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Ally McBeal Episode Guide
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DecemberDecember 27, 1999Rerun.December 20, 1999This was a Christmas episode, but it wasn't by any means special. Boring and just not interesting. One night Elaine walks home by a church and sees an abandoned baby in a Nativity scene. Elaine takes the baby home with her. She decides that she wants custody of the baby. She goes to court. The Department of Social Services does some research on Elaine's past, and Georgia tells the DSS about Elaine's lascivious behavior. The court questions Elaine, and Elaine says she can change her ways. Ally gives a compelling closing argument to the court in which she says that Elaine is an amazing woman. The court is moved by this speech and gives custody to Elaine. That night the baby's biological mother comes to take the baby back. Ling says that Elaine has a claim to the baby, but Elaine gives the baby back to the biological mother. Also this week, Billy asks Georgia to go to the office Christmas party with him. She says no. Then Billy asks Sandy, his attractive and young secretary. She says no because 1) she is his employee and 2) he is not ready to date yet. Anyway, at the Christmas party Ally sings a very sexy song. That was all for this millennium of Ally.NOTE: Today Ally McBeal was nominated for two Golden Globe Awards including Best Television Series, Comedy or Musical; Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series - Comedy or Musical, Calista Flockhart December 13, 1999This episode was truly half-assed. It was just plain boring. The episode opens with Georgia shopping in a department store known as Newman's. She is complaining about some jeans when she sees Santa Claus attacking this man. Georgia interferes in the fight and beats up a bunch of elves to "rescue" this man being attacked by Santa. The fight ends, and Santa says to the man that he is suing this man, and John Cage will be his lawyer. We then go to the office. Cage along with Ally is representing Santa whose name is Steven Mallory. Mallory is suing the man he attacked who is also the owner of Newman's and his name is James Russell. Mallory is suing because he was fired as Santa for being too fat. Russell's defense is that he is hiring a new Santa who is demographically correct and slim. The defense lawyers include Georgia and Renee. In the meantime, Ally sees a ten year-old version of herself telling her present-self to "save him." Ally realizes she has to save Billy. She talks with Billy and convinces him that his change is false...it's only an attempt to be a man who he knows he's not. Ally then talks to Georgia and tells Georgia that Billy is only acting the way he is because Billy grew up in a household where the man ruled. Billy even played quarterback in high school (Ally was a cheerleader.). The point is that Billy has trouble being in an equal man-woman relationship. Georgia and Billy then talk, and Billy admits that he wants her back, but Georgia says that she can't forgive his pigheadedness. As for the trial, Cage loses because the judge rules that there was no contract. Cage erupts at this verdict and ends up being fined. However, Cage's arguments were so convincing to the owner of the store that Mallory is rehired as Santa Claus. The owner realizes that the Christmas spirit matters more than a slim Santa who appeals to 18-49 year olds. The end of a boring episode, except to say that we're not sure where Billy the Rebel stands now.QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: Why wouldn't he want to date me? He has a penis. --Ling on Billy's possible attraction to her BEST ANSWER TO DO YOU EVER REMEMBER YOUR DREAMS:Yeah, the wet ones. I try to remember the wet ones. --Fish EARLIEST AMBITIONS: Ally chose an artist and Billy chose a doctor or firefighter so that he could help someone every day...and he became a lawyer? NEXT WEEK: Elaine finds a baby. What happens when everyone takes care of it? December 6, 1999Rerun from last year, but it was Christmas-yNovemberNovember 29, 1999This episode totally sucked. First of all, if you were born after 1980, you totally don't find Farrah Fawcett attractive, and she was the only allegedly good thing about this boring, unfunny, and unmoving episode. Billy and John help a lady named Robin Jones (played by Farrah Fawcett) sue a magazine of which she was editor-in-chief. She became editor, because she slept with the former editor-in-chief, and he assigned her his successor. She takes over, and after one issue of the magazine, all of her staff quit. The owner of the magazine then fires her. The people quit because they disapproved of how Jones got promoted. Jones says that their hatred of her was due to her sexuality (the issue she published had partially-nude photos of her) but that she improved the magazine (circulation went up). The case attracts a lot of media attention, and John starts Poughkeepsie-ing in front of reporters (as in "Po, Po, pough.." and sounding like Porky Pig). Cage is humiliated, and all of his quirks come back to haunt him. He feels like a failure and has a nervous breakdown. Jones fires him (but not Billy) from the case, and John basically realizes that even though he is rich and has a beautiful girlfriend (remember Nelle?) that he is still a dork. Some things never change and this upsets John...he'll never be cool. Ally and Cage bond because they are psychotic soul mates. In the meantime, Billy and Robin have this back and forth thing where he doesn't approve of her, but he wants to defend her. Sexual chemistry builds up. As Billy