July 14, 2002 |
The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
It's early evening and it's been an interesting day with laughs and niggles. Last night Mechanic did not come home, and I reckon he's not coming home tonight, either. He's off doing something important and while I respect that, I can't help but miss him.
Michael cooked a wonderful supper last night. We decided to go out and see some people. He is supposed to have a job waiting for him at a Capitol Hill bar, so we went out there. Lots of people we knew were there getting drunk, including QTBoy, Mama, Queen, Escort and others. The people Michael needed to speak with were not there, so we left.
From there we went to the neighborhood bar where we used to hang out every Friday last summer for his karaoke show. We gained some interesting information but again we did not stay long. Next we went to the Curben to try and look up Twinkle. A resident gave us his cell phone number and said we'd probably find him over at the other building.
We drove over there and sure enough, Twinkle was standing out front of the building, talking with people who were lounging around outside. He did not seem as excited to see us as I thought he would be. As we visited with him, something seemed really wrong. He was very slow in talking, and seemed to have trouble concentrating and focusing his thoughts. I was worried about him. People came in and out of the office, but he only introduced us to one dude - later Michael told me that this one dude was one of the biggest dealers of a certain substance within the Seattle area.
It breaks my heart but Michael and I agree that Twinkle seemed to be under some sort of influence. Then, by introducing us to this person who Michael knows from years past, it cemented our fears. When we were saying our goodbyes to Twinkle he seemed so distant.....
My writing was interrupted by a phone call from Mechanic. I told him I miss him a lot, then went up to the roof to talk with him. It kinda makes me chuckle that people have ideas about what it means when I go to the roof to talk. Usually it's either because there's a lot of people in the apartment and I can't hear, or I want some privacy for my conversation - or a combination of both.
We talked about how it was going between Michael and I. He told what all he had accomplished. We talked about plans for the coming week and he asked if I would be interested in going to Ocean Shores next weekend. YES!!! So now I have something wonderful to look forward to, and I'm already thinking that I need to go shopping... hmm... at the very least I need a new bathing suit... hmm... LOL
I talked with my mother this evening and she was crying and depressed. She tells me I'm the only she can talk to because I don't judge her or tell her what she should do. I just listen, and support and encourage, and to be honest, I believe my open-mindedness and liberal tendencies are coming in handy now. Compared to everyone else in my family, I am waaaaaay out there. But when it comes time for people to deal with things that are outside their scope of experience or thoughts, guess who the first one is they turn to? Yup, me.
It hurts to hear my mom feels like she has wasted the last 40 years of her life. It hurts because to have wasted any precious time of our lives is very sad. Time is something we can't go back and use again. We don't get a second chance on how we use our time. I know that she does not regret the births of her children, but she does seem to regret staying in a marriage with a man who did not love and respect her after their first 10 or 12 months together.
Over the last few years she has learned some of the really bad things my father has done to me, my sister, and my sister's oldest daughter. This, on top of all the things she already knows, on top of all the times he has left her before, on top of the death threats and the horrible things he says to her... it's all too much. She can hardly stand to look at him or be in the same room with him. However, they are both on disability because they have profound health problems. My mom wonders if she would be strong enough to leave my dad.
We have talked about how, if she left, her standard of living would be drastically reduced. On her Social Security she could not afford to pay for an apartment, much less stay in the trailer they are buying. Lots of people have said "Kick him out," but its beyond her how she could afford to do that. I've tried to help her brainstorm and think outside the box, but it's going to take some time to let her get these thoughts processed, where she feels comfortable even having them in her head.
I tell my mom that I love her and want her to be happy, but that happiness can only come from inside. Even the prisoners at Auschwitz found ways to be happy, because that's something the Gestapo could not take away. It's like they were saying "You can starve my body, you can hurt me, you can degrade me, but you cannot take away my decision on whether or not to be happy." I tell her to not let her situation get her that depressed because you never know what's coming up around the corner... you never know how drastically different your life is going to be a year from now.
I reminded her of my theory that our earth life is just like high school - we are taking tough courses, but we can do it. [In a Mormon perspective] our earlier life was like elementary school, and middle school, but one day we graduated from that and had gone as far as we could. The next logical step in our personal progression was to go to boarding school. That's where we are now.
We signed up for these classes... and we were never told they would be easy, but that we would stretch and grow and it would all be worth it. Once we have done what we were supposed to do here on earth, we would go on to the next level. Judgement Day will be like the graduation ceremony, and those who graduate with top honors get to move on to college (the Mormon's celestial level of heaven). Those who did okay will remain at that level (the Mormon's terestrial level of heaven) and get a job. Some will have careers, some will go from job to job never really getting anywhere. And a few will have flunked out of high school so miserably that they are sent to a remedial education program (the Mormon's telestial level of heaven) where there are lots of rules and restrictions and life isn't all that pleasant.
My family has known about my theory of "life is being in high school" for many years but I think this is the first time I've written it down. Maybe it sounds weird, but it works for me.
There is also an ongoing situation regarding my sister... and if you go way back into the archives and read the first several journal entries from 2000, you'll see that the relationship between my parents and my sister has always been bumpy. Up til recently my sister has been a huge source of comfort and support to my mother but now they are not on speaking terms, and my mom is more alone than ever.
They always expect me to be the peacemaker, and I usually am. However, this is a good reminder about why I live in Seattle. If I were in the middle of this chaos on a daily basis, I'd go crazy.... again. I love them all; I just wish the word 'dysfunctional' hadn't been invented by my family.
~Paisley Blue
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