Paisley's Journal April 4, 2002

The Adventures of Paisley Blue Well, we finally got some good news today and things should start improving, at least for me and Mechanic. The thing is that I just can't seem to get excited about it. I'm depressed... and I don't even dare tell anyone. I've laid out some hints, I guess, or maybe my actions show it, because Mechanic occasionally comes up to me and says "smile girl!" Today I had to go to a neuropsychologist for several hours of testing. They're trying to figure out what's going on in my head... am I having strokes or is it something else? Well, I felt so bad after the tests that I couldn't even talk about it. I know some areas where I did badly, and I'm sure there's other areas that I couldn't even tell. I hate feeling stupid. Tomorrow I am returning to work for the first time in almost two weeks. This is twice in just this year that I've missed two weeks in a row of work. I'm wondering if I'm going to have a zero paycheck. If so, we'll be on the streets. I'm still the only one working. *sigh* I've spent a lot of time online talking with 'gentlemen' in the area. Michael and Mechanic are always teasing me that I need to get laid. Well, so far, there's been a lot of talk but I haven't actually hooked up with anyone. I'm not really sure I want to, although I want to. LOL Does that make any sense? I'm just so tired... so tired of going through these hard things in my life. Mainly I'm talking about the physical things, the problems my body has. I don't know if I have the energy for another long, hard fight. I wouldn't mind if I died... I've had a good, long life. I've packed a lot of living into my years. And of course, if Mechanic or Michael read this they'd probably be very upset. That's why I tell no one but my journal. I have to tell someone. I can't keep it all bottled up all the time. Know what I mean? Well, I'll try to write again soon... when I have something happy to say. ~Paisley Blue

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