flirts around, Georgia quits the law firm to save her marriage. She will now work for Renee and Whipper. At the very end of the episode, Billy and Jones are talking when they kiss. Who walks in? Georgia! She sees this kissing and exclaims, "I quit my job and now I quit you." Is the marriage over? Also this week, Ling and Richard break up.QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: If you don't like who you are, if you're truly unhappy about your life, it only means that you're ready to have babies. --Fish NEXT WEEK: Rerun November 22, 1999What a sordid episode. It all begins when Georgia continues to meet with this older man in a bar. By the way, his name is George (isn't that cute...George and Georgia?). Georgia shares that she knows Billy isn't having an affair, but she wants him to be jealous of her. She seems disappointed that he doesn't even realize Georgia has been spending so much time at a strange bar. To make Billy "jealous," George and Georgia kiss. Anyway, the next day is Thanksgiving, and everyone comes over to Ally and Renee's. First Whipper arrives and then Billy and Georgia arrive and then comes Elaine and John with Nelle and then Ling and Richard...there is some definite tension when Ling arrives, because remember how last week it seemed that Whipper and Richard almost got back together. Then comes Ally's parents. The shocker...Ally's dad is George...the man that Georgia kissed the previous night. George and Georgia go to talk and Ally overhears them. Then Ally's mom overhears them. Ally's mom is on the rampage and tells Billy about the kiss. Ally then kicks everyone out of the house except for her parents. We now continue the story in parts:Fish takes all of the food to have a new party. He, Ling, Whipper, Renee, John, and Nelle are all eating when Ling gets on Whipper's nerves. Whipper gets up to leave, but first Fish goes to talk with her. He admits that he loves her and believes her to be his soulmate, but he can have good sex with Ling and that matters more than true love...after all when good conversation runs dry what will happen to the sex? Fish knows that the talk is bad with Ling now, and the sex is still good. You can only imagine how much this convinces Whipper. So she leaves. Fish stays and then follows after Whipper. At the very end of the episode, Ling seems to be uncaring (even though she doesn't know what was said between Fish and Whipper), and Fish goes to talk to Whipper, and it seems that he's about to confess his love and caring for her, but he doesn't, and he leaves. Billy and Georgia get to some of their own talking, and it isn't very successful. Georgia realizes that there is a flaw in her relationship with Billy. She is insulted by his desire for her to be a Barbie doll. He is too manly to care about what she cares about. They fight and fight and fight. She leaves and shows up asking Renee if her firm is hiring associates and then asks to be considered for a job. Billy goes on his own walk and sees his new, pretty secretary walking by herself. He smiles at her and then asks her if she would like to go for some coffee. She says "yes." We don't know where they go from there. Now for the big scenes. I will change the order of events for ease of storytelling. Ally, mom, and dad go visit Tracy. As it turns out, dad had an affair a few years back that lasted for six months so mom had a one night stand with a "penis attached to a man." Ally then reveals that mom also had an affair many years ago. At age 3 Ally walked in on her mom having sex with a man other than her father. This causes dad to want a divorce. He claims that his affair was after their marriage had run its course, but mom's was while the relationship was in its youth. Mom says that this is ridiculous because her serious affair (which was a one-night affair that included love) was 26 years ago. Mom also claims she had the affair because dad had transferred his love to another woman...Ally. Apparently, Ally was the apple in daddy's eye, and dad only cared about Ally, not mom. In the end mom and dad are back together but barely. QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: Billy's not even capable of a crisis. He has
the personality of a nail minus the sharp end. --Ling
November 15, 1999Pretty tame and pretty lame. First, Risa returns. If you remember, Ally defended Risa a few weeks back when Risa's church wouldn't let her marry because the priest found out that Risa had had an affair. As it turns out, the fiancee, Joel, had also had an affair, his was with Ally. This week, Risa sues Ally for inflicting emotional harm. Ally hires Renee and Whipper as counsel. Ally and defense realize that she'll lose in court so they try to prove that Risa's life would have been more miserable if Risa had married Joel. Ally goes to speak with Joel, and he says that he won't testify to this fact, because he still loves Risa. Then Ally convinces Joel to try and get back together with Risa. A meeting is set up at Ally's office one night, and Joel arrives early for the meeting. He and Ally are all alone, and they have sex. Risa arrives after the sex has ended, and Risa and Joel get back together, but this time Ally tells Joel to keep the sex between him and her a secret from Risa.In other news this week, Ling tells Richard that he doesn't give her orgasms. She doesn't mind not being satisfied, but she does want to shorten the sex. The two will remain a couple, but Fish has an internal crisis. This causes a serious conversation between Richard and John. John tells Richard that he doesn't think Nelle ever has orgasms, and she only says, "Oh, Oh!" Ling