It's hard to believe a whole week has gone by since we moved. Last Saturday we went out and found a dresser, table lamp, and nightstand at Deseret Industries. Then at another thrift store we picked up a couch for ten dollars. We brought the nightstand and lamp home in the car that day. The couch was picked up later that afternoon. The dresser was picked up Monday.
After the dresser arrived Mechanic, Opera, and I spent several hours just tearing the place up, going through things and putting them in their new homes, until finally... we had a home. We had a beautiful, clean home. There's still room for improvement, and we still need a couple of things such as a computer desk. In the meantime the computer is not even set up.
Monday was a holiday so I had that incredible three-day weekend to get comfortable in the new house. Mechanic and I have spent a lot of time together in the last week, and that is why it is even more disconcerting that since he left for a date last night, no one has seen or heard from him since.
I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach when he was saying goodbye last night that I wouldn't see him for a while. I almost asked him for a number where I could reach him, but then thought that might sound like I was trying to keep an eye on him. It's not that -- it's more a matter of worrying that he is okay when he hasn't been heard from. Instead, I asked him very specifically to give me a call today so I would know he is okay - and he said he would. But... he hasn't called...
He met someone... I'll call him Wing. He's charming, that's for sure. Mechanic has been burned so many times last year, though, that he wants to take it very slow. At least that is what he has been saying. The few times that I have hung out with Wing, he has echoed that sentiment, although he admits that he was not always that way. He was more the type that would fall in love and want to move in right away... but he says he has gotten older, wiser, and changed his ways.
So after meeting each other a few times and talking with each other on the phone everyday, Wing asked Mechanic out... and that was last night... and it's after 5 pm and nobody's seen or heard from Mechanic since then. Should I be worried?
My first reaction is Yes. He would be insane with worry and in wanting to know where I was and why I had not called before now, if the situation were reversed. I care about him - this is not usual behavior - of course I am worried.
And then a little voice whispers in my head that he's free and over 21, that he's a big boy and can take care of himself, and that I am not his mother, his keeper, his wife, or any other type of thing like that. However, I am his friend, and what kind of friend would I be if I did not care about his whereabouts and well-being?
However, until he chooses to show up again, all I CAN do is worry... and I can't allow myself to get eat up with worry, so I'll just send my prayers for his safety to the gods... and hope he calls or comes home soon... and hope that he is still taking it slow...
In the meantime it's not like my apartment is empty to go home to... Opera is still there and Michael has crashed there the last two nights. This morning when I tried to wake him up for work, he called in sick instead. Isn't it nice that he had a nice comfy bed (Mechanic's bed) to sleep in while he was sick? I just know Opera wanted to say something... she was still on the couch.
On the positive side, though, Michael told me that today he and Opera took a walk two blocks up the street to a food bank and picked up some vittles. He's going to go to the store and buy a couple things to round it out and make us a good supper - and I am looking forward to it!
I called my mother yesterday and spoke with her. It was an interesting conversation. Apparently my mother has come around quite a bit in her thinking regarding me and my situation. She was not as hostile as she has been in the past. I had told her some time back that Mechanic and I were contemplating a trip to Arkansas later this year.
Well, she had no problem with that, but she let me know that my father and her would not be allowing us to sleep together under their roof. Then she pointed out that they no longer have an extra bed anyway, so the point is moot. Still, she had to say it, I suppose. In addition, according to mom, my sister will not even let Mechanic into her home and does not want to introduce him to the children because she is afraid she'll have to answer questions about why he and I are staying in a hotel room together when we're not married.
I have to talk with my sister about this myself, just to make sure this is how she really feels and mom didn't mis-interpret something. Still, it sounds a lot like her.
She was a whole lot more sympathetic to me when CB and I lived there. She allowed CB into her home, even invited him to stay with her after dad threw him out. I know she was uncomfortable with the situation, but I suppose the difference is that we were planning to get married as soon as I was divorced. I am not planning to marry Mechanic.
My mom and I talked about the fact that my sister is using her religious beliefs to make these judgements about me. Sis is saying that she feels like she cannot talk with me because we are so different, that we live such different lifestyles and have nothing in common. Like mom said, it's not like we had all that much in common while we were growing up. We've always been very different from one another.
