(2000)

review by:

8-27-03

Written by: Topper Lilien & Caroll Cartwright Directed by: Courtney Solomon Starring: Justin Whalen, Marlon Wayans, Jeremy Irons, Zoe McLellan

Back in 2000, a monumental event in the world of role-playing was upon us. The much-fabled 3rd Edition of Dungeons & Dragons had been released to the dice-rolling masses, and to further promote the new system (and the game in general), a Dungeon & Dragons movie was to be released in theatres. Like many D&D players, I had the highest hopes for this new piece of cinema. The trailer didn’t seem to be too bad (although there seemed to be an over-abundance of CGI) so I was optimistic. And people nowadays wonder why I’m a pessimist. The Dungeons & Dragons movie centers around two thieves named Ridley (Justin Whalen) and Snails (Marlon Wayans) and a mage named Marina (Zoe McLellan) in their quest to stop the evil wizard Profion (Jeremy Irons), who seeks an ancient artifact that allows the user to control dragons. With this magical item, he plans to take over the kingdom. I suppose I should mention that they spend a lot of time running from Profion’s blue-lipped lackey, Damodar (Bruce Payne), and they meet a dwarf and an elf who join them in their “adventure.” As you can tell, I’m not giddy over the story but is the movie itself good? In one word, no. In two words, HELL no. The acting sucks. The direction sucks. The editing sucks. The special effects REALLY suck: I don’t think I’ve seen so much bad CGI put to the screen at once. Of course you may be asking, “Ok, this is a bad film, but doesn’t the D&D factor redeem it at all?” It would…that is, if there was any D&D factor to speak of. Despite the name of the movie, this is not D&D. There have been numerous D&D settings (Forgotten Realms being the most popular), but the movie is based in its own derivative world. They make mention to TWO D&D spells by name and show ONE D&D-specific monster (a crappy CGI Beholder), but as far as I can tell, everything else is just generic fantasy fluff that they could’ve gotten from anywhere. I felt really sorry for Jeremy Irons. I know he’s a good actor and all, but in this movie, he overacts so much that you think he’s about to have an aneurysm at one point (too much EVIL POWER!!!). Marlon Wayans provides the few intentional laughs in the movie as the thief and unwilling adventurer, and the guy who played the Thief’s Guild Master did a fine job. I acknowledge Justin Whalen’s existence in this movie, but as for the girl who played the mage (and obligatory love interest), she switches from ok to terrible acting so frequently, you’d think there was a good/bad switch on the back of her head or something. Special honors goes to the guy who plays Damodar, for uttering one of the longest, most awkward statements I’ve ever heard (no need to re-print it here, you’ll know it when you hear it). So, in the end, this movie is terrible. Not Invincible terrible or Terror Toons terrible, but it’s getting there. If there is one good thing about this movie, however, it’s that it is so easy to make fun of. To all you MST3K aficionados, you owe it to yourself to get a bunch of your funniest, most cynical friends and just laugh your ass off at how terrible this movie is. I guarantee you a rollicking, good time.

AKA: Too Few Dungeons & Way Too Many Dragons

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