Love's
debris ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Seven tried to put her arms around the Captain, to pull her close… but she turned away in anger. “Kathryn.” The Captain turned and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her savagely. “Was it good when he fucked you? Was it all you imagined it would be, Seven? Were your experiments with me successful?” “Kathryn, I…” “Have you had your fun? Is it him you think of when you’re in my arms? Do you fantasize about him coming inside you?” “No!” Seven replied, tears coming hot and fast into her eyes. “Did his huge holographic dick give you pleasure, Seven?” Kathryn snarled, digging her nails into the young woman’s shoulders. “Did you get what you needed?” “I need you!” Seven shouted. “I need you to be what you can never become! I want what we can never have! Why is that impossible? What have I done? The purpose of the simulation was merely to discover my error, to probe what I had done that prevents you from loving me. It was private.” “What kind of excuse is that?!” “It is your excuse!” Seven spat at her. “Or are you the only one who is entitled to have privacy, to have secrets… to create holographic lovers.” “This is different.” “Of course, Captain.” Seven said coldly. “Now it is you who feels betrayed. Are you happy now? You are right. You now have a valid excuse for ending this relationship.” “What are you talking about?” “You were never sure of me!” Seven screamed, pushing Kathryn away so hard she hit the opposite bulkhead. “What am I to you, Kathryn? A valued member of the crew? Your astrometrics officer? A guilty pleasure you indulge in? Am I a guarantee, a promise that you are not alone?” “That’s what love is!” Kathryn yelled, shaking with fury. “That is not love, that’s bribery!” Seven’s words stabbed at the other woman like daggers. “There are no promises. There are no conditions. It is only you and I that are relevant… You say you love me but what you mean is that you will love me if I behave in a manner that is acceptable to you. You are the liar! You are the hypocrite! You tell me that you want me to regain my humanity, my individuality and yet you deny me the right to be loved for who I am…Do you think I don't notice the way you look at me? Do you believe that I do not see your disappointment, your belief that I am insufficient? I can feel, Kathryn. I can love. I can be hurt as easily as you can and I am tired.” “I’m tired of you hammering at me, Seven.” Kathryn retorted. “Very well. Then let us terminate the conversation as you usually desire. Would you like me to undress now or will you do it yourself?” Seven glared at the smaller woman. “Will you be taking me right here on the floor, or will the Captain have the time to take me in her bed? I have to understand your schedule and the proverbial call of duty, after all.” “What right do you have to be so bitter? What right do you have to be so smug? You’re the one who has violated my trust in you, you’re the one who never trusted the love I have for you.” “You give me no reason to!” Seven retorted. “You break your promises to me. You tell me you want me but you reschedule our ‘dates’ if you have to work, or sleep, or talk to a crew member or make the rounds.” “The ship comes first!” Kathryn said, the steel in her voice as hard as duranium. “Every time?! You treat it as some sort of penance! You flagellate yourself because you think what we have is wrong. You tell me you love me but you believe that what little of a relationship we have is a weakness, a crime, a personal failing. And in the end you blame it on me.” Seven's chest heaved with the exertion of crying so much, her voice raw and hoarse. “I am tired, Kathryn. I am tired of you looking at me as if I had done something horrible that only you can see. Only you will not tell me what it is because then you might have to forgive me. I'm tired of being trusted only when it is convenient for you. To be loved as long as you are not vulnerable, as long as you're not jeopardized.” Kathryn recoiled from the words as if she had been struck. “You know nothing about me, Kathryn. You only know what you want, but you only take it when your desires do not put you at risk. You deign to give more than you take, because the more you take, the more you become accustomed to taking. Habit mutates into need. And you refuse to need anyone!” “I don’t need anyone but you! Why can’t you believe that? What do I have to do to prove that to you?! Do you need the entire ship, the entire galaxy to sit up and notice? I love you!” “You are not in love with me. You are in love with the idea of me. You only need me to need you. And we both know it.” Seven wept, her hands shaking as she reached out to the smaller woman. “How can you love me when you don’t know me? How can I love