The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
I am having a hard time finding words to write but I can't let another moment go by without saying something to mark the extreme emotional roller coaster I've been on for the last several days.
For someone having a hard time finding words, that was one helluva long sentence!
I have to laugh at myself. I have to laugh at life, because otherwise I'd be crying, or having panic attacks, or something. Never could I have imagined all this stuff...
Friday morning Mechanic and I had an actual fight, disagreement, whatever you want to call it. It was awful. We both hate confrontation and unpleasantness. Yet when it was necessary, Mechanic pushed back and called me on what I was doing... and at first I did not understand why he was upset but after he explained it I understood, and felt miserable for making him so unhappy. I apologized... and our day continued.
I missed my telephone appointment with Trixie. I called three different times but got her voice mail each time. I started to think she might be angry with me, but then I thought maybe something came up... well, I tried to not stress over it.
Then Friday afternoon we got more bad news. Something unexpected and very serious arrived in the mail for Mechanic regarding this morning. With it being Labor Day weekend we were unable to call anyone to get more information... and basically tried to not think about it all weekend. However, that was next to impossible. It was one of those things that you knew was coming but you hoped it wouldn't have been for a while longer...
So today we went and took care of this serious business, or at least got on the road to get it taken care of. But before getting underway, I discovered that my monthly disability check had not been deposited into my account... That is yet another one of those things that I knew was coming but hoped it wouldn't have been for a while longer...
So now I'm in a real tailspin because I don't know how we're going to pay the rent... and I'm thinking, thank God at least I have a car so if I have to I can sleep in the car. But I have tried so very very hard in the two years I've lived in Seattle to not be homeless... and I did not want to give up that easily.
So I schemed and made phone calls and talked with people... and in the end procured a loan at a very high emotional cost. The price was so high because in this person's eyes I am a complete mess-up, the black sheep ne'er-do-well who deserves all this hardship. Jeesh. At least Mechanic and I won't be on the streets...
Now one of the things I have to laugh at is that Mechanic just refuses to worry about any of these things. I told him this evening that I wished I was as cool, calm, and collected as he is... then he looked at me sideways and said it was all a front. Ah-ha! Well, okay, I can't be too hard on myself for not having that kind of facade. I've been through a lot lately.
Things will be tight for a little bit til Mechanic can get on his feet with a new job, but then we will be okay. We're also highly motivated to get into a better apartment, one with a real kitchen, that costs a fair price. And when I even suggested the idea of getting a second job for a little while, Mechanic said absolutely not!
I was surprised by his rather forceful answer but once he explained himself I understood better. He wants to contribute and would feel guilty if I were working two jobs... I already put in long hours at the office. I imagine that if I got a second job, even if just on the weekend, I'd be gone all the time. It's already hard enough for me to relax on my time off, and I am also still not completely well.
I joked with Mechanic that my harsh cough probably wouldn't go over too well in a job interview. I joked about how the folks at work worry that I'm gonna pass out or worse from this cough... and that's when he told me that sometimes at night he puts his hand in front of my face to make sure I'm still breathing. I had no idea...
I feel such peace and tranquility in my soul living with Mechanic that the thought of this arrangement ever ending fills me with sadness... sometimes a little panic... a panic that I recognize. Its the same thing I felt when I worried about moving away from Twinkle. I didn't want that to end either, and it did.
Still, I hold out a lot more hope that Mechanic and I will stay close, even when we have moved on in our lives. Tonight he talked of getting two apartments side by side, so we'd have our privacy but still be close to each other.
Okay, okay... I'm going to indulge myself just once... I'm going to share this little thought that floats through my mind every now and then but I try to push it away and bury it and pretend it's not there... for a brief moment I'm going to notice it and cherish it and smile at it...
I wish... that I was what he wanted.
Okay... now moving on... *tamp* *tamp* *tamp* <--- that's the sound of me burying those thoughts again. LOL
I worked until 9 pm tonight which is the latest I've worked in months and months. There is a project I'm working on that is taking lots of time and energy, heartache, blood, sweat and tears... and it's starting to blow up in my face with people complaining about it and stuff. I just want to get it over with, if you know what I mean. I made a lot of progress tonight.
My first husband and I have been spending a lot of time talking with each other, and I have to admit those fires are still a-burning. The tentative plan at this point is that whenever I can afford it, I'll fly out to where he lives for a long weekend. If I determine the sparks are really still there and I'm interested in pursuing the relationship, he will fly out here. If he gets along with Mechanic and likes Seattle and we still want to pursue this, then we will talk about being engaged again.
I mentioned this briefly to my mother and she was like "if it makes you happy, it makes me happy." But I could tell she was really happy with the idea.
Well, I've about typed my fingers off here. I have been holding all this stuff inside, and it just had to come out or I was going to have to go to the roof and scream my head off... and this method doesn't bring the cops coming, if you know what I mean. *giggle*
~Paisley Blue
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