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The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Christmas Day I was sick. Yesterday and today I was sick. Finally today I went to the hospital to see what was wrong. Turns out I was having an asthma attack all this time, in addition to a fast-moving yeast infection, so now I'm back on steroids and Diflucan.
Last night Michael thought perhaps I needed to see a doctor, so he told Angel to take me to the hospital. He couldn't take me because he had plans to go out for cocktails with Mechanic. Angel, Butch, and I were not impressed by his lack of sensitivity. I mean, if he really cared about me, wouldn't he have taken me?
These few days of being ill has left me with a lot of time on my hands for thinking and being honest with myself. There's trouble in paradise. The things I write in this journal about Michael are all true. However, there are other things that I have not written about, and perhaps it is time that I do.
Michael loves to tell me what to do, and make decisions for me. At first he said he was doing it because I hate to make decisions, and he was trying to make things easier for me. However, even on things that I want to be in on the decision making process, he doesn't let me now.
A good example is that he is negotiating with Mechanic to get a car. I am not a part of the negotiations because Michael has known him longer and knows how to wheel and deal with him. That's all fine and good, I suppose, but I don't like it that he is going to come to me and tell me how much I'm paying for a car that I haven't even seen. To top it off, he hardly ever lets me drive. He can be very aggressive about the fact that he wants to drive.
Michael can be very aggressive in lots of situations. A couple of nights ago he was hitting me with throw pillows, like the pillow fighting we used to do, but these days he hits harder and it hurts. When I asked him not to hit me as hard, he said I was just being sensitive as if that were a dirty word. Well, whether I'm being sensitive or not, he was hurting me and I was asking him to stop. Now, I'm on guard to see whether he will raise another pillow at me. I hate being afraid of being hit.
Ever since Michael and I got together, I have been broke and I have written hot checks, and basically all the disposable income seems to go towards him and his activities. I have not been able to buy a new pair of shoes or even send Christmas cards to my nieces and nephews. But he was able to buy new dresses, afford to go to his drag queen performances, get a cell phone right when he wanted one... and I was supposed to be getting a cell phone, too. What happened to that? Well, once he had his cell phone, the urgency he expressed simply died. The bad thing about it to me is that the cell phone is in my name. I cannot get a phone turned on in my name because I already have one -- but he uses it!
Well, I have decided that things are going to have to change. One of the most important lessons of my past was to not lose myself in a relationship and I am rapidly losing myself in this relationship. I must reassert myself, regain my independence, and the first way that I can see to do that is financially.
If he really loves me, he will understand and work with me. If he is in this just for him, just to use me, then there will be fireworks and worse. I will keep you posted.
In the meantime, I had a chance to talk with Hulk on the phone today. He was swamped at his work but I know he enjoys what he is doing. We made plans to meet tomorrow where I plan to talk with him about the secret plans I am making for New Year's Eve.
Michael had asked me earlier to help him do inventory at his shop on the 31st, but when I asked him yesterday whether he wanted me to take a bus there on Monday after work, he said he wasn't even sure he was doing the inventory that night. Well, if Michael doesn't tell me what he wants to do, doesn't want to make plans, doesn't want to communicate with me -- there's nothing to say that I can't make plans of my own. I want to spend New Year's Eve with someone who makes me feel special, who treats me like a lady, who respects me...
If you, dear reader, are reading between the lines, I'm saying a lot more than I'm actually typing, aren't I?
My heart is sad and aching over the way things are going with Michael. I am hopeful of salvaging the relationship but I am absolutely 100% positive that he does not think anything is wrong, and that is part of the problem. If he does suspect anything is wrong, he will say it is my fault, of course. I'd rather face this now than down the road, after we were married... but still, it hurts.
Goddess, thank you for helping me to see what I needed to see, and please give me the strength and courage that I am going to need in the coming days.
~Paisley Blue |
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