I look at the clock. It's 7:55 and the alarm is about to go off. I've slept maybe two hours all night. Even being in werewolf form didn't help at all. I think it only made it worse.
I can't sleep without my Harry. I stare up at the ceiling, the tears streaming freely from my eyes as the morning light shines through the window above me.
What have I done? How could I drive my sweet, beautiful Harry away? How could I not know how I don't understand. I don't understand anything about myself, not at all.
I can't believe that I've just taken the miraculous gift I have been given in Harry and thrown it all away.
I know werewolves mate for life. So how can I love both Harry and Severus so deeply?
When I'm with Harry, my heart is so happy, so free. I know that he's the love of my life. Just sitting on the couch, cuddling and talking for hours with him gives me the greatest pleasure.
And Severus makes me feel the same way.
I don't understand this at all. Which one of them is my true mate? Which is the one I'm supposed to spend my life with? And if it's one of them, why am I in love with the other?
This is so confusing. I know that if I must choose, however, it will be Harry I spend my life with. I love him more than anything. As much as I love Severus, I will give him up if it means that I can be with Harry. No matter how much it hurts me.
But that's not really my decision, is it?
Whether or not Harry comes back to me is his decision and his alone. I can cry, beg, and plead, but only Harry can choose his path. I cannot force him to take me back. I can only hope, not that I have much of that.
I don't deserve him, but I pray to whatever deities are out there listening to bring him home.
I look at the clock again. It's 8:15. I've worried away twenty more minutes. I know I must get up to face the day.
Even though they both may very well hate me, my heart jumps a little at the mere thought of seeing the men I love.
My heart plummets at the thought of how they may react. Will they hate me? Will the sight, the sound, or the touch of me repulse them beyond reason? Will I see hatred in their eyes? Or will I see nothing at all?
Most importantly, will Harry want to speak to me?
I don't know what I can say to him, other than to tell him the truth. Lying to him is what got me into this mess in the first place. I should have always been honest with him, told him of my predicament, asked him to help me figure out why I was reacting the way I was, but I was scared. I was terrified he'd leave me, if he found out I was having feelings for another. I only hope he will listen before he kills me.
I sit up slowly, trying to ignore the pain. The transformation is always hard, and the self-hatred I've indulged in hasn't made it any easier. I know I should have gone to Poppy, but I don't deserve to have my wounds healed. I deserve to suffer, as my sweet Harry has suffered.
I shower carefully and dress much the same way. I pick out the blue robes Harry bought me last Christmas, and I put on Romance, just for him. I know it's his favorite cologne. He always says how much he loves it on me.
I'm a little hungry, but I truly do not feel like facing anyone in the Great Hall. The teachers know something is wrong, but they're not aware of what it is. They know Harry is not here.
I call for Dobby and ask him for two slices of toast with strawberry jam, and a cup of coffee. I haven't been eating well, either. Since Harry's been gone, I haven't wanted to do much of anything, except fade away to nothing.
I eat slowly, wanting to leave for the meeting at the last possible moment. I really do not want to indulge in the idle talk with the other teachers.
After I'm done with breakfast, I go to my office, dawdling until it's time for the meeting.
Forget butterflies.I have bats flying around in my nearly empty stomach as I pick up my papers and head for the lounge.
Neither Severus nor Harry is present when I enter the room, but everyone else is already seated at the table. Our three customary seats are the only ones vacant.
I quickly take my seat, farthest away from Albus. He's so disappointed in me, I know. He doesn't have to say anything. That's all right. I'm disappointed in myself. I could feel the disappointment radiating off him that night that changed everything.
***Flashback***
"Come in," I hear Albus say, and I walk slowly into the Headmaster's office. He's looking at me, a frown upon his mouth and his eyes are bleak. I feel the agitation and the irritation radiating off the old wizard. "What can I do for you, Remus?"
I swallow the lump in my throat and I try to hold back my tears. I know he holds no pity for me, and he shouldn't. "Sir, I know you know of what has happened. I just came here to request different chambers, if you would be so kind, sir."
Albus' frown grows deeper. "What's wrong with your current quarters, Remus?"
I can't hold back. The tears stream down my face and my bottom lip starts quivering. I know I look like an idiot, but I can't bring myself to care. "I-I can't live there. That's where Harry and I live. I can't be there with him not there. Please, I know you're angry with me, and you have every right. I've hurt him terribly, and Severus too, but it's too much. Please. I'll do anything."
