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Paisley's Journal
June 12, 2002 |
The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
I can't believe this is only my second entry of the month. For the last two days I have been thinking about this journal, wondering why it hasn't been a higher priority for me to write in it. The only thing I can think of is that I have been pretty satisfied and happy with my life... and the fact that we haven't had the DSL internet connection at home since last week.
I really hate not having the DSL. Once you have it, you can never go back to dial-up. I get so frustrated with dial-up that I'd rather not even go online... and with my addiction to the internet, that's really saying something!!!
I have been able to get the Games section on AOL to work, and when I do, I always play Dominoes. For some reason, I'm really addicted and I'm not too bad at it, either. However, that's due to the wonderful teacher I had.
The epiphany of my last entry has stayed with me, although there are still some things to work out mentally. Still, it has carried me through and helped me to relax and just enjoy my life a little more. I'm not so stressed about the relationships around me - yes, I'm talking about Mechanic and Red - because I am confident about myself and am really taking things as they come. I know Mechanic has been saying to do that for weeks and months... but I believe it has finally sunk in.
I am still determined to do the things in life that I want to do for myself... and to do the things that make me happy. In little ways I have been doing that, such as succumbing to the urge to draw when I feel like it... giving in to the desire to read when I want to... and even taking a few moments to do a little domestic stuff like straightening up, so that I feel better about my living environment.
When the dishes stack up for days I feel really bad about it, and my reaction in the past was to just ignore it... and I'm not saying that will never happen again. I am saying, though, that if we - not just me, but the whole household - can keep on top of it daily, it will help me mentally and it will also do other positive things. It will be easier to cook because everything we need is clean. It will look nicer when we have company stop by. It will make us feel better about coming home. All kinds of positives...
One real obstacle to this is when I come home from work and I'm really tired. It's hard to care about anything when I'm that tired. I wonder how the working mothers of the world do it.
This past weekend I talked on the phone with my baby brother for over an hour. It was Sunday morning and he was at my parents house doing laundry while they were at church. I don't get to talk with him much - maybe 3-4 times a year. He is currently driving a flatbed truck for a local Arkansas company, and manages to make it home most weekends. One of the things he said that made an impact on me is that all of us siblings need to stay in touch with each other as we get older, especially since mom and dad won't always be around. He told me some of his exploits, some about his life at home, some about life on the road, and we discussed family stuff. It was so good to talk and laugh with him. I miss him so much.
My wedding anniversary came and went, followed by the second birthday of my littlest niece. My sister went into labor on my wedding night, and about ten or eleven at night my beeper went off. My new husband and I dressed and rushed down to the birthing center. He sat in the waiting area with the other four children while I went into the little room with my sister and brother-in-law. When the time was near, the three of us transferred to the birthing room which had a huge beautiful bed in the center of it.
My sister asked me to go get my oldest niece. They wanted us to both witness this birth. My sister had invited me to witness it because she wanted to share the miracle of childbirth with me, since I so far was childless. She wanted her 11-year-old daughter to see this as a form of birth control -- if she sees the results of fooling around, she won't be interested until she's much older and married.
Well, it was the bloodiest, messiest thing I ever saw but it was amazing. My niece and I were holding onto each other for support, both of us trembling and feeling like we were about to pass out. But when that little girl opened her eyes she was just looking around at everything. She was beautiful and intelligent, and like her aunt, curious about her world.
That was an awesome experience. Bloody, but awesome. My oldest niece says, to this day, that she has no interest in having sex until she's married... when she's old... LOL
Last night Red stayed the night, and after he fell asleep Mechanic and I were lying in our bed, talking and tickling and laughing. At times I was amazed that Red did not wake up, but he seemed to sleep through everything. I just loved lying there next to Mechanic, fooling around and having fun. I remember that as I was falling asleep, I thought to myself, "I feel so loved." *contented sigh*
~Paisley Blue
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