Summary: Harry goes to his first staff meeting after 'the incident'. This is from his point of view.
Sequel to 'Happy Birthday to Me'.
A/N: This is the first of three that will revolve around the staff meeting. I'm also going to give you the meeting from Severus and Remus' points of view. Then there will be a showdown between the two spouses in the one after that. Some of the things in this fic will obviously be repeated in the next two, but will not be seen the same way, and you'll get your first look inside Remus and Sev's heads. I wonder if anyone will change their minds about Remy…
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Those bloody birds are chirping again. I would like nothing better than to get up out of bed and hex them into oblivion. It's two days after my birthday. The full moon was out last night. I wonder if Remus is going to feel up to the staff meeting. A part of me wishes he'd stay away, but a bigger part of me desperately wants to see him. I also have to wonder what Albus is getting at, putting a staff meeting right in the middle of the lunar cycle.
I look over at the clock. It's eight in the morning. It's time for me to get up. I throw the blankets off my body and force myself up out of bed. I have to get my werewolf research for Albus. He wants to have Minerva organize it. I think it's a good idea. She needs something to do now that she is no longer teaching. Besides, the wizard who is writing the new Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook wants an accurate account of werewolf behavior.
Poor Minerva. She was also one of the ones who was protecting the castle. She made it, just barely. She was paralyzed from the waist down, but her life was saved. Fred and George weren't that lucky.
I swallow the lump of pain and guilt that forces itself into my throat and head towards the shower. I can't allow myself to wallow in self-pity. I have to be strong. And I know I have to talk with my husband today.
I can't shut Remus out forever. We have to talk sometime. We need to talk. If we don't talk, how can either of us move past this and…I don't know…stay together? Go our separate ways?
I step into the shower and let the water flow over my tears. I really don't know what I want anymore. In the heat of the moment, I sought a divorce. I don't know if I could have really gone through with it, even if it were possible. I knew I wouldn't be able to find a way out, which is most likely why I went to Albus in the first place. I had made sure our marriage was ironclad. I didn't want the Ministry to find a way to make it null and void at their whim. I think I just wanted to hurt Remus by going to Albus, like I was hurt by his lies.
I can't focus on this right now. This is for later. This is for when we talk, Remus and I.
After I'm dressed, I head downstairs. Sirius has made me breakfast. He's so good to me. I adore him, really I do.
"Good morning, Harry." Sirius comes over to me and gives me a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek. "I hope you're hungry."
"A little," I tell him. I'm rather nervous about going to Hogwarts. Sirius seems to know, because he hugs me again tightly.
"Sit!" he commands and I obey. He sets a plate full of food before me and I dig in, eating what I can. I know I'll need my strength.
"Thank you for breakfast, Siri," I say, leaning over and kissing him lightly on the cheek. He smiles at me and I smile back. I like it when he is happy. I don't like him to be sad and angry, especially when it deals with my problems. He's had so much misery in his life. He doesn't need anymore. I really hope he can find someone. He deserves someone who can love him.
"I gotta go," I tell him as I pick up the box of research I have already packed up for Minerva. "I'll be back sometime this afternoon."
"Harry, are you really sure you're ready to talk to Lupin? I don't think anyone would blame you a bit if you wanted to wait a while."
I shake my head as I shrink the box to fit in my pocket. "I have to do this sometime, and now is as good a time as any. To put it off will only make it worse. I'd like to be able to move forward, whether that means reconciliation with my husband or breaking apart our marriage permanently. I need to move on, one way or another."
"Are you telling me you'd actually consider getting back with that bastard after what he's done to you?" Sirius yells. He's shocked by my words, I can tell.
"I don't know, Siri. That is precisely why I need to talk to him. We need to hear each other out, yell and scream at each other, possibly hex each other and send ourselves into the infirmary. But he and I need to talk about this. I can't move on if I can't talk with him." I can tell Sirius isn't happy with me, but I can't help it now. I kiss him quickly on the mouth before he can protest. "I'm not saying I'm getting back with him, Siri. I need to talk to him, though. Please understand. I'll be back this afternoon. You go to the store and don't worry about me, okay?"
Sirius nods, pouting. "All right, but I still don't like it."
I chuckle. "You know, you're cute when you pout. I still can't believe you haven't been snatched off the market yet. Those witches and wizards don't know what they're missing."
"Maybe I'm just too particular," Sirius muses.
I grin at him. "It's a possibility. You know, one of these days, someone is just gonna blindside you, and before you know it, you'll be in love. That's what happened to me."
Sirius grimaces. "Yeah, and look where it got you."
I sigh sadly. "I know, but maybe it's not as hopeless as we think. That's what I need to find out. I need to know if there is a marriage to save." I can see the doubt in Sirius' eyes, and his sympathy for me. "Sirius, please understand. Despite everything that has happened, I still love him. I can't just switch that off completely. I need to know if he loves me or not."
