words fail us.

But fuckitall If i don't get something down about today...I will curse myself until at least the day I die.

I told the woman that I loved her...the woman that's been the only thing on my mind for the last month...the woman I couldn't bring to bear words on "paper" because of...THE woman.

I told her today, this morning...and I'm still trying to understand it all. I haven't been so unsure and confused about my own thoughts since "The Grand Canyon Take Two (almost)". This is the greatest state of being...it is wholly new. 
The moment...It was all just...so surreal. Dan popped up in IM, and then Christa popped up in IM...and then Thom started singing about being crazy...

and she told me to be absolutely honest with her...

So I did that. I minced no words and told it to her straight.

"if what i feel about you isn't love, then I'm damned sure it doesn't exist."

I waited for her response in real time...absolutely positive she had gotten the message this time.
I really think that was the most true, bare, and heartfelt statement I have ever made. I honestly think that in all my life I will never say anything even worthy of comparison.

And she said this in reponse:

thank you.. I think I can finally put my finger on it, how everything has always fallen short for so long.. because the words never came from someone I respected, and enjoyed, and adored.. you are such a beautiful person. and so something like that means a million times more.. coming from you.

I'm in love. I'm not just deceiving myself. This time, I really, truly am in love...and what's more...i know it. She knows it... 

Some nights ago...something. I was laying in my bed, trying to sleep...and something occured to me. A thought came to me that forced my eyes wide, turned my breath rapid, and hurt my head with the weight of neccessary exorcism. I had stopped my journaling so that this could come unto me, unbidden, unforced, and of it's own free will and in it's own time. 

What follows is what my very soul was trying to say to me. These words I shall shortly present to you...they are, I think, the greatest revelation I have ever had about life. Let not the weary, the destitute, and/or the hopeless gaze upon these words without a revitalization...
 

1 September 2002
0015

Love...

We have all emotions available to us for one reason...to prepare us to love. Love encapsulates all of our fears, our pain, our longing, depression...all of it...because at the other spectrum, it is our bliss.

We fear love because for it to be true...it means the other cannot live without us. Most of us cannot fathom this response from another. We can feel it for another...we can THINK we feel this, and we actually even CAN feel this. True loves do not long remain on this earth apart from another.

Just *thinking* I am in love is a drug of hope. Even while I cannot understand it, it permeates me. I hold off, afraid of it's power...afraid that is simply isn't right, that I am wrong, that all of this is a make believe world I have invented...

because in the name of love we DO invent. We create, we draw, paint, write, sing...

Hate is born of love...for we can only hate something because it so strongly opposes our concept of love.

Red is the color of love, the heart is the symbol. Blood is a metaphor...for Love is why we humans live. Everything we do is geared towards finding it or preserving it. 

Anticipation of Love is perhaps the cruelest place to find ourselves. We want so much for it to be there, within our reach...yet at the same time, for it to be true love, we must, by the very nature of it, so vehemently doubt it is present between ourself and the other.

The idea that a very essence outside of us requires us to breathe, to think, to be...so that he/she might persist. 

Yes I think I am in love. I find the air around me hard to breathe when I think of her. I find every thought clouded when I think of her. I cannot...but that I am filled by this question of it all.

Unbidden my mind plays this out...probes the future. I find myself thinking I could run away with this woman. I find myself throwing away everything that I am, and everything I, up until this time, wanted..NEEDED even...just to continue this feeling.

I agonize when I AM NOT in contact with her. My smile never fades when I AM talking to her.

To love someone, and to have someone love you, truly love you...it is to make you the luckiest man or woman alive. It is not simple companionship, or sex, or child rearing...all of those conventional things we associate with marriage, families, and love. This state...this state must surely be the highest state of bliss a human may obtain. This love must surely be what Christians call Heaven, Buddhists term Nirvana, what religions around the world, both living and dead, consider as a reward for a pious life...

I feel a pain with this anxiety. I feel a weight on my chest with this longing, with this idea that somewhere out there, she is perhaps even now dreaming of me. It is a hurtful joy that imagines her writing these same thoughts in her own way, in her own time.

Some would say that two people in love want nothing but joy for each other. Well I nay say that...for I say that Love is selfish. It should be selfish...in fact I think that it MUST be selfish. It is something that is too powerful to let go. It is the one thing that makes humanity right. Love is what makes us transcend ourselves, to leave our trappings behind. To be in love is to be enlightened, and to think that we are in love...it is a meditation.

And should I be wrong...should I once more see a ghost... 
 
 
 

current mood: words fail to describe it
current music: Buffalo Tom _Smitten_  
 

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