Paisley's Journal March 28, 2002

The Adventures of Paisley Blue Here's the update. Friday night we went to dinner at some friends' house. Mechanic stayed the night. Michael and I came home alone and talked until four in the morning. We realized it was the first night we'd been alone together in months. I asked him to leave, and he started to cry and convinced me that we should not give up. I told him one condition of staying was that he and Mechanic would alternate sleeping with me at night, so no one has to sleep on the floor all the time. He agreed to that. He swore he would never hurt me again and that he loved me and still wanted to marry me. We actually had a really good time together and he cuddled me and held me while we slept. My heart melted... The next few days are kind of blurry. I know that Michael treated me real good. I know that Mechanic is kinda rollin' with things and not upset with me that Michael is still here. I think he was surprised, but he's also been Michael's friend for so many years and we are all getting along. Monday my blood sugar was so high I had to go to the doctor. Mechanic took me. I got my medicine, and the doctor said I'd be okay once I got back to taking my meds. Tuesday morning before I woke up I had a severe TIA, or mini stroke. I don't remember a lot about that day. Yesterday Michael took me to the emergency room. He told the doctor about how my left side was kinda paralyzed and I couldn't walk. My left arm and leg hurt. It took a long time for them to become normal again. He also told the doc that my speech was slurred and it was hard to understand me. They did a CAT scan of my head and said that there was no bleeding. So they said to go home and rest and I would get better. There is residual weakness on my left side and we don't know if it will be permanent. I just need to cut down on the stress. *cynical chuckle* The really bad thing is that I have lost a lot of memory. I can't remember a lot of things about the last several weeks. If it weren't for this journal I would have no idea... even reading the entries I am confused because I don't remember all these bad things about Michael. It's like reading a story book about someone else's life. Michael has been absolutely wonderful through all this. He is looking for work, telling me he will take care of me and not to worry about anything. I don't know if I'll be able to go back to work anytime soon, although I hope so. A lot of the lost memories also revolve around my job. I don't know what I do for a living. It makes me scared to go back to the office. Michael says its good that I don't remember a lot of the bad things that happened because, as he puts it, he wasn't very nice to me and now he's going to put new memories into my head about us being happy together. So far he's done a good job because I have been very happy with him. Mechanic and Michael and I have been happy together. Sometimes we joke around that I have two husbands. Sometimes Michael says he has a wife and a husband, and sometimes jokingly calls Mechanic another wife. All I know is that there are two men here who love me and are watching out for me. Sometimes it makes me want to cry that they are being so good to me. My family is understandably very worried. They have been calling everyday, checking on me. My parents wanted to come out here and get me, take me back to Arkansas. Michael has assured me he won't let that happen. It's not that I don't love my family but I know if I have to go back there, that I won't be happy. However, if I don't get a whole lot better, and if Michael ever gets tired of taking care of me, I might have to return. I realize that. If it happens, I will just have to accept that fact that that is where my lifepath is leading me. In the meantime I've got to do whatever I can to continue my life here. The bad part is that half the time I can't even remember what city I live in or what day it is. I tried to go to the store one day. It is right across the street. I couldn't find my way home. Michael and Mechanic saw me sitting in the park across the street. Michael came out and walked me home. Then yesterday I went to the same store, and made it home okay. They clapped when I came into the apartment and it made me feel good. I don't remember my phone number. I don't remember some of our friends. My short term memory is even worse than before. I am scared a lot. This is scary stuff. At least I remember how to read and write and use a computer. At least I can still draw. At least I can still hold a conversation. I have a hard time following instructions, though. I am sure that it must be frustrating when Michael asks me to do something, and even tells me step by step how to do it, but I can't remember long enough to do it. I was like this once before, years ago, and it took me a long time to recover -- years. I cried and cried the day of the stroke because I didn't want to be like that again. Michael reassured me, though, that everything will work out one way or another. I have to believe him. I have nothing else to hold onto. Most of the time I just sleep or watch TV. I know I am depressed over this but I am mostly trying to not be stressed over it. What really hit home was when the doctors explained to Michael at the hospital yesterday just how serious this is, and how important it is to get me to the hospital immediately if it were to ever happen again. In a full stroke there may be bleeding in the brain, that if stopped immediately, can save some of the brain cells from dying. If untreated, that section will die. In a TIA there is no bleeding in the brain like that. The symptoms usually resolve within 24 hours. There's no way to tell the difference without going to the emergency room. The doctor gave us an information sheet about all this. It really emphasizes that this is a life-threatening condition. Despite the fact that I had my first stroke in 1993 and have hundreds of TIA's in the years since then, it is still scary. What if my luck is running out? This is the second TIA I have had this year. Before that I went a long, long time without one. I just wanted to share this while I still remember it... you don't know how long it took for me to write this all down, and how hard it was to remember all this. I think, what happens if I can't go back to work? Well, maybe it's time for me to start writing the book about my life. Maybe it's time to concentrate on my art. But I also don't want to give up on getting better, and I am working with my union to try and keep my job. Another interesting development is that Mechanic and Michael and I are talking about having a family together. Michael wants to have a baby with me, and Mechanic wants to have a baby with me. Twins run in both mine and Mechanic's family. Could be interesting. I'm open to the idea but I told them if I had children I would want to stay at home with them, not leave their care to someone else. They both agree that this is how it should be. So talk like that makes me think that the three of us have a future together. I keep thinking it would be wonderful. Funny how in different times of my life I have had two men taking care of me at once, and here I am again. Maybe I am what they call really "high maintenance." LOL See, at least I can still crack jokes. Scary times, eh? My life sure as hell would make a good soap opera or sitcom or something, wouldn't it? You couldn't invent all the stuff that I actually live through. Hopefully I will keep getting better. Most importantly, though, I hope I can keep being safe. Right now I feel safe. It is a good feeling. Sometimes Michael asks me if I am scared of him and I tell him no, I'm not. He smiles and hugs me and says, "Good. I don't want you to be scared of me." I just like it when I get the hugs and kisses and affectionate pats on the butt, from both of them. I like knowing that they love me and care about me, in spite of everything that goes wrong. Their love makes everything feel right. I just hope they know I love them with all my heart. I often feel like I am the luckiest girl in the world. ~Paisley Blue

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