you and know you when you refuse to let me become a part of your life? You revel in your inconsistencies. You declare that you love me and yet you refuse to acknowledge that. Not merely to the crew, but to yourself, and to me.” “You don’t understand.” Kathryn cried. “You refuse to let me! You are terrified that someone may understand you. You maintain these contradictions not because you cannot be understood but because you do not want to be! Do you think you will lose your identity, your individuality, if someone understands you? Or are you just as terrified as I am that no one will think you are worth knowing? Worth loving? Tell me. Help me to understand!" Kathryn's body shook as she took shallow breaths and angrily wiped the tears from her eyes. "Why do you turn away from me, Kathryn?" Seven said desperately. “What have I done? Why do you run from me… from what we could become? What are you trying to protect yourself from?” “You!” Kathryn screamed, the word wrenched out of her very soul. “Can’t you understand that if I love you the way you want me to, if I let myself go… Seven, I would kill in your name and think it worth it. There would be no code, no directive, no civilization or mission, nothing that would matter more than you. I cannot love you that way… Not yet!” “Not ever!” “You see, this is what I’m saying! You don’t trust what I say! Have I ever broken a promise to you when it mattered? I’ve always come back for you, chased after you, and rescued you from the Borg Queen and half this damned quadrant! And all I ask is for you to wait! Wait! Why is that so difficult? You’re like a child! A petulant child! Oh no, you can’t wait, you have to have everything now… now when it could destroy everything I’ve worked for!” “Kathryn, do not use that tone with me.” “SHUT UP!” Kathryn yelled. “For once shut up and accept that I know better than you do! Don’t you dare presume to tell me what I will or will not say! Not on my ship!” “Kathryn, stop.” Seven’s voice was dangerously low. “Do not provoke my anger or--” “Or what? You’ll run away again? Come on, Seven! What kind of stunt do you want to pull this time? Are you going to take the Flyer? Oh no, this time it isn’t enough. This time you’re *angry* so you decide to express your DISTRUST in my love, a love so pure and powerful that it can never be supplanted or excised EVEN IF I WOULD HAVE WANTED IT TO, and you THROW IT ALL AWAY! You give up! You give up, a coward and a quitter to the end! You have no faith in me. You give up all these years together… And for what? For Chakotay?” Kathryn’s hollow laughter slashed through the distance between them. “He never even wanted you on Voyager. He’s never trusted you.” “You claimed you believed in me, trusted me, even with your very life. And yet now you do not even allow me to explain myself. You are a hypocrite.” Seven replied stonily, each syllable jagged with meaning. “Explain to me, Kathryn, how a relationship with the Commander would be any different?” The back of Kathryn’s hand struck the starburst implant on Seven’s cheek. “Don’t you accuse me! Don’t you dare blame my behavior towards you! You were everything to me. Doesn’t my love count for anything at all? I put you before everything!” “Everything except yourself!” Seven screamed. “You can never love anyone, Kathryn. There is no room left in your heart for anything except your obsession. You call it duty. You think of yourself as a mythical Ulysees, shepherding the crew home and avoiding the temptations of sorceresses and sirens lest they take you from your precious quest, your mission. But it is YOU, your pain, your sacrifice, your redemption that is paramount.” Kathryn balled up her fists and stuck them fast to her sides, her eyes on fire. But Seven narrowed the distance between them and stepped so close to her, Kathryn was forced to tilt her head and look Seven straight in the eyes. “Kathryn, your father and Justin Tighe did not die because you were weak. Voyager was not thrown into the Delta Quadrant because you were wrong. Mark did not leave you because you were to blame for stranding your crew. Not everything in the universe revolves around you. It does not care. I do.” Seven replied quietly, her right cheek already sporting the beginnings of a bruise. “Whether you believe me or not, I did not program that simulation in order to destroy our relationship, but to repair it. I see now that such efforts are futile. You will fight me even as I strive to love you the only way I know how.” “Just get out!” The taller woman shook her head and walked away
abruptly. She turned briefly, just before the doors completely shut
on her tear-stained face. “"I love you for everything
you are… even now… even for this. I only wish you would
accept it.”
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