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November 17, 2002
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The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Somehow the last couple days have gone by. I don't talk about it much, even though it's on my mind a lot. I just know that the people around me don't want me to talk about losing the baby - they just want me to get over it.
They say, "Now, we talked about this..." referring to the statements made to me about "If it's meant to be, it will be..." as if that's supposed to cure the grief I feel. I figure they're uncomfortable with it, don't know what to say and feel that nothing can be done. So, I've come here to talk about it, to let it out, so I can keep my sanity without disturbing others.
Do I wish I'd never known? No. I am glad I knew, even though I was only able to experience it a handful of days. I am glad to have the memory of seeing the joy in others' eyes and feeling the joy inside me at the news of a 'bun in the oven.' I don't know how many times I heard that phrase! *smile*
On top of it all, this wasn't a planned pregnancy. Obviously. I remember what Mechanic said, "Well, at least you know you can still get pregnant." That's true. Who knows what the future will hold... I did agonize a little bit about the timing. The joy overruled the anxiety. Okay, maybe not always but I tried. *another smile*
It's going to be hard telling the few people who do know but that's part of the process.
I continue to be amazed at what people say in response to learning I've lost the baby. Queen said that it was probably for the best because I already have two children - referring to Mechanic and Michael. That was upsetting on many different levels. I'm not their mother! We are friends, equals.
When I finally shared that with Mechanic and Blue, Mechanic's answer was to not think about it, not worry about it, because that was Queen just being herself. Which isn't always that sensitive. She and Michael are having a tense time anyway and maybe that spilled over to me - I don't know.
So last night I got pretty wasted. We went to the Miss Gay Seattle pageant at Neighbors on Capitol Hill. Most of the performances were interesting but a couple were literally putting me to sleep, in the middle of a noisy bar. Now that's bad! LOL
It's when we went to the SeaWolf afterwards that I started drinking 151-and-Coke and it really started to hit me. I was in pain from sitting so many hours on the bar stool at the show, so I wanted something that would ease the pain there, and also ease the pain in my heart.
And it started working, and I wanted more of a good thing... and I ended up intoxicated again. I remember vividly all the stupid things I did and said, despite my strongest intentions of not doing and saying those things. Michael and Mechanic were wonderfully patient with me, and kept reassuring me... and I wonder if they knew just how much I was hurting inside.
I really wanted to hurt myself or die last night... but I did not put a knife to my skin or try and step in front of a bus or anything like that... because I deep down did NOT want to hurt myself or die. I just felt like it because I hurt so bad.
But hurting so bad is not going to kill me, and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, and who wouldn't want to live and see just how strong they could become? I figure by the time I'm 50 I'll be the strongest woman in the world!
Sometimes last night some of the songs had lyrics that may not have been intended to refer to an infant, but they did to me. Sometimes on tv or on the street I would see someone with a baby, and it reminded me. Sometimes I would be totally engrossed in what was going on around me, and the remembrance would pop into my brain and distract me and I would be sad.
I feel some anger about losing yet another child but there is nowhere to direct this anger so I'm trying to just let it go. It's nobody's fault that I can see... unless maybe it's mine... but I know I didn't intentionally lose that child so I refuse to be angry with myself.
One of the good things that happened yesterday is that I got a few hours alone. Blue and Mechanic went out early yesterday morning and left me the key to their place. I went up there and read, and slept, and watched half of one of my favorite movies. I felt like I was nurturing myself by doing those things. It was nice to have the quiet and the privacy.
Then they called me to say they were picking me up and I met them down on the street. They took me with them when they went out to eat. We drove around West Seattle trying to look at the city skyline from different angles, although it was overcast much of the time and hard to see across the Sound. It was fun interacting with them and also watching how things are developing between those two. They both look so happy together and I felt privileged to be in their company and allowed to see this.
Now today I am going to try and be even-keeled and put on a smiley face and try to enjoy myself, and hopefully rest, as much as possible. Goddess knows I have to resume my normal routine and go to work tomorrow, so I need to make the most of today.
~Paisley Blue
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