My eyes reluctantly flutter open as my blasted alarm clock goes off. It's eight o'clock in the bloody morning. I truly do not wish to get out of bed this morning.
I've betrayed a good friend, and now I have to face him. I've had the last few days to think about what an imbecile I truly am. How could I do this to Harry? After all we've been through with the war and all, after my horrific treatment of him during his first years at school, he did not deserve my betrayal.
What a way to prove I was once a Death Eater.
I glare up at the ceiling of my dungeon haven, hating myself utterly. The only defense I could possibly muster is the fact that I have loved Remus since we were children. He intrigued me since the first time I laid eyes on him, and by our fifth year, I was completely and desperately in love. We dated until the incident of the Shrieking Shack. Our relationship abruptly ended, without our ever consummating our love physically.
Even now I can feel the hurt and betrayal I felt back then, not to mention the terror I felt at coming face to face with the werewolf. Black essentially ruined what Remus and I had in one moment of the utmost stupidity. It was an all-time low, even for him.
A long while after the war, around two years or so, Remus and I ended up in Hogsmeade together. We decided to have lunch and discuss the NEWTS that were only a week away. We started out in innocent conversation, which eventually turned into reminiscing about our days at school. I'm still not quite sure how we ended back up in my bedroom, ripping each other's clothes off while kissing each other as if we would die without the contact. All I knew was how light my heart felt when I had him back in my arms, and finally, in my bed. I felt complete.
I honestly did not know about his relationship with Harry then. It was something that was kept secret. If it was public knowledge, I wasn't privy to the information. I wouldn't have started our relationship up again had I known. I wouldn't have allowed myself to feel again, only to find a pain worse than I felt twenty years before.
I found out about the marriage three days after the wedding. Remus was gone and I casually asked Albus where he had gone. No one knew of Remus and my relationship. He told me that he and Harry were on their honeymoon. Suffice to say I was devastated. I couldn't believe it. He was with me, yet he married another. I can't put into words how much that hurt.
And yet, here I am, guilty of causing Harry a similar pain. I loathe myself.
When he returned with his glowing, gorgeous husband, I broke off the relationship. I didn't wait for explanations, didn't hear him out, I simply told him it was over and we were nothing more than co-workers. I cried myself to sleep that night, and many after that. I had finally found the missing piece of my heart, only to have it ripped away again.
But how could I blame him. I mean, look at Harry. He's gorgeous. What man in their right mind wouldn't want him? Even I could never have refused him if he had ever given me an inkling that he was interested, position at Hogwarts be damned. He's smart, though I did not let that little piece of information slip, ever. He has a vibrant attitude and a love for life that rivals no other. He's been through hell and back, and he can still see the light and hope that still resides in the world. His brilliant smile can light up the darkest heart. He's smiled my way many times, brightening the gloom and depression that sometimes overtakes me.
And I'm the one who brought darkness into his life. Did I say that I loathe myself?
Then, a few months ago, Remus came down to the dungeons. I must say he was quite depressed. Harry had gone away on business for the weekend, and he hadn't told Remus where he was going. He'd said it was a surprise he was working on.
Remus and I talked for a while, and he confessed that he had been hiding his depression from Harry. He said that he missed me fiercely and that he needed me. He said that it was me he really loved. He had only married Harry to make him happy. By that night we had resumed our previous relationship.
I now know that was not the case. Whatever he felt for me, he loved Harry as well. I don't know if he was lying, or if he just didn't realize that he did love his husband. Now it has all blown up in our faces, and who knows what the outcome will be.
I stare at the clock. It's eight-fifteen. I groan inwardly. I really, really do not want to leave these rooms. I know I must.
I get up reluctantly from my warm, safe bed and stalk to the bathroom. I shower slowly. I'm not hungry, so I won't worry about breakfast this morning. Once I'm dressed in my usual black robes, I go into my office to gather my paperwork. It's times like these that I would like nothing better than for the floor to open up underneath me and swallow me whole.
I perform little tasks around the office until the last possible moment. I slowly make my way up out of the dungeon and into the teacher's lounge. Everyone is there, except Harry. All have taken their accustomed seats. The only two seats left are to the right of Remus. I take my customary seat next to Albus, one seat away from the man I'm so in love with. I try not to look at him, displaying my usual sneer of disgust for everyone and everything on the planet. If I don't, I fear I may cry like a baby.
Everyone is chattering lightly, waiting for the last professor to arrive. I pour myself a cup of tea just to give myself something to do. I don't know if I can keep it down, I'm so nervous. Not that anyone else could tell. Well, with the possible exception of Albus; that man seems to know everything. It's rather disconcerting most of the time.
"How are you, Severus?" the Headmaster asks quietly.
"Fine," I snap, with my usual rancor.
Albus looks like he wishes to say more, but the opening of the door stops him.
Harry walks in quickly. He mutters an apology for being late and stares at the only empty seat in the room. I see Albus smile at him apologetically, and Harry smiles back. He pulls out a box and increases its size. I don't know what it is. It's none of my business, and I don't intend to make it any of my business. I've already interfered with his life enough as it is.
Harry takes his seat between Remus and me, and his body is shaking slightly. I'm not sure why. I don't deserve to know why.
I look at Albus as he speaks. "Good morning, everyone. Welcome to our first staff meeting of the new school year. I trust you all have been having a good summer."