overhears this comment and then tells Nelle. Nelle is now very very mad at John. Ling goes to comfort Nelle. Richard is now alone. Then Whipper stops by, because she was at the office helping Ally. Whipper comforts Richard and tells him that she still has feelings for him, and then invites him to touch her wattle. Are these two back together? Maybe we'll find out next week. Finally, Billy continues to attend his masculine sensitivity course. Only now he thinks that a man has to be in charge to be happy. Billy rebels against femininity by bleaching his hair to platinum, getting an earring, and hiring a overly pretty, 19-year old secretary. Georgia tells Billy that she thinks he's doing this to force the two of them apart. She says that he would be too scared to break up with Georgia so he is trying to make her break up with him. Georgia then goes to this new bar to hang out and meets this older man. The two have this sexual chemistry even though he knows she's married and he's old enough to be her father. For now, the two have only danced, but next week the relationship may go further. QUOTE OF THE WEEK: I'm very satisfied sexually. It's just that you're
not always there. --Ling on orgasms and masturbation
November 8, 1999I'm not exactly sure what this show is up to except to say that it seems to have taken on a life of its own. When this show premiered, it tapped into the vulnerability and psyche of the common woman, but now this show is just confusing. So Betty White fills in for Tracy Ullman as Ally's psychiatrist. Betty convinces Ally to take some prozac. It was actually quite amusing for Betty to do this. Ally didn't want to take the medication, because she wanted to stay with the hallucinations that she'd been having Al Green. Finally, she agrees to take the medication. As she sits in her office waiting to pop the pills, Elaine drops by and tells Ally that she doesn't need to take the medication. Ally basically ignores Elaine, but a final image of Al Green makes Ally reconsider and Ally flushes the pills down the toilet, but after flushing the pills, we see Ally, herself, get flushed down the toilet. Interpret this as you please...it was meant to mean (like my word usage there!) that Ally's bad self and the crazy Ally is gone. And it seems that she may just have grown up. There is this great scene in the end where we hear Al Green singing "To Sir, With Love" and we realize that Ally has learned her lesson from him and can now live without him. Two more stories this week. Story #1- Billy goes to male chauvinist classes to learn how to become a sensitive man, but when Richard shows up at one of these meetings, Billy realizes that he is a chauvinist and that he wants a subservient wife, and he tells Georgia, and the two of them get in a big fight. Georgia eventually kicks Billy to the ground and storms away from him. Elaine, in a great moment, provides totally unnecessary CPR to revive Billy. Elaine then tells Ally about the fight, but of course, Ally has grown and doesn't care about Billy and Georgia's petty fights. The final story this week involved Nelle and John defending some high school kid about a kiss. The boy kissed this girl in the middle of the high school cafeteria and got suspended for it. The boy finds this ridiculous and wants the suspension revoked. The principal tells Nelle and John to get the girl's parents' permission to remove the suspension. All involved members sit down, and we learn that the girl only wants the boy in trouble because she was embarrassed, not because she felt sexually harassed. Later, in a private meeting between the girl, Nelle, and John, John tells the girl about his own experiences in high school and how he was stigmatized for making a little mistake. The girl drops the suspension. But to make sure that the boy isn't stigmatized in high school for being at a weird-o, Nelle goes to the school and in the middle of the hall kisses the boy..which was really sick because the boy looked about fifteen. Also, Nelle realizes that we should forgive petty mistakes, and it seems that she and John are on the road to reconciliation after last week's spanking incident.QUOTE OF THE EPISODE: Ally, I've been a therapist since before you were born. So believe me when I say you won't find happiness in love or by finding God, it comes in a pill....Mine even comes in a suppository form. --Dr. Flot, played by Betty White FISHISM OF THE EPISODE: Lasting happiness only comes with money. ADJUNCT FISHISM OF THE EPISODE: Temporary happiness with Viagra. BILLY"S BEST LINES TO DATE: "Hello. My name is Billy, and I'm a male, chauvinist pig." "I need to feel more worshipped." BEST PROCLAMATION FROM A MALE SEMINAR: Honey, give me back my penis. I want my penis. THE FACTS OF LIFE AS SEEN BY FISH: What we [men] want is sex. What women want is money. NEXT WEEK: John returns to Whipper when Ling confesses that John can no longer give her an orgasm. Jason Gedrick returns as the car-wash-sex-guy. November 1, 1999This was such a great episode, and its greatness has nothing to do with the eroticism running through the episode...but maybe it helps. First we'll do the boring. Billy and Renee try a case together. A number of female employees are suing their boss (represented by Billy) and a woman (represented by Renee) in the office who exudes too much femininity. The women claim that the woman creates an uncomfortable workplace by allowing men to flirt with her. Billy and Renee try the case in two different ways...Billy condemns the law, but Renee says that women should be proud of their sexuality. They clash and Renee ends up saying some pretty not nice