J u n e 3 0 , 2 0 0 3

another monday. another weekend spent in nyc. it was really fun. saturday night we were cooking dinner together. i tried "shao qie zi", or asian-style eggplant. we were watching some movie while drinking a little booze.
i guess i had a little too much cos i started laughing uncontrollably on the floor and was jumping up and down. with four other people standing right there watching us, i jumped on kai, two legs wraping his waist.

i realized that i've been an outrageous child. i wrote sexually-explicit thing in my online diary, i wear sexy outfits, but deep inside i'm still a down-to-earth, simple girl. i can't quite explain why the way i am. most times i wonder why and sometimes i wish i were more normal. but i can't hide who i am.
on the other hand, i am so used to not to be accepted i grew afraid of being with people. i'm scared of the sharp verbal knives they'll stab on me, so i've often kept myself distant from people. only occasionally let someone in close. but i feel like i've changed a lot in the past year and i'm ready to let some different opinions and perspectives in my life. but where to draw the line? how much should you let someone in your life so that you'd benefit from the diversity but not let your life to be disturbed? i found it hard to know.

on the way back from nyc last night i was so energized. my mind was fresh and i was full of ideas of how life SHOULD be like for me, what would make me happy, etc. then three hours into my first work day, i find it exhausting and i've lost much of the hopefulness that i've garnered yesterday.
i found myself travel back and forth between the two states. one, i feel excited, i feel like i've planned everything out, and i only need time to carry out my plans. like yesterday. i coulnd't wait to come back to philly, to start a new life and this time it would be perfect. then, a few days late, i'm into the other state: feeling that i'm stuck in a deadend, and i deparately want to get out and get some fresh ideas about life.

so here i am, complaining about it. but then maybe this is what life should be like. traveling between different ends, and endlessly adjusting.
maybe i am content with what i have now

J u n e 2 5 , 2 0 0 3

feel like i should be hanging out with someone, should be doing something important, but i'm not. i guess i'm feeling a little lonely.

J u n e 2 3 , 2 0 0 3

this morning i opened my email box. two messages from kai. wow. unheard of. i wonder what's so important that he couldn't wait to tell me.
i clicked on the email.
....
he is pissed. pissed because i didn't answer his call.
i am utterly confused. didn't we talk last night at 12:30? and why was he calling me again at 12:50ish? i turned off my cellphone and went to bed. he must have called after that.

i'm a little surprised at his overreaction. but on the other hand, i realize it's his way of saying, i really miss you. it pains me to leave you. it feels uncomfortable sleeping when you're not by my side.

i love you kai. a thousand indians won't take me away.

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he called me again while i was listening to the ten voice messages he left on my phone last night. he seemed upset but in a sweet, cute way. he whined, i want you to come to ny to see me, now.

J u n e 2 2 , 2 0 0 3
i got carried away. i wrote and wrote til my thoughts came to a halt. only then i remembered to save my work... and of couse, the most horrible thing on earth happened: it got lost. not the first time, but certainly able to get me quite annoyed one more time.. and it was a good three paragraph too. i still remember a few good lines from it, although i'm really not in the mood to retrieve the whole thing.. oh well..
i had a good weekend. i'm still so tired from god knows what. so nice to have kai back. missed his warmth, his kisses, his smell.... but i'm just so tired right now. i'll have to wash my face now. got mask on.
sex and the city premiere tonight at 9! i cannot wait!

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sex and the city is a bit disappointing. maybe it's just cos i was expecting so much of it. i've been waiting since i first knew that a new season would come out.
made me thought of a few things.

this world is so confusing. we look at each other in wonder. we are amazed at how different we are. i mean, the girl at work eat pizza for breakfast, a donut for lunch, and she's asking me why am i eating so much while i was heating up my oatmeal in the kitchen. so absurd to me, but i kinda understand from her perspective: she is a poor student. she tries to save money by living on left-over free pizzas. but can she understand me?

at a friend's place today. i brought over my dinner, cosi salad and bread. very healthy, and tasty. and she was like, you're eating soooo little! later i skipped the fruit and icecream that she offered --i just didn't feel like eating any. and she said, "why! you're not eating anything!" i don't know what to say. maybe i'm too sensitive to anything related to eating. but maybe, i'm the only one who really know what she's putting in her mouth.

my computer is playing "yesterday once more" right now. remember back in high school, i played this song in an interest group. the teacher said, "wow, i'm feeling so much memories when hearing this song". i was trying to get attention, "yeah i feel the same way too". she's like, "you're still young. you don't know what it is like."
she was half right half wrong. now when i'm listening to this song, i realize how naive i was back then, and that i was just being melodramatic. but on the other hand, maybe i AM the DRAMA QUEEN. it's my hobby, my life. can't take it away from me.

today while i was washing the dishes, it suddenly occured to me that kai's the only person besides my parents who had said that i was "naive". of course i never listened to my parents, but to kai's comment, i was thinking very hard. he's probably right.
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on the way back home tonight, i saw a friend of shirley's. casual chat. phony greetings. always leave a little bit sad. she tapped my shoulder all of a sudden, maybe to show affection, but it only managed to confuse me, almost scared me. i don't know. it just makes me feel uncomfortable.

maybe i'm too demanding of people.

J u n e 1 9 , 2 0 0 3
i hate it when people ask me, "why do you eat so much?" "are you trying to get fat?" "eating so many meals a day!! you're gonna get fat!"
what can i say? what do they know about eating? about nutrition? about what's healthy? what's good for ME?
i wanted to explain. i wanted to tell them that, eating many small meals every two or three hours is healthier than eating two or three big meals, that eating frequent small meals acutally helps you to LOSE weight, instead of gaining, that whether i'm eating too little or too much is not their business, that i'll eat whenever i feel hungry, and stop whenever i'm full, that being healthy and feeling good is more important for me than being unhealthily bony and willow...
but i don't think they would understand. it took me a few years to understand. and most people would probably never understand in their entire life.
not to care too much is the only thing that i can do.

