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Did you hear about the man at the grocery store?
Cokes fell on him, but they didn't hurt him because they were soft drinks!
Once there was this family that was going to Disneyland
and they came to a sign that said: Disneyland LEFT
and so they went home.
A mushroom walked into a ball room and saw a very pretty girl,
so he asked her to dance with him. "I don't dance with mushrooms," she replied.
"Well why not," the mushroom complained, "I'm a fun-guy!"
A boy and his family went to a fancy restraunt and the little boy said,
"Daddy I don't like cheese with holes in it".
His father said, "Well just eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of your plate"
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "I'm on the wrong bus!"
One day, two men named Bill and Steve were taking a ride on their motorcycles. All of a sudden, Bill lost control and hit a telephone pole, tearing off the left half of his body. He was immediately rushed to the hospital while Steve waited anxiously to hear if he would make it through. After a long wait, the doctor came out and said to Steve, "He's all right now."
One day a mailman was greeted by a boy and a huge dog.
The mailman said to the boy, "does your dog bite?"
"No," replied the boy. Just then the huge dog bit the mailman.
The man yelled, "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"
"He doesn't," replied the boy, "that's not my dog!"
A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers." The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee. "This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
When a three-year-old opened a birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol.
He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
His Mother was not so pleased. She turned to Grandmom and said, "I'm surprised at you.
Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Grandmom smiled and then replied, "I remember."
One night a man was having a dream.
He dreamt that he was a tee-pee.
The next night he had the same dream, except he was a wigwam.
He keeps having the dreams over and over so he goes to his therapist.
He tells the doctor about his dreams and asks what they mean.
The doctor replied, "Oh, that's easy. You're just too tense!"
Get it? Two tents - too tense?
There was this guy watching T.V., and he heard a knock at the door,
so he got up to get it, and when he opened the door,
all he saw was a snail, so he picked it up and threw it as far as he could,
and three years later he was watching T.V., and someone knocked at the door,
so he got up to get it, and there the snail was, and the snail
looked up at the guy and said,
"What in the heck was that for?"
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.
Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big
deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Sure. I've come to
install the phone!"
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.
Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anbody could have done!
These three guys were walking down the street,
there names were Shutup, Manners, and Dogpoo.
Dogpoo falls in the sewer; so Manners goes in after him.
Shutup is the only one left, and he goes and calls the police.
The cop says "What's your name?"
So he says "Shutup" the cop says "Where's your manners?",
Shutup says "In the sewer picking up Dogpoo"
There was this guy in his car who had ten peguins in the back seat, and a cop came up to him and said "It's illigal to have those penguins, you need to take them to the zoo." So he did! The next day the cop saw the man again with the same penguins in the back seat except they had sunglasses and towels. The cop said "Hey, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo" and the guy said "I did, today I'm taking them to the beach!"
A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station
on a lonely country road.
On its side were the letters "UFO." The gas station attendant
was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
"Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?" he asked.
"No," one of the other-worldly travelers responded, "It stands
for "Unleaded Fuel Only."
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and
decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for
laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were
startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty
shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and
chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his
breath. "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a
ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my
name!"
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a
doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly
on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my
little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we run like Hell!"
An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.
So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"
There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"
Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be
out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to
the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be
fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking
this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third
time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds. His personal psychic advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is delighted with this news,
"This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."
A young man was driving along a country road on the way to see his girl. As he passed a field the idea struck him to stop and pick a bouquet of flowers. He had barely begun romping through the field when he became aware or a rather mean looking bull not far away, with head lowered and an evil look in his eye.
Far away, leaning comfortably on the prudent side of the fence, stood a farmer taking in the situation. The young man called out to him, "Hey, mister! Is that bull safe!"
To which the farmer shouted back, "Safe as anything! Can't say the same about you, though!"
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "There's no one around for miles, why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and off he went, dogs in trail.
That afternoon, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. he's allowed to say two words every 7 years. After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words.
"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words.
He clears his throat and say, "Bad food." they nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. "I quit," he says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say. "you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
There was this group of old ladies riding in their car about 35 miles an hour when a cop stopped them and asked, "Do you know your only going 35?"
"Yes" said the driver.
"Why are you going only 35?"
"Because the sign says 35." she replies.
"That’s the number of the road," the policeman said. "By the way, why are those ladies in the back seat so scared?".
The driver said," We just got off of Highway 95"
One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"
The Pirate responded " We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."
Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"
The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."
The bartender then asked " Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"
The pirate said " In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."
The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"
The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom." At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
A man was taking his pregnant (with twins) wife to the hospital when he got into a bad car accident. Upon regaining consciousness, he finds his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting bedside.
He asks his brother how his wife is & his brother says,
"Don't worry, everyone is fine. In fact, you have a healthy son & daughter too...but the hospital was in a real hurry with the birth certificates and I had to name the kids, because you and your wife were both unconscious."
"Oh no," thought the husband, "what has he done now?"
"Well, what did you name them?" he asks.
His brother says, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband says, "Why that's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"
"Denephew"
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