things about Georgia which causes Georgia to get mad at Renee. In the end, Georgia is still mad (and by the way, that's about all we see of her this episode) and Billy and Renee win their case. Now the exciting. Ling tells Ally that she's had a dream about kissing a woman. Then Ling asks Ally is the two of them should become better friends. Ally says fine so the two go out to dinner the next night. There's tension between them, and Ally is scared about this kiss. Ling tells Ally that Ally was who Ling kissed in the dream. Then Ling tells Ally not to worry about anything b/c it's only a dream. The two then dance and have a great time. Ling then walks Ally home, and the two have obviously become close friends. Ally asks Ling up for some coffee and Ling says no, but she does peck Ally on the cheek. The next day, Ling comes into Ally's office to talk about the previous night. They both admit to being curious, and so they kiss. And then they kiss again. The next day, the two bump into each other and they admit that they both liked the kiss, but that something was missing...a penis. The two are now friends. However, in the last scene we see Ling and Richard dancing in the bar. Ling and Ally have serious googly eye issues towards each other. Is love still in the air? Do Ally and Ling really need penises? Now the ultra-adventurous. John overhears Nelle and Ling discussing sexual fantasies. John learns that Nelle wants to be spanked. He tells Richard and together the two do major research on spanking. Apparently, 30% of women like spanking and a woman combing her hair in bed and then leaving the brush on the nightstand is a definite sign of wanting to be spanked. In addition, the excitement of spanking exists in the spontaneity and surprise of the act. One night, John muster up the courage, and as the two are going to sleep (Nelle is brushing her hair), John tells Nelle that he has a surprise for her over the bed. He tells Nelle that the surprise is on his side of the bed and that she has to reach over him to get the present. She leans over John and is facing the floor with her body over John's lap, and John lifts Nelle's nightgown, picks up her brush, and starts spanking. She jumps off of him and throws him out of her place. Who knows what will happen.QUOTE OF THE EPISODE:I know when someone's hitting on me, and gay women are attracted to me. --Ally QUOTE #2: As a general rule the idea of kissing another woman grosses me out. ICK. But sometimes the idea of a kissing certain, specific women doesn't gross me out. --Ally QUOTE #3: You're worried about what might happen if curiosity and opportunity collide. --Renee BEST NICKNAME FOR LING FROM FISH: My little rolaid. NEXT WEEK: Betty White encourages Ally to go on Prozac. Billy gets fed up with Georgia's femininity. OctoberOctober 25, 1999Ally is back and it's still pretty darn cute. I'll start with Ally and work my way down the three storylines this week. Number one, the episode starts with Ally having sex with an anonymous man who works at the car wash. The beauty: they have sex in the car wash. They don't talk, they just fuck (NOTE: they don't make love). Anyway, that passes and then Ally goes to work. Ally will represent a lady named Risa. Risa's minister (played by Picket Fences's star Ray Walston) won't allow the marriage because he saw Risa having sex with a man, not her fiancee. The caveat, of course, is that the minister hasn't told anyone and Ally can't bring this matter before a court because then it all becomes public knowledge (and the fiancee will find out). So, Ally holds an ex parte motion with the judge to force the priest to allow the marriage, but the motion is denied. Ally then makes a personal plea to the priest and the priest says OK. Risa is so happy that she asks Ally to be a bridesmaid. Fast forward to the ceremony. Ally has just walked down the aisle when she sees that the groom is the man she had sex with in the car wash. Ally gasps and interrupts the ceremony, but then she says I'm sorry. The service continues until the priest says "Speak now or forever hold your truth." Surprise of surprise, Ally speaks. Now Risa knows about her fiancee. The couple then talk in private and decide to go on with the service. Service is going on when Ally interrupts time number three to speak with Risa. She tells Risa that the fiancee is just using her for her money (it has to do with the fact that Ally had great sex with the man, but Risa doesn't). Wedding canceled, end of story. Storyline number two. John has lost Barry White. He can no longer be sexy and can't keep a rhythm for Nelle. The Biscuit is lost until Elaine tells him that he has more sex appeal than any other guy and the two of them have this phenomenal dance thing. John then goes to have sex with Nelle and everything is going really well until he sees Barry White's face on Nelle's body. They do seem to get together, but it was pretty freaky. Story number three. Renee opens up a private practice. Who is her partner? Whipper. Whipper will, however, only be of council or something like that which means she only takes cases when she wants to. End of episode.QUOTE OF THE EPISODE #1:You're a gender bigot judge. I'd like you to walk a mile in her diaphragm. --Fish to judge who turned down a court order to force the wedding ceremony QUOTE OF THE EPISODE #2: And now, all I want to do is go back to that car wash and do that vulgar verb to him. --Ally on her desire to have sex with a man in car wish NEXT WEEK: Fantasies and sexual desires are expressed. Will there be a special kiss between two women? |
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