I could die of either laughter or humiliation at this particular moment in time. Let's see…I've possibly ruined what I mistakenly took as an unhappy marriage, I've lost the man I've loved forever and a day, I've hurt a beautiful person I've come to consider a friend, and I've disappointed the one man who has always been like a father to me. I wanted to die the first time Albus looked at me, soon after Harry talked to him that fateful day.
"Now then," Albus says, bringing me back to the present, "can I bother everyone for this year's class syllabus?"
I pull my syllabus out and give it to the Headmaster. There is babbling going on as the others take theirs out, but I don't listen. I look over carefully as I hear Harry's breath hitch in his chest. Apparently Remus touched him as he passed the papers down.
I listen absently as Albus asks Sinistra and Hooch to supervise half of the Hogsmeade trips. Now that Voldemort and almost all his followers have been caught, the school has increased the number of trips to the village.
I hear Remus sigh sadly as Harry passes the papers to me, and I cannot help but look over. I watch Harry carefully brush his hand over his husband's, and I see the hopeful tears in Remus' eyes. I watch out of the corner of my eye as Harry looks back towards Albus and Remus carefully places his hand over Harry's. I know that it is right, but it tears into my heart so. Instead of watching them, I concentrate on Albus.
I listen to the question Albus has been asking. He repeats himself for the third time, "Harry, do you think you could supervise some of the visits to Hogsmeade this year?"
"Of course, Albus," Harry answers. " Just let me know ahead of time which weekends they are. That way I can make any plans around those weekends."
"Of course, Harry. You'll need a partner to help you. Do we have any volunteers?" I know Albus is trying to get Remus to volunteer. Albus cannot help himself. He must always play matchmaker.
"I'll do it," my former lover tells the Headmaster. My throat tightens at the sound of his voice. I've always loved the sound of his voice. It's not mine to love anymore, and that's something I have to get used to now, no matter how much pain it causes me. It's nothing I don't deserve.
I watch Albus as he beams at the werewolf. " Very good! Now, Severus and Poppy, I assume that you two have all the potions made for the infirmary this year?"
I can feel Harry's eyes on me. I fear he may know me well enough to see past my masks to the pain and despair eating away at my heart. I can't bear to look in his direction, to let him see my pain and my shame.
Luckily, when I speak, my voice comes out as it always does, not revealing any hint of the torment and guilt I'm living in. " Of course, Albus. The only thing missing is the Dreamless Sleep potion, because I'm awaiting an ingredient. It has been ordered and will be shipped to Hogwarts as soon as it is available. Everything else is finished."
"Very good. And how is the infirmary?" Albus asks Poppy. I drown out her answer. I can feel Harry staring at me, and much to my chagrin, I can feel the heat creeping up my cheeks. I am quite pale, and I know the color will be apparent. I instead try to concentrate on the task at hand, and not at the lovely, heartbroken creature that is watching me.
"Are the Dark Arts textbooks up to your standards, Remus?" Albus asks.
"I think that the Dark Arts books are perfectly fine this year, although the werewolf information is seriously lacking," Remus tells him.
"Perhaps Harry could give you a copy of his research. I understand it's quite extensive, am I right, Harry?"
I look at Harry, who is turning a light shade of red. I'm not sure what research Albus is speaking about. Remus never mentioned any research that Harry was doing, even before we resumed our relationship. It must have taken a while if it is 'quite extensive' as Albus said. Harry answers. "Certainly. I'll bring a copy tomorrow. Yes, the research done was quite extensive. I had contacts in several countries helping me gather the research. I found out some surprising things…particularly mating habits…"
Harry drifts off, looking past the room and out into some void of the subconscious. He seems to be reeling from his thoughts. In fact, he has turned a little pale. I wonder what is wrong. It seems that it has something to do with mating habits of werewolves. I know virtually nothing, except that werewolves are supposed to mate for life. Remus has never mentioned anything. I've been under the impression that he knows as little as I. He doesn't have much in the way of contact with others who suffer from lycanthropy, this I know. Whatever it is, it's none of my business.
I drift off in my thoughts as Albus blithers on with some of the other teachers. A few moments later the meeting is over, and the others are leaving the office. The first meeting never lasts very long.
I sigh and gather my papers, not really paying attention to my surroundings. I can feel it when Remus leaves the room. I stand at turn, to find myself looking down into a sea of green. I send my protective walls shooting up, blocking the pain I'm feeling from him and the world as I brace myself for his scathing words, words I so richly deserve.
"Severus, you and I need to speak with each other as well, but I need to see Remus first. Can we talk tomorrow, when I bring in the research for Remus' class?"
I go into complete shock, and I can't make a coherent thought for a moment. Harry looks like he wants to laugh. Finally, I mutter, "Uh…er…okay. That will be fine…Harry."
I wait for the screaming that should be coming, or the highly likely 'avada kadavra', but it doesn't. He simply nods. "Fine. I'll find you sometime tomorrow afternoon." I watch him walk over towards Albus. He picks up the box and the two men leave.
I am the last one to leave. I slowly make my way back down to my dungeons, my safe haven from the world. I don't go into the classroom; there are too many memories of my shame there. I'll leave that room alone until it's necessary to go into it.
I go into my rooms and lie down on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. I don't know what I can say to Harry tomorrow that will convey how truly wretched I feel. I have plenty of time to worry over this. He'll not be here until tomorrow, after all.
Until then, I'll just lie here and try to figure out what else I can do to make what I have broken better.