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Issue Five - 03/02/05 |
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Dear Jesus,
I'm writing you to ask you about the moral status of a certain activity. Being a Christian fundamentalist MEP, I am required to maintain standards of decency in public office that far exceed the requirements of other mere mortal MEPs. Therefore, I would like to ask you this: is it sinful to give oneself a Buckfast enema? I have found myself indulging in this activity quite frequently of late, the unique synergy of buckfast and colon really is quite remarkable. It's an activity that I find brings one closer to God. Well, it is the nectar of God, after all. Please advise me, Oh Lord, Yours sincerely, Dana Rosemary Scallon Dear Dana, Hmm! Well Dana, there's nothing in the bible that says you can't engage in sordid behaviour, so belt away. However, this just confirms a few theories that I have about you. I mean, I should really be able to understand Christian Fundamentalists since you are all essentially mad about me. But, really, I would hate to be stuck in a room with you or something. In fact, it would be my idea of hell. Oh, and by the way, Buckfast is the nectar of the gods after it has passed through the bowels of the gods. Enjoy! Yours sincerely, Christ Dear Jesus, I'm a bit worried about my friend Jonny. He used to work on the docks, but the union has been on strike and he's down on his luck, it's tough. His girlfriend Gina works in a diner all day, working for the man, but she brings home her pay for love. For love. And she says they've got to hold on to what they've got, it doesn't make a difference if they make it or not, they've got each other and that's a lot, for love. They'll give it a shot. Yours sincerely, Jon Bon Jovi Dear Jon, Well Jon, they're half way there, sounds to me like they're living on a prayer. If they take my hand, they'll make it I swear. Yes, living on a prayer. But, let's face it Jon, I know you really want to lay your hands all over Gina. And lay her down in a bed of roses. Jesus reckons you should go ahead, Jonny's a fucking loser anyway. Yours sincerely, Christ |
 "I'm never drinking again."
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