Albus sighs heavily and I look up. His eyes have softened a little. "All right. I'll have them ready in an hour."
"Thank you," I say and I quickly walk out the door.
***End Flashback***
Gloomy thoughts filling my head, I slump down in my chair and wait for the meeting to start. I hold in a hiss as I slump down. That really hurt my wounds. Note to self: slumping not a good thing. I carefully straighten back up, careful not to cause any more damage. I look down at my papers, not wanting to speak with anyone.
Severus is typically the last one to come in, but Harry will most likely be the last, since he is in Hogsmeade with Sirius.
I rub my face idly as I think about my best friend. I know he has every right to be angry with me. I hate myself more than he hates me. I don't know how I'll be able to get back my friend. I've hurt him by hurting his godson. I don't know if we'll ever be the same, the friendship between us, if there is a friendship between us. If Harry and I are able to reconcile, I'll do my best to try and salvage our friendship.
I don't even want to think about what James and Lily would say to me for hurting their child.
I can sense the air of menace that surrounds my ex-lover as he glides into the room. I look up and watch him go to his usual seat. He glances at me, and I can see the pain underneath the customary sneer and disgust with the world.
I say nothing as I wait for my husband to come into the room. What can I say? There's nothing. We've already said plenty, on the night that Harry found us out. We broke off everything that night, after Harry and Sirius left. I hurt Severus as well, and I never meant to. I never meant to hurt either of them, I swear it.
I hear Albus speak to Severus. "How are you, Severus?"
"Fine!" he snaps in his usual demeanor. I don't look at him.
My head shoots up as I hear the door open. Harry hurries in, mumbling an apology as he resizes a box and sets it by the wall. He comes over to the table and sits down beside me. I haven't missed the apologetic look Albus gave him. He trembles slightly and my heart aches. He's trembling because of me, for whatever reason.
Albus speaks and my attention turns to him. "Good morning, everyone. Welcome to our first staff meeting of the new school year. I trust you all have been having a good summer."
I'm caught between a maniacal cackle and wanting to throw up. Is he kidding? That statement is wrong on so many levels, I don't know where to start. I've ruined the lives of my husband, my now ex-lover, and myself. How do you think our summer has been, Albus?
"Now then," he continues after the others have nodded in agreement about their summers, ""can I bother everyone for this year's class syllabus?"
I pull out my syllabus and wait for the others on my side of the table to pass theirs down. Once I have everyone's, I hand them to Harry. Our hands accidentally brush together. I hear the sharp intake of breath and I see him shudder at the touch. It is as I feared. He is repulsed by my touch, by me.
I look down at the table, my body letting out a disheartened sigh that I cannot control. My husband can't stand me. My heart feels like a block of lead in my chest. I can feel the tears filling my eyes, and I use every ounce of my will to keep them from falling. I will not cry in front of all my colleagues.
If there is anything my father's hatred taught me, it was to never let the tears fall in the presence of others.
Through the corner of my eye, I can see Harry's hand slowly creep over to mine. He brushes his hand against mine, leaving us in contact. I look up with a tearful gaze. I know there is a desperate hope apparent in my eyes, but I can't help it. Harry gazes into my eyes for a moment before looking back towards Albus.
I risk the tentative touch Harry is allowing by placing my hand on top of his. After a moment, when he doesn't snatch his hand away, I let out a breath I've been holding.
"Harry, do you think you could supervise some of the visits to Hogsmeade this year?"
I know Harry's not paying attention to Albus right now. Albus has to ask him the same question three times before he finally answers.
"Of course, Albus. Just let me know ahead of time which weekends they are. That way I can make any plans around those weekends."
"Of course, Harry. You'll need a partner to help you. Do we have any volunteers?" I see Albus look directly at me when he says this. Albus is notorious for his matchmaking schemes.
Several questions flash through my mind before I answer him. Will Harry be upset if I volunteer to do this with him? Will he be angry? Will he start yelling right here? Will he glare? I push the endless stream of idiotic questions that I really don't want answered in the affirmative to the back of my head as I speak up. ""I'll do it."
I brace myself, in case there's screaming or evil glares sent my direction from my husband, but none are forthcoming. I let out a small relieved breath.