I just think she's become less flexible and more intolerant the older she gets. It's really sad, too, because this is passing along to her children. Mom says that sometimes the kids get these attitudes, like they see their mom get, where they think they're better than someone else because they're righteous and the other person isn't.
I asked my mother why love isn't enough... why she just can't love me enough to overlook the differences, just enough to let us get together and say hi and let the kids see me and let me see the kids, and let us all hug each other and say I love you...
We talked about how Jesus did not judge the harlot, and he ate with publicans and sinners, and he turned water to wine, and drank wine and partied and the 'righteous' would come up to him and ask him why he did all that... and we talked about the golden rule, do to others as you would have done to you... and she admitted that while she didn't agree with the fact that I am living with a man who is not my husband, she also saw that I am living my life the best way I see fit. I'm the best one to make decisions for me. No one else on earth has walked in my shoes, so there's no one on earth who can judge my actions.
I am so amazed and surprised that my mother was talking this way. She also mentioned that she would love to visit Seattle some day, and that her favorite thing when she had been here before was visiting Pike Place Market. This makes me want to go there next payday and buy her a little watercolor of the market, or some other such thing, and send it to her. I encouraged her to lose weight and get healthier so she could make the trip. Mechanic and I have often talked about bringing her out here to visit.
Mom assured me that my brothers do not harbor such prejudices against me or my roommate. They would all be happy to see me. If I could give them advance notice on when I'll be there, she was sure that my youngest brother would arrange his schedule to be there to see me. He drives over-the-road long distance, and has to request off in advance.
I miss my family... but every time I talk with them I realize more and more that I can't move back home. The only way I'd do it is if I became completely crippled up and didn't have no one out here to take care of me... or maybe if I had a terminal disease and didn't have long to live... I don't know. I love them all deeply, and this is a subject that still troubles me (obviously) but for now, I just don't feel the acceptance, love and understanding from them that I do from my 'chosen' family here in Seattle.
Another interesting thing happening lately is the increasing incidences of people who like my art, and want to have a piece of it. I recently sketched out a logo for a guy at work for $40, and today I received a phone call from another gal here. She wants to have a little picture sketched out to use on stationery, for which she will take me out to lunch. That's not a bad trade.
I want to do so much more with my art... and I am going to. This is the year. I am drawing and writing. Just yesterday Mechanic said he still wants to get me some paints to see what I can do with color. Up to now, most everything has been black and white.
Yesterday... I should mention yesterday... I stayed home sick yesterday. As Mechanic put it, I had head problems. I don't know exactly what happened but its like I was having a breakdown. Its like one too many things happened to me. It might be due to the long period of time (over a day) of very low blood sugar. I haven't been able to take all my meds for a while. Physical problems can wear you out if nothing else. It could be due to the presence of stressful people and situations in my life. Heck, it might even be due to the fact that we moved. Good change is stressful, too.
Sure, I stress about money sometimes but that is not the only thing. I just didn't know exactly what the cause of yesterday's anxiety was from, even though people asked me over and over in different ways. Trixie 'prescribed' me to just stay home and take it easy, spend time nurturing myself, and to tell Mechanic that I needed my friend, that I needed him...
That was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do... it's hard for me to say "I need..." much less to tell someone that I need them. But it was the truth. I didn't need to be left alone. I did need someone to be gentle with me when I was being rough on myself... and to love me even though I felt unworthy of it... and to be understanding when I did things that didn't make sense...
...and once I found the courage to say it, he was cool with it. He didn't react in anything but a positive, supportive manner, so I was able to relax and try to unwind and figure out what was wrong with me. And then... about 9 or 10 pm, everyone said, "Welcome back..." Unknown to me, I had returned to my normal self again, laughing, chipper, happy...
Now I just gotta hold on to that! :-)
Mechanic, I hope everything is good with you...
P.S. - It's almost as if the hour that I worked on this journal was a way for me to work a little magick -- just as I was about to turn off the computer, Mechanic called me. He's home! [little happy dance] Now I'm going home!
Bye bye!
~Paisley Blue
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