November 28, 2001

The Adventures of Paisley Blue It was time for me to change to some holiday graphics because I'm in a really good Christmas mood. At home we have been listening to holiday music and on the way to work this morning, Michael was singing along with a Dean Martin holiday song... and I am feeling warm and happy inside. It's a good feeling. I have to laugh because yesterday Michael tried to set me up and tease me. When he picked me up after work, he told me that the bunk beds in the room we're sleeping in were being returned to Rent-A-Center today and, until our next payday, we would have to sleep on the floor. (Michael and I moved into a room that had a set of bunk beds in it. We simply pulled the inner-spring mattresses onto the floor side-by-side for our nocturnal needs.) When we got home, Smartalek gave us a message that R-A-C had called saying they needed some money before delivery tomorrow. Everyone thought that telling the message in front of me had "blown" the surprise -- but I did not think anything of it. So Michael said that we were having a new bedroom set delivered today at the same time the bunkbeds were picked up. I was so happy and surprised! Then I laughingly told him that I had not picked up on the clues and if he had not said anything, I would have been none the wiser. I know he was kicking himself. If I had thought a moment longer, I might not have told him that, because I never want to make people feel uncomfortable... but in the moment, it seemed too funny, since he had tried so hard to make me think we'd be sleeping on the floor for a couple of nights. Yesterday afternoon I went to one of my therapists and visited with her for an hour. We covered a lot of ground because I had not seen her in two weeks. The one thing that made me very happy was that, in relating to her some of the interactions between me and other people, she was able to reflect back to me that I was getting better at setting boundaries and sticking up for myself. I still have lots of room for improvement, but it felt good to know that some of the lessons I've been learning are starting to sink in. I also feel really good about how well Michael and I communicate and work things out. Lately I have been receiving lots of phone calls from CB, and while I still do not know where he is, it is good to know that he is relatively okay. Lots of emotions swirl around in my head after talking with him, but it's not a negative thing... it's just part of life, part of moving on. I hate it that life does not go like we plan, because a year ago I would have given anything, gone anywhere, just to be with CB. However, that's not how our paths went. I do think I am a better person for having known him, and I hope we will always be friends. It is just really sad when relationships don't work out... but every relationship is practice for the other ones in our lives, so says my therapist. I am starting to see the wisdom in that belief. If I had not known CB, I would not have a lot of the skills, experience, and insight that I believe are crucial in my relationship with Michael. Another thing I have learned in life is that once you love someone, you never stop loving them. It's just after you are apart, or when they hurt you, or when your life paths diverge, that you learn whether you truly loved them or not. If you can go on and not think twice about them, not feel anything at all, I don't think you ever really loved them. There are a couple of people in my past who fit that bill, and it's strange to realize I invested so much energy into a relationship when I now believe I did not love that person. But there are many, many more whom I did love, and always will love, and I try to make sure they know who they are. ~Paisley Blue

Coordinating images courtesy of

Green and red bows courtesy of
HolidayGraphics.com

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