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Paisley's Journal
June 6, 2002 |
The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
It's been another good long time since I wrote, and I missed writing. Sometimes that surprises me, but it really feels good to sit down and just let some of my thoughts and feelings tumble out of me. At times I wonder why it doesn't happen irl when I'm just sitting around chatting, but then again, maybe it does and I just don't remember.
This has been a big day. Mechanic and I have moved to a larger place in the building where we live. Red has helped him with the moving and cleaning and all the work associated while I've been busting my rump at the office. Still, I was in a good mood all day today because I knew we had improved our circumstances.
The new place is about twice as big as the old one. I believe the bathroom is at least a little bigger. The arrangement of the room is better with the kitchen over by the door, and a window on the two corner walls. We're going to be able to get a real breeze going. There's just so much floor space it seemed absolutely huge when we looked at it earlier today. Now that all our stuff is there, though, I'm sure the room will look smaller. Give us some time, though, to get organized and figure out what we're going to do with things, and we'll have that place looking cute, I'm sure.
I saw Trixie today and we had a real good visit. I told her some of the things that have been happening, including Michael's request in the last couple of days to "move home." When he first asked, when I was at work, I just said I needed to talk with Mechanic, because I really couldn't deal with it right then and there. I mean, it's not like I didn't see this coming, but I just hate to hurt anyone's feelings... how could I just say "hell no"?
So Michael called later in the evening, and I told him that we had decided there wasn't enough room for three people, especially since Red was there a lot and that would make it four people. I suggested he call some of his other friends in Seattle to see whether they would put him up for a while, but he just got angry. He indicated that he feels Mechanic is controlling my thoughts and decisions. Michael hung up on me, and I lay there on the bed feeling sad... not altogether shocked, but sad. Mechanic called Michael right up and bawled him out for hanging up on me and making me cry... and basically told him to take care of himself.
Knowing that I have to watch out for myself... is starting to empower me to make decisions for myself without worrying so much about whether it's going to hurt someone's feelings or anything. I think the first example I have of doing that is when I decided to continue writing this journal, being totally honest and just telling it like it is, because this journal is for me. If I worried about how anyone else felt about my entries, I'd start censoring myself, and then the journal becomes worse than useless. It becomes propaganda -- against myself.
The next step was realizing that no matter what else is going on, no matter who my friends are or what I'm doing in my spare time, no matter where I work, where I choose to live, what kind of clothes I'm wearing -- no matter what -- I must make decisions about my life that I can live with. A year from now I don't want to look back on the last twelve months and have to say to myself, I made this decision or that decision in the hopes that so-and-so would react this way or that way. If "so-and-so" did not react in the anticipated way, it would be like wasting a moment of decision that could have gone in a direction that I wanted.
I have to admit that when I look at the last twelve months, most if not all of my decisions were built around pleasing someone else - whether that was Twinkle, or Michael, or others does not matter. Did I do what I wanted to do?
If I live a wasted life, a productive life, a happy life, a sad life, a life full of tears or a life full of smiles, it has to be my decision... I can't live for someone else. Life is too short for that, and there are no guarantees that living my life for someone else will be 1) wanted, 2) appreciated, or 3) reciprocated.
That being the case, I have made some other decisions internally in the last week that I am very comfortable with. I have reached some conclusions that were rather startling, but now that I've reached them, I am at peace with them. It's almost like a drew a line in the sand, and that's my boundaries on those certain topics, and if you cross over those lines, you're history. Well, something like that. I'm not a violent person. LOL
For example, the best way I can illustrate this is to point out that all my adult life (and even starting as an adolescent) I much prefer being unclothed than clothed. I understand some people call this being a naturalist. When I am at home I like to wear as few clothes as possible and just go about my day. Not to mention that this can have its hazards especially when cooking or smoking, it is not always possible to walk around butt nekkid. But when the opportunity presents, especially within my own home, I want to do it.
Before Red's arrival on the scene, I was getting comfortable enough with my roommates to do this. It brought me a sense of pleasure and peace that had nothing to do with sex or carnal thoughts. However, once Red came onto the scene, I stopped myself. I didn't want to embarrass him, and I felt a little shy myself. (Okay, to everyone out there who knows me: I can be shy sometimes!!!)
When Red left for his little vacation trip to Chicago, the clothes started coming off again when Mechanic and I were alone in the apartment. I began having feelings of great comfort and happiness in my home, because I felt like I was in my natural state. (Hmm... well, I guess I was! LOL)
Red returned, and the clothes stayed on again. Well, something had started to snap in me... I wanted the freedom to do what I wanted in my own home. If that meant painting everything green, I was going to paint everything green. If that meant shedding all this restrictive, excess clothing whenever I want to, that means getting undressed as much or as little as I feel like at that very moment.
And the clothes came off... sometimes I watched Red's reactions, other times I didn't really care. The one time that he said something that really caught my attention, he said (not exact quote but close) he'd seen my tits too much lately.
At the time I did not make any comment, as I recall, but I thought about that for days. The more I thought about it, the more I concluded that 1) that was his problem, and 2) if he didn't like it he didn't have to be there. For once I was putting myself first... maybe not in a really big way, maybe not on a really big issue... but for me it is progress. And Trixie, my shrink, agreed with me today.
Trixie said she was proud of me for making as much progress as I have in such a short time on being self-assertive and thinking in terms of taking care of myself. After all, who better to look out for me than me? Besides, if I have learned nothing else in the last 20 years, it is that you never know what the future holds.
I have to embrace and enjoy the gifts life has given me right now, but always be aware that things can change at any time. I must know how to take care of myself. That requires practice, and confidence, strength, and determination. Hmm... Mechanic is always saying I'm the most stubborn woman he knows... LOL
In the meantime, today I am feeling very happy and joyful and full of hope. There are perhaps some background reasons that add to this which I will not go into at this time, but suffice it to say that this is definitely one of the best days I've had all year.
~Paisley Blue
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