"But he said-"
"Siri, I know what he said, but…I don't know, there's something wrong here. I know him well enough to know that he has some feeling for me. I need to know what that is. If I can save my family, I need to try. I don't know if I can. I don't know if I can trust him, but that's something that I have to find out." I hug my godfather one last time. "See you in a while."
"I'll be here when you get back!" Sirius yells as I walk out the door and down the path to the street. I've decided I need to walk to Hogwarts, much like Sirius did on that first night when I showed up at his doorstep. Only I'm not on my way to beat anyone up, not even Severus.
Oh, how I miss you, Severus. I always loved arguing with you over potions. You were very surprised how much I really knew when we started working together to defeat Voldemort. That was when I fell in love with you. My fifth year, during the Christmas hols, we worked so hard trying to find a way to rid the world of a monster.
I could never tell you how I felt. I pined for you for the rest of the year and all through my sixth year. I was so depressed during the first half of my seventh year. Voldemort was defeated, and I had no reason to hang around you. Then I found Remus.
I have to cringe now. If I'm truthful to myself, part of me is angry with you in particular because you wanted my husband, and not me. I loved you so much. I know it was love, because I felt for you what I feel for my husband now. Do I still feel the same for you as I did back then? I don't know. I'm not sure what I feel. I can't think about that now. I know there are still unresolved feelings, but they don't mean anything right now. First I have to deal with my problems with my husband.
Ah! Here I am-the gates of Hogwarts. Only a few more steps and I have to face my husband and my friend. I hesitate for a few moments before striding towards the school. I was dawdling as I walked here, and now I'm a bit late.
I get inside the castle and I hurry towards the teacher's lounge. As I walk inside, I can hear the teachers talking. I don't know how many know of the problems between Remus and I.
Everyone is seated. They all greet me warmly. I'm the last one to show up, and my customary seat has been saved for me…right between Severus and Remus. Albus looks at me apologetically. I give him a small reassuring smile and pull the box out of my pocket. I spell it back to its normal size and set it by the wall. Albus nods at me, indicating he knows what it is.
I take a deep breath and take my seat between the two. I'm trying not to shake. I'm scared. I don't know why, exactly. Is it because I'm afraid Remus will leave me? Or is it because I'm afraid he'll want to stay?
"Good morning, everyone. Welcome to our first staff meeting of the new school year. I trust you all have been having a pleasant summer."
Most of the staff nods in agreement. The three of us in this bizarre love triangle are the only ones who do not answer. What a summer we've had so far. I almost want to laugh at the absurdity.
"Now then," Albus continues, "can I bother everyone for this year's class syllabus?"
I absently pull my syllabus out of my folder, not paying attention to the idle chatter going on around me. I am simply too distracted by the scent of my husband's cologne. It's Romance, by Ralph Lauren. The cologne I bought him for his birthday. It's my favorite scent on him. I know he's wearing it just for me.
Remus hands me the papers that have been passed down and our hands brush together. My breath gets stuck in my chest, and I close my eyes as I shiver a little. Remus' touch has always has such an effect on me. The feel of his skin always sends a sweet little ripple down my body. At least I know the act of him doing something so simple doesn't repulse me, as I feared it would.
I hear a defeated sigh coming from my husband and I can't help but look over. He's looking down at the table, and I can tell he's trying not to cry. Oh…I know what's wrong. He thinks the shiver was a shudder. He thinks I am repulsed by his touch. How can I let him know that's not the case? Oh, I know…
I move my hand slowly over to his and brush up against it. He looks up at me, tears apparent in his eyes. I look at him in the eyes for a moment before I look back towards Albus. He tentatively touches my hand, and I don't move away. I can tell when he relaxes a little.
"Harry, do you think you could supervise some of the visits to Hogsmeade this year?" Albus asks me. He's already recruited Hooch and Sinistra for the task, while I was worrying over my husband. Albus looks at me, and I realize that he's repeated this question to me, at least a few times. My cheeks start burning as he surreptitiously looks down at my hand, which is being covered by Remus'.
I nod. "Of course, Albus. Just let me know ahead of time which weekends they are. That way I can make any plans around those weekends."
"Of course, Harry. You'll need a partner to help you. Do we have any volunteers?" Albus waits expectantly. I know whom he's asking. Albus has always loved to play matchmaker.
"I'll do it," I hear Remus say.
Albus beams. "Very good! Now, Severus and Poppy, I assume that you two have all the potions made for the infirmary this year?"