I glance over at Severus.big mistake. He looks so lost, so forlorn. I know he loves the sound of my voice; he's told me so countless times. He's in so much pain. My heart aches for him, yearns for him, as much as my heart aches and yearns for him, as much as my heart aches and yearns for Harry.
My life is such a mess.
I only vaguely hear Albus say, "Very good! Now, Severus and Poppy, I assume that you two have all the potions made for the infirmary this year?"
My attention snaps to as I hear Severus respond, his voice warming my body like a fine brandy. "Of course, Albus. The only thing missing is the Dreamless Sleep potion, because I'm awaiting an ingredient. It has been ordered and will be shipped to Hogwarts as soon as it is available. Everything else is finished."
Albus asks Poppy, "And how is the infirmary?" I don't listen for the answer. Right now I couldn't care less if the infirmary is ready or not. I'm too busy watching my husband watching Severus, who's blushing. I know it's from embarrassment. I know that if I unspell my nose, I'll be able to smell the shame and embarrassment he feels radiating off him like heat. He never wanted to hurt Harry, either.
As I glance over at Albus, he addresses me. "Are the Dark Arts textbooks up to your standards, Remus?"
I nod, saying, "I think that the Dark Arts books are perfectly fine this year, although the werewolf information is seriously lacking."
Albus then says, "Perhaps Harry could give you a copy of his research. I understand it's quite extensive, am I right, Harry?"
I look over at Harry, my brow furrowing in confusion and curiosity. Harry's blushing. I didn't know he was working on werewolf research. I didn't know about him working on werewolf's rights, either. He never told me any of this. Every time he would go off, he'd only say that he wanted to surprise me.
I listen as he says, "Certainly. I'll bring a copy tomorrow. Yes, the research done was quite extensive. I had contacts in several countries helping me gather the research. I found out some surprising things.particularly mating habits."
My ears perk up just as Harry drifts off, seemingly startled. Obviously he's done some research on mating habits of werewolves. I wonder what it is he has discovered. Not being one to converse with other werewolves often, I really don't know all that much about the mating habits of our kind. I know enough things about werewolves in general from personal experience. It's enough to know that the information in the DADA book is a huge pile of rubbish.
I snap out of my thoughts and I realize the meeting is over. People are talking and leaving the room.
I see Albus look over at Harry. "Harry, can I speak with you for a moment, about the research?" Albus nods toward the box by the wall. I'm curious as to what research it is, but I don't dare ask.
"Yes, just a moment," Harry says before looking at me. "I have to go speak with Albus. I think it's time for you and I to talk. Meet me in our old rooms?"
I nod. "Yes, I would really like to talk. I'll be waiting." I get up and reluctantly let go of the precious hand of my husband. I can't help but notice he's still wearing his wedding ring. I know I'm probably grasping at straws, but I take it as a hopeful sign. At the very least, he hasn't thrown it into the lake or turned it into a golden blob. Harry gets up as I walk away. As I turn to get a last look, I see Harry talking to Severus. My heart leaps into my throat at the sight, and tears threaten to fall once again. I hurriedly scurry through the door before anyone else can see.
I slowly make my way through the empty hallways towards the chambers Harry and I have shared since before we were married.
As I reach the door, I hear a soft swishing noise coming from the main hallway a few feet down. I turn and see a dark figure heading down into the depths of the castle, voluminous robes billowing behind him. How it hurts to know he's down there in the cold, dark, damp dungeons, lonely and miserable. I wish there were something I could do for him, but my relationship with Harry is my priority.
I open the door to the rooms, our rooms. I haven't been in here for days. They're dark and cool, as the castle always is during the summer months, no matter what the temperature is outside. A sort of magical cooling system, I guess. I never really thought to ask Albus about that.
I light the fire and look around. All our things that we bought together, and everything that has to do with us as a couple are still in here. When I took the other rooms, I only took the barest necessities. I couldn't bear the thought of moving any of these things out of our rooms.
I gaze at all our pictures of us, together, that we have scatter throughout the room. We're so happy together in these photographs, like nothing could ever tear us apart.
I seem to have done a pretty decent job of that, haven't I?
I go to the bathroom sink to splash away the tears that have finally fallen. After I dry my face, I go to sit on the bed, carefully. My wounds are still hurting. Good. I deserve it.
I sit and wait expectantly for my husband. I don't know where to start, or what to say to make everything better. I know that I will be completely honest. I don't want to be dishonest with him anymore.
I turn and look expectantly as Harry walks into the room.