December 19, 2001

The Adventures of Paisley Blue I haven't written in a few days but I have a really good reason. I was soooo busy! Friday night, Michael performed in Bellingham. Saturday night we went to a club on Capitol Hill, and Sunday night he performed in Kent. I did not go to the last show because I needed to get some rest over the weekend! There is more to the story, though, although I am not proud of it. I feel like I should record it, though, because in the future, when my swiss cheese memory has erased all traces of this from my mind, I will be able to look back at this and remember Oh yah! I never want to go through that again! You see, I had not taken my psychotropic medications for about two weeks, and then I also stopped taking all my other medicine. Somehow I got out of the routine that I had going really good since October. Slowly my ability to handle things and function well started to go downhill. On top of this ws the recent revelation I made to Michael that I had not been taking my antipsychotic medication for months, because I did not like the side effects. I just tried to deal with the little annoyances like hearing voices and hallucinating. I think I was doing really good for a long time, too. At first I did not recognize it, because when you're doing good and start going bad, you don't really see it. It's hard to be objective about depression and mild psychotic symptoms. There were a few clues, though. When I started to feel like cutting myself every day, that was a clue that all was not well in my world. When I started to think of suicide as a solution to little problems several times a week, that was a clue. When I started to actually voice my low self-esteem, that was another clue. Hints and clues were abundant but I did not recognize them. Then as I became more and more stressed, the auditory and visual hallucinations increased, and its hard when that happens because you can't tell they are hallucinations... so you look all around you in that crazy paranoid way to see if anyone else is hearing or seeing what you're hearing or seeing. Then, here's the topper: Yesterday someone at work asked me who I was talking with as I stood alone waiting for the elevator. I was talking out loud, like some crazy person, to no one in particular about nothing that made sense. Later in the day I realized I would do the same thing again when I left the building for a cigarette or to leave for the day. I did it as I stood waiting for the bus. This frightened me because it just erupted from me, like I had no control over it. I was scheduled to see Peace yesterday, and I confessed everything about not taking my meds and being scared of getting put in the hospital. She asked me to contract with her to not hurt myself and I promised. So today I have to go back to see about getting some emergency meds. I don't want to get any worse in the head; I don't want to lose my freedom, my fiance, my friends, and my job. That is why I did what had to be done, no matter how painful or embarrassing or how scared I was. So today I have to go back to the clinic and see someone about getting on antipsychotic meds. I'll be seen on an emergency basis, and this will hopefully help me get back on an even keel. I restarted my medications on the 17th and in even this short a time, I can feel the affects of the antidepressant. In fact, Michael commented yesterday that he could already see the difference in me. Anyway, the only problem after my appointment with Peace was that I left feeling so bad, so guilty. I was very depressed when I left her office. Michael and Butch were in the car picking me up from the appointment and both of them were horribly distressed at my state of mind after seeing my therapist. They both were very adamant that this was not the right way to feel after seeing someone who is supposed to be helping you. Then the two of them proceeded to tell jokes and Michael tickled me, and basically they did anything they could to cheer me up. I love them for that. Last night we were back on Capitol Hill where Michael performed yet again in another Christmas show. All of us - Michael, Butch, Angel and I - got dressed to the nines. Michael even did my hair and let me wear one of his rhinestone chokers. At one point he took me back to the bedroom and stood me in front of the dresser mirror. Standing behind me, he lipsynced the words to the song on the stereo, holding and touching me, making me feel special and loved. Of course, he was in drag standing over 6-1/2 feet tall and I am just five feet tall, so I was looking in the mirror at two women. But you see, those outside things don't matter to me. His spirit and my spirit were dancing together at that moment, swirling around, touching and laughing, while our bodies stood in front of that mirror and he caressed me. After returning from the show we each took showers then got into bed. He was so tired but he knew I would want to talk, so he did for a few minutes but let me know that he was about to fall asleep. So I asked him if we could find some time to talk tomorrow, and he teased me by saying he would have to check his busy schedule. Then, the part I loved, he snuggled into spoons with me and we fell asleep like that, bodies touching, our breathing becoming one. Moments after I knew he was asleep, I drifted off, brimming with joy and love. Life is made of moments... moments like those. Happy Holidays. ~Paisley Blue

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