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Paisley's Journal
April 28, 2002 |
The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
There's something I haven't been writing about, probably because it strikes such a nerve and I've been taking a few days to process it. At the same time that Michael met his new sugardaddy, Mechanic met a young man, too. I'll call him Red, because he has red hair.
Mechanic met Red over the internet, like Michael met his friend. So they all met on the same day. Red has been over here almost everyday since then. I really can't say anything bad about the boy - and he is a boy because he's only 20 years old. He's polite and smart so he's able to hold intelligent conversations. He is also pagan, so he and I have had interesting conversations about that topic, as well.
From the beginning, though, Red has felt very attached to Mechanic and has performed all the actions that you would assume go along with a budding romance. He hangs all over him, touches him, acts sorta proprietory with Mechanic. In the beginning I tried to talk with Mechanic about this, but in a way I can't bring myself to say the things I feel because I have this sense of it not being appropriate or something.
I have no where else to turn but my journal then to express my feelings and work through them and try to find a way to handle my thoughts.
I always prided myself on being able to handle unusual and alternative relationships. Heck, you just have to look at my past to see that I have done just that. But my reactions to Red's presence has made me look inside myself, and realize there are emotions there that are deeper than I would have expected, and at the same time, they are unexpected and they make me feel bewildered.
Hmmph. I can't even bring myself to type these things. Instead, I'm dancing all around the subject. The fact of the matter is that Mechanic and I have talked in the past about the feelings between us and we have no commitment or exclusivity with each other. He calls me his friend, and of course, there is no higher honor than to be called friend by someone whom you respect as much as I respect him.
But dammit, it's hard to sit and watch Red touch Mechanic in the ways that I want to touch him... and it's hard to sit and watch what seems to be some kind of growing relationship between them... especially when it's the kind of growing relationship I want with him.
Everyone who knows me talks about how I fall in love so easily... Mechanic has always been the first to agree to that when the topic comes up. And I try to be stoic and bury my feelings because I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable. If Mechanic doesn't feel that way about me, I accept that and take what I can get. At least, that's what I've been trying to do.
So why is it getting so hard now? Why does it hurt so bad? What's wrong with me? I'm still sorting it out... and I am left wondering why this happens... and I feel like dying inside...
Mechanic saw me typing and knew I was writing in my journal just now. I know he reads my journal... so I'm sure if he reads this entry, reading about how I feel, it can't be anything new to him. Sometimes I've tried to talk with him about how I feel and get all tongue-tied and I wonder if he even wants to hear how I feel... because he doesn't always talk about how he feels and... I feel like I'm on shaky ground.
So... these emotional times I have talked about are sometimes inspired by the conflicting feelings inside me. I certainly don't want to drive anyone away by being too emotional or saying anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. But I have to admit that I love Mechanic, and no matter what tomorrow holds, I will never regret the moment he came into my life, becoming his friend, all the countless hours we have talked and spent together, and all the fun we have had.
Friday night we had a bunch of people over until the wee hours, including Red, and as I had already put in a full day at work, I was getting tired before everyone else. Basically I was falling asleep on the couch, sitting up. In that half-asleep half-awake period, Mechanic was playing with me... getting me so aroused... Last night, we again had people over, and there was drinking going on... but they left earlier than the night before. Once alone, Mechanic and I were lying side by side watching tv, and at one point I got brave and asked him to kiss me.
His kiss was so wonderful, so passionate, that I wished it would go on forever. Of course, kisses never do... but I have lived on the memory of that kiss all day and I hope my memory of it never fades. Moments like that make my heart leap and flare with hope...
Well, that's all for now.
~Paisley Blue
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