I look over to Severus. He looks miserable and depressed. I don't think my heart is as shattered as I previously thought. I feel his despair tugging at my heartstrings. I know he loves Remus. I can't blame him. I know all to well what it is to love the werewolf. When he answers, however, he sounds much as he ever has, his low silky voice flowing like fine wine. "Of course, Albus. The only thing missing is the Dreamless Sleep potion, because I'm awaiting an ingredient. It has been ordered and will be shipped to Hogwarts as soon as it is available. Everything else is finished."
"Very good. And how is the infirmary?" Albus asks Poppy. I don't listen to her answer. I'm watching Severus. He won't look at me, yet he knows only too well that I am staring at him. I can see the pink tingeing his cheeks. What he is embarrassed about, I don't exactly know. It could be so many things. Most likely it is a culmination of everything: my finding out, his betrayal of my friendship, his shame and embarrassment from finding out Remus may not have been as unhappy with me as he thought, and the fact that I'm staring at him now.
I shake off my thoughts as I realize my husband is answering a question. "I think that the Dark Arts books are perfectly fine this year, although the werewolf information is seriously lacking."
"Perhaps Harry could give you a copy of his research. I understand it's quite extensive, am I right, Harry?"
My cheeks are burning again. My research is something I kept from my husband, the one person I should have shared it with. My only defense is that I wanted to surprise him with it. "Certainly. I'll bring a copy tomorrow. Yes, the research done was quite extensive. I had contacts in several countries helping me gather the research. I found out some surprising things…particularly mating habits…" I drift off, my mind spinning. Oh, sweet Merlin...I had forgotten my own research.
My husband and I most definitely have to talk, but I need to look at my research again. It's been a while since I looked at that aspect of my research. The meeting continues on for a few more minutes, but I stop listening. I'm nervous. I haven't told Remus I want to talk. I wonder if he's ready to talk.
People are getting up, chatting with each other, so I guess the meeting is over. Albus is looking at me. "Harry, can I speak with you for a moment, about the research?" He nods toward the box.
"Yes, just a moment." I look at my husband, who is still holding my hand. "I have to go speak with Albus. I think it's time for you and I to talk. Meet me in our old rooms?"
Remus nods. "Yes, I would really like to talk. I'll be waiting."
I nod and watch him get up, reluctantly letting go of my hand. I stand and turn, looking straight into the eyes of Severus. I see pain in those onyx pools before the shutter slam shut. He waits for me to say something. Probably waiting for me to yell.
"Severus, you and I need to speak with each other as well, but I need to see Remus first. Can we talk tomorrow, when I bring in the research for Remus' class?"
The look of shock on his face is hilarious, and I find myself having to stifle a laugh. Whatever he was expecting, that wasn't it. "Uh…er…okay. That will be fine…Harry."
He looks at me as if I'm going to hex him. I simply nod. "Fine. I'll find you sometime tomorrow afternoon." I leave him and walk over to Albus. I pick up the box and we make our way to his office.
Albus sits down. "Is this everything that Minerva will need?"
I nod. "Yes. What is it, Albus? You want something."
Albus laughs lightly. "Not really. I was just curious. Five days ago, you wanted to divorce Remus Lupin. Today you are holding hands with him. I was wondering what has happened."
I sigh and sit back. "Albus, you and I both know that the only reason I came here that day was to have something to throw in Remus' face. I was trying to hurt him by telling him that I was looking for a way out."
"I'd say you succeeded. He's been walking around here like his world has come to an end. He's depressed and lonely. He won't speak to anyone. No one besides you, Remus, Severus, Sirius and me know what has happened, and the others are concerned. The other day Flitwick asked where you were. He said Remus started crying and ran down the hall. A few minutes later, Flitwick heard a howl coming from Remus' new rooms."
"New rooms?" I didn't know Remus had left our rooms.
"Yes. The night you left, he came to me and begged for new rooms. He said he couldn't stay in the rooms where you and he lived. He said it hurt too much. I thought about leaving him there to teach him a lesson, but he looked so distraught I didn't have the heart to do it."
I look at the Headmaster, my mouth hanging open stupidly. "He was that bad?"
"Yes. Harry, I don't know why he was with Severus, but I do think he truly loves you. I think you two are going to talk, am I right?"
"Yes, as soon as I'm done here."
Albus waves his hand, dismissing me. "You're done. Go talk this out with your husband. And Harry?"
"Yes?"
"Love is a valuable thing. Make sure that if you decide to go your separate ways, do so completely. Don't keep hanging on, making each other's lives miserable. And if you decide to stay together, forgive completely. Don't hold this over his head to punish him further. If you forgive him, forgive him. And do talk with Severus. He feels horrible for what he did to you. He's talked with me several times since then."
"Okay. Thank you, Albus. What would I do without you?"
"I expect you would do the right thing anyway. I'll see you later, Harry."