Riding Out the Ideological
Tailspin - Marigold's Handy Hints on
Being Bi
Marigold’ s Story
I never really considered Bisexuality as
an option until a close friend came out to me at the Gathering some 10 years
ago. I wish I had myself figured out at that time enough to say to her "me too,
ME TOO".
I was always pretty sure I wasn't a
lesbian (although I had my moments), but it took a while to really admit to
myself that I wasn't straight either. When I started working to stop hiding in
other aspects of my life, concealing my sexuality was no longer acceptable:
things had to change. Coming out has been an odd combination of sheer
exhilaration and sheer terror. But I know it was (and is) the right decision.
Q: So how do you know you are
Bi?
A: Believe me, you will figure it out.
There may simply come a point when you can't ignore your sexuality anymore, and
your sexuality can't ignore you.
Some of you may be unfortunate enough
(like me) to figure out that you are Bi when you are engaged in a straight
relationship. Good luck guys and gals, hope you do better than I did. After
admitting your slightly adjusted sexual orientation to you significant other, be
prepared to watch the object of your attention morph into:
Creepy Straight Man (CSM) (1)
CSM will take your little announcement
as the fulfilment of his favourite sexual fantasy: uninhibited Lesbian sex in
the bedroom, and he gets to watch, and maybe even join in... One can put up with
a small amount of CSM-type comments, but let’s be honest, they are still creepy.
Its not even acceptable whilst watching porn to ask "So are you more attracted
to her than to him?" Certainly not more than once during the movie anyway.
A good comeback to CSM's, (whoever they
may be), is to smile sweetly and mention to your CSM that you could introduce
him to some VERY nice men, with whom he could explore the full homoerotic
potential of his repressed homosexual masculinity.
NOTICE: Bisexuality is not a
polyamorous love cult! (well not all of the time anyway)
Throughout the continuum that is human
sex/sexuality/love/etc there are those who sleep with loads of people (and even
the odd dog, goat and kitchen appliance) and those who don't sleep with many (if
any) people at all. Bisexuality may increase your chances, but you also have to
wade through the CSMs, Threatened Straight Men (TSMs), lesbian separatists and
Threatened Straight Women (TSWs) to get to the people you want (and that want
you back). Not to mention the "Bi-curious woman", like as not to run back to her
meat and potatoes quicker than you can say "cunnilingus". If you are REALLY
lucky you may find another Bi person. Believe me it’s quite a revelation.
Ideological Tailspins and the “Double Closet”
It’s the politico-sexual differences
between being with a woman vs. being with a man that can send Bi people into an
ideological tailspin.
I.e. Straight relationship=closeted,
conformist (2), non-political, majority, non-scene (3)
Gay relationship="out", non-conformist,
political, minority, scene
I have two Bi friends. One is very out,
and very open about being Bi and is very political. The other "doesn't want to
be gay" because of the political ramifications, and is pursuing women as a
straight man. However this man tends to attract "lesbians who like dick" (4)
(his words not mine). Aren't humans fun?
The "Double Closet"
Simply: you can pass as straight to
straight people, and you can pass as gay to gay people. So therefore a Bisexual
person must actually go through the coming out process twice: once to the
straight people, and once to the gay people.
Thus a Bi person needs to say to both
sets of people, "Actually I'm Bi". And wait for the reaction. Confused? You can
also pass as gay to straight people (especially if you are single), and you can
pass as straight to gay people.
Neat.
Q: Being Bi would be great
because you can fuck anything that moves, right?
A: Not everything that moves is
attractive, let alone fuckable. Although that's just my opinion.
Q: How do I come out to people
as Bi?
A: You will have to go with your gut
reaction on who you can tell and who you can't, and the right place and time to
tell them.
Your first priority is to ensure your
own safety. While I greatly admire my friend who came out as a gay women to
EVERYONE AT ONCE (including parents), and then came out as a female-to-male
transsexual to EVERYONE AGAIN (including parents) that’s not an approach I'd
even considered taking. It was this transsexual friend's courage that finally
made me stop hiding, and he was one of the first people that I officially
"told”. I have been telling certain people over the last year or so, working
mostly on a "need to know" basis.
Q: Now I have read this
article, I am in a post-feminist ideological tailspin. Help?
A: Suggestions for "thinking about it"
people:
a) Develop coping strategies. Talking to
a good counsellor (and this may not be the first one you find) is highly
recommended.
b) Read, read critically.
c) Find other people. We have a very
good UniQ group here at Lincoln; yes there are gay, bisexual and even
transsexual people at LINCOLN! There are some excellent online Bi groups. It’s
honestly such a relief to find that there are other people like you in the
world.