A p r i l 2 7 , 2 0 0 3
please don't say i love you
those words touch me much too deeply
and they make my core tremble
don't think you realize the effect you have over me
and please don't look at me like that
just to make me want to make you near me always

please don't kiss me so sweet
it makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow
and please don't touch me like that
makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow
please don't look at me like that
it just makes me want to make you near me always

please don't send me flowers
they only whisper the sweet things you'd say
don't try to understand me
your hands already know too much anyway
it just makes me want to make you near me always

and when you look in my eyes
please know my heart is in your hands
it's nothing that i understand
but when in your arms
you have complete power over me
so be gentle if you please
cause your hands are in my hair but my heart is in your teeth
and it makes me want to make you near me always

my name is maggie, and i'm a lovaholic

A p r i l 1 3 , 2 0 0 3

it's past 4:30 on a sunday afternoon and i haven't touched any school work since friday. so not me. this weekend is all about storms, ups and downs. too many things. it overwhelms me. all mixed up.

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last night i was having a good time at kai's house. his housemates and their friends were gathered around playing card games and drinking. mike danced all around the place. levi juggled whil peeking at everyone's cards. everybody was yelling at each other. "fuck you!" "no! fuck you!".

finally we stopped playing cards and started taking pictures. five cameras were flashing here and there. "smile", "say cheese". i was getting hot. so kai and i went upstairs, standing over the rooftop where the wind makes the temperature just right.

i don't know where it came from, but kai said, "there is one thing good about zhen...despite she's like a boy". then he suddenly stoped and said, "nah..i'm not gonna say it." i didn't insist even though i was really curious. but i knew. i knew if he said it out loud, it would hurt me like hell.

but my curiosity won at the end. later when we were back from a party, getting busy. i couldn't help but ask, "so what's the good thing about zhen?" he din wanna say but then he had no choice. "well. as a woman, zhen has a good body". "she has long legs"

@#$%&*%^*&*&(&*$%^$#%@#$%@!#!#!@$%^$#%^

pooooooooooooooooooooof. buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum. baaaaaaaaaaaah.

it was like a bomb. right on me. right on one of my deepest insecurity. ........no. i can't continue telling this story. too painful. i'm not gonna do that to myself. it's not wise to record your scarist nightmare.

but hell it bothers me so much i wanted to cry, i wanted to cry so much. i felt .... ugly? cheated? blocked? used? i don't know. i am sexy, aint i? so many nights and days his fingers slide on my skin, so gently, so softly, with so much passion, i couldn't help but believe that i'm the most beautiful woman in his eyes... maybe i'm just making all these things up. i'm making things up to satisfy my greedy ego. why? why? i should know that it's two different things. look isn't everything. phyiscal attraction is only part of attraction. besides that there is personality and other things. why do i care about physical attraction so much? and when i know that clearly we're attracted to each other, why would i care so much when he says someone else is pretty? why? why? why when i'm so confident all the time, i can suddenly feel so helpless and powerless in front of him just because something he said? will i ever get over it? because no matter how hard i try, i'll never be able to become the prettiest girl in the world. there are always gonna be girls who have bigger boobs than mine, nicer butts than mine, longer legs than mine, smaller waists than mine. am i gonna be pissed every time he notices someone? why? why? why? why is it so impossible to find eternal happiness? where is happiness? where is ultimate confidence? i don't want to know the truth. i never want to know the truth any more. truth hurts and no, i can't, i just can't take it. i can't. and i won't. i hate truth. truth is a fucking animal. it hurts and it doesn't even know who it hurt.

A p r i l 7 , 2 0 0 3

the pennyo! spring concert is coming soon. check out our website(which I created)

i haven't updated my website for a while. i have been really busy. studied a lot. spend more time with kai. did many things. life is fulfilling. and never dull. feel stressed from time to time but mostly i'm happy.

jennifer from HS came to visit couple weeks ago. she said i never looked so happy before. i think i've found a few truth about life, about happiness. doesn't mean i'm always happy, but i think i'm closer to the truth than most people.

the picture album online isn't really working... i'm trying to find a way to work it out. i'll probably have a picture page like the one i had on pennyo!'s picture page.

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i don't know why, but suddenly life seems to be so simple. i live for the hopes in the future. i eat to satify my hunger. i sleep to refresh my mind. i study. i spend time with kai. i talk to friends. i go out have fun. i read to stimulate my mind.... i do what i want to do at the moment when i want to do it. freedom. this is what freedom should be. nobody can take it away.

F e b r u a r y 2 5 , 2 0 0 3

In "Sex and the City", Samantha once commented, "how good you are in bed is how good you are in life." I always wonder if that's true. And if it is true, how do we know whether we are good or bad. It's not your ECON test that you get a distinct grade on, nor it is a dress that you wear to the next party.

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love makes me so high. better than any kind of chemically induced high.

F e b r u a r y 2 2 , 2 0 0 3

转眼之间一年的四分之一快要过去了.时间飞逝,让人害怕.除了尽情地享受生活的乐趣,让光阴不白白地流逝,我们还能做些什么呢?
i have archived the past diary entries. didn't want the page to get too long cos it would take a while to load. you can find old diary entries as well as other writings here
here is an essay i wrote about expectations in relationships: expectation

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