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November 21, 2002
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The Adventures of Paisley
Blue
Things are calming down on the outside but it seems like they're getting all riled up on the inside. It's funny, too, that last night on television there was a movie called "Strange Voices" about schizophrenia starring Nancy McKeon and Valerie Harper. Why is that funny? Because in that movie a family is dealing with the emotional affects of their daughter's mental illness, and watching her as she begins to hear voices and see things was hauntingly familiar.
I gotta tell you, though, that the voices were funny today. A lot of times today I was in an all out good mood, which even my coworkers noticed and commented on, and here is why: the voices in my head were singing, as loud as they possibly could, the worst karaoke songs in the world. It's almost like they were trying to punish me for not going out last night... only the songs were so cheesy that it was cracking me up. Songs like "Hang on Sloopy" and "El Paso" by Marty Robbins.
In all the literature I've ever seen about schizophrenia or whatever, I have never once heard of the voices... singing... badly and loudly. If I ever thought I sounded that badly I'd never get on stage again. *giggle*
The only time this was a problem today was when I was trying to actually concentrate and work. There wasn't a whole lot of that going on today, though, for obvious reasons.
Last night I had an interesting conversation with Opera and Michael, though. Apparently I have been talking in my sleep... and the night before I had been talking very explicitly and graphically about what I was dreaming about. Michael was intrigued, saying I was pronunciating and enunciating and speaking very clearly, so he asked me questions, which I would then answer. I was dying of curiosity, and THEY had already heard what I had said, so I asked to be told what I had said. I felt my insides turning ten shades of red, although I don't know if it registered on my face.
I suppose I have also been having nightmares, too, according to those two. They are more generic and consist of me screaming "NO!" and trying to fight somebody off. Opera was wondering why I would possibly have these dreams over and over again and asked if there was anything from my past that might contribute to them.
It was all I could do to contain the laughter. Anything from my past? Hmm... how about the whole thing? LOL So I gave her a brief synopsis of the violent past that I have survived, and she began to see the picture. It was kinda cool talking about it with her and Michael, cuz they would ask questions, and I felt like they really cared and were really listening to me.
Another person who always listened to me, and who always cared about me, was Twinkle. He has been on my mind quite a bit lately so I called him this afternoon. It was so good to hear his voice. He is no longer working graveyard shifts so he can start to have a life again. I'm hoping we can find a time that we can get together and chat about the good ol' days. LOL
Blue's visit has had some interesting moments, and he is an interesting character. His dog is pretty funny, too, but I'm afraid he's not getting along all that well with Mechanic's bird, Zeus. As long as Benny and the conure keep distance between them, though, I think they're alright.
I wish I had somewhere to do ritual... tonight I might spend some time on the roof if it is not raining and perhaps meditate, raise some energy and direct it in the way that would help us most. We're so cramped and overflowing in that apartment, but I don't want the group to break up. Ideally the house would come through, but one way or another we need a bigger place to live.
On a funny note, today at the doctor's office I was sitting at the desk of the person who sets up your appointments and stuff. He's a really cool, funny guy and he likes me, he says, cuz he knows something crazy is always happening in my life and I make him laugh.
Well I didn't want to disappoint him... it's fun to make people laugh and I do it just by being myself. Hmmm... maybe I should worry about that. Well anyways, I got going just telling him interesting and funny stuff about my home life and sure enough, he was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. He made my return appointment for me in a month or so, and actually wrote my name on the calendar next to his desk so he'd know when I was returning - and he could laugh again.
Wow, pretty powerful stuff, eh?
~Paisley Blue
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