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					the gang's all here by teagen2 http://www.xenafiction.net/scrolls/teagen2_tgah1.hts SYNOPSIS: Cop meets gangland girl who wants out. Of this story, presumably. It was hard to tell. excerpt from the disclaimer: Author's Notes: This is my very first official posting. All POSITIVE comments are welcome. Negatives I will simply ignore. Send your thoughts to... EWOK: What's the point of ignoring negative comments? "You might benefit from trying x, y and z" as suggestions to improve the story aren't POSITIVE comments. Ignoring 'em means the writer might be missing out on good advice, and hence fodder for more of their much-desired POSITIVE comments. NANCY: Anyone who PUTS something like that in their disclaimer is just asking for our attention! EWOK: Bwahaha, said the Nancy to the Ewok. Fire when ready, Lt Amazon. excerpt: I arrived to find one very green rookie and his partner in a mixed conversation. NANCY: That's funny, I would expect to find a very green rookie in a mixed salad. What is a mixed conversation? There's a gaffe like this in just about every paragraph. There's no point in listing them all for the hell of it. This story needs a thorough re-thinking. EWOK: There's a distinct lack of character development here. NANCY: I think part of the challenge is to figure out which character is being developed. EWOK: She also needs to do some fact checking. The next time I hear a police officer say "I only have a five-hour shift today" I'll shoot myself. Ten to twelve hour shifts is more like it. NANCY: Been checking out a few policewomen's schedules lately eh Ewok? *mischievous grin* EWOK: What seems to be the problem, officer? NANCY: Tenses. None of these characters can figure out if they are in the past present or future. I read one paragraph where the character heard something spoken in the future, reacted to the future comment in the past, and left the scene in the present. I felt like I was trying to decipher some kind of code. I think this bard needs to re-read this and really try and figure out where she's positioning her characters. She needs to aim for more consistency. EWOK: Formatting. The use of the paragraph break is a wonderful thing, especially if you're switching from one character's point-of-view to another's. It'd be a valuable discovery on this bard's part. Especially if they were interested in maintaining this Ewok's sanity. To find yourself suddenly in someone else's head, without even the warning of a paragraph break, is a bit of a shock. I think my fur's standing on end. NANCY: *smoothing down the Ewok's fur* There, there, Ewok. Take care of that fur. You'll need some hair to pull out when you read the sequel. excerpt: She stood a whopping five four, but she looked cut, to say the least. EWOK: *snicker* Ouch. This whole story is dangerous! NANCY: Someone needs to confiscate this bard's switchblade. This quote is interesting though. It's a good example of what is happening all the way through this story. We kind of get what she means, but it's a terribly clumsy way to go about saying it. excerpt: "When their parents stop banging, maybe the kids will too," she said. EWOK: It's more innocent than it sounds, but it's a cruel abuse of the English language as a result. NANCY: *nods in agreement* And please, stop those parents from banging! There are traumatised kids in the audience now! EWOK: Teagen, if you're going to go to the trouble of announcing that this is your first official posting ... well, let's look at it like this, shall we? It's your debut. At least dress up for the occasion. Spell checker, beta reader, you know the drill. There are plenty of people out there far nicer than we who'd happily take the time to help you get this into shape before unleashing it on an unsuspecting public. NANCY: I have given far better stories ratings of 1 out of 10, so I think I'll stick with that. EWOK: It's SO bad. A turkey for the new millennium. NANCY: Happy Thanksgiving everyone!