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The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
The day is not yet over but I am going to take my chance to write a little bit in here. I forgot to mention that yesterday I made a marathon 45-minute phone call back home to Arkansas. Everyone was meeting at my mother's house for the holiday dinner. Of course, both of my parents were there, and mom's dad. My sister, her husband and five children, my brother, his wife and two children, my next younger brother, his wife, and five children, and my baby brother, his wife, and one of his two step-children. Quite a houseful!
I talked with every single one individually except for two of the youngest kiddies. It was a real pleasure and delight to talk with them all. I wish I could have been there...
This morning I had a pleasant surprise because Hulk called me. He said he was going to but you know that whole thing about a guy saying I'll call you... So I never hold my breath, if you know what I mean. But he really called! Now I can get excited!
We met for lunch, and walked down to the waterfront. Ended up we were gone for over an hour and a half. Whew! We did a lot of talking, a little making out, and towards the end it got real emotional as he laid open some of his fears to me. I have to respect the man for being up front about how he felt, about how he had been used in the past, and his fears of getting in a relationship just to get hurt again.
After all, aren't those the very things I was afraid of Friday night? So I told him my true feelings about things, how I am very stubborn when it comes to my relationships and I try to hold onto them with all my might. I told him if this relationship ended anytime soon, it wouldn't be because I left him. He seemed a little overwhelmed but greatly relieved by this. I don't believe anyone has ever said anything like that to him before.
He has already told me that he loves me, and I believe he thinks he is in love with me. I am just not able to rush in that fast and make the same kind of statements, even though I can just feel that he wants me to. I care about him, I love being with him, and I think he is a fantastic lover. There are feelings there. But I am in love with Michael, my fiance, and I told Hulk this up front. Well, at least on Saturday morning.
I have told Hulk what I can offer him, and what I would like from him. He has indicated that this is okay with him. Seems that its been a long time, if ever, that anyone has really accepted him the way he is. He closes his eyes a lot, as if to shut out the pain of the world... and I told him that I loved seeing his eyes. His response was something like These old tired eyes? I told him they were pretty eyes, chocolate brown, no, root beer brown. He died laughing over that. No one has ever said he had root beer brown eyes before.
Hulk told me about his wife, how they'd grown up together and during high school they couldn't really stand each other until prom time suddenly they rediscovered each other. Following school they got married and she became pregnant. Their son was stillborn, and just a couple weeks after that, she ended her own life and he was the one who found her.
By now, reader, you should know that I believe we cross the paths of others in our lives for a reason. I believe I can see the outline of reasoning here. This is a man who needs the kind of tender, accepting, healing love that I can provide. This is a man who needs to feel like a man again. God knows he makes me feel like a woman again.
May the gods forgive me if sometimes I look at him and he takes my breath away, because he looks like CB. I will never stop loving him, either. In the last couple days I have thought of how this is the third holiday season that I have known CB, and yet we have never spent a single Christmas together. Anyway, the simple truth of it all, though, that I have come to forcefully realize in the last two days, is that I am strongly committed to the love I share with Michael.
I am thankful for the capacity for loving that I know I have. I am grateful for the love that surrounds me. May love surround you, dear reader, whoever you might be. I feel funny saying that, because I truly don't believe anyone reads my journal, but CB says otherwise. The last time we talked, weeks ago, he told me that he believed someone was reading my journal. Who knows -- maybe it's him.
Anyways, I gotta go for the night... I don't know what the coming hours hold for me but I will be surrounded by love and that's all that matters.
~Paisley Blue |
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