I can't have another christa in my life. I just can't do it.

so yeah...i guess it's all or nothing this time. i told her once i could maybe do that if it came to it...after months of pain and frustration...but you know what? fuck that. i've done enough already god damnit. i've done enough.

I want to be strong. I want to wait if i have to. I want to live through hope that it will all work out and we'll be together like in the fairytales. But i just don't think I can do that. I gave this girl the deed to my heart two months ago. It was hers to do with what she would. When i stepped off the plane i gave her my actual heart in person.

I should have seen this coming. Why should I have believed that my physical presence would actually change anything? Was it ego, or just blind lovesick hope?

It is truly a cruel world when you don't have anywhere you can go to cry at 2AM. I've never choked back tears before this.

I wasn't expecting her to say she loved me. Dreamed maybe, but never expected. I didn't expect her to say I was her soulmate, or the man she needed, or anything like that. To be honest, I'm not so sure exactly WHAT i expected from her on this trip. I got what I wanted, proof to myself that I love her...

Last night, whe she said she didn't know if she could even call me her boyfriend...

if nothing else came of this...that's something I sort of at least counted on, you know? I understand the whole "I don't know if I can be in a relationship thing". With only a few twists in her case...that scene's already been played out in my life...different girl, different scenery...but the story was the same. I understand it... but i was looking for at least something to chew on, you know? What am i suposed to think, or to say? "There's this girl...my soulmate, and i love her more than life itself. We kiss, we hug, we stare into each other's eyes and just...be...together we just be. But she doesn't know if i could be her boyfriend."
That is fucked up.

so i'm angry, and I'm hurt. she says she hasn't been leading me on and as much as i want to believe her, i still feel that way. She says she wanted to just tell me, at first, to hold off until i moved back to california. I don't think she understands how impossible that is...

I was looking to this trip to make me decide where to settle in california, where to go to school, where to find a home. I can't drive down here from SF every weekend. I can't do it...especially not if it's going to come to where I am now...

that's not even addressing the issue that i physically could NOT wait until i moved back to at least start this rolling in the real world.

I'm about ready to pack my bags and just go back to japan right now. Just give up on her...just give up on love...again...

But i just know that if i give up on this girl, it's a very real possibility that i will never love again. That hurts and scares me more than the idea of her ending us as friends. 

so I'm here for five more days, counting today. Five more days. i don't know what I'm going to do.

i didn't want to write this entry. Last night, curled up on the living room couch, forcing my tears and whimpers back so as not to wake anyone, i half decided to forget about it. I half decided to just go on like i hadn't even thought these thoughts or felt this pain.

but i can't do it. 

This is probably the first entry I've ever written that I feel sick about putting online. But i've held no punches thus far, all these years. Now is no time to start. I'm not changing. not for you, her, or anyone. I am the man I am. I'd like to wait unti she gets home to talk about this...but i can't do it.
 

Someone help me but i couldn't wake her up early this morning to tell her before work. I just couldn't be that cold.

She gets home from work in about seven and a half hours. i don't know if i can say all of this to her in person. I don't want her to see me cry and just break to pieces as I say it. I don't want her to tear up inside in front of me. I can't bear that i should make her feel obligated, or to give an ultimatum. I suppose i really can't see this unfolding any other way though. I need something...something. Something to either kill me or restore my hope....

because right now my hope is just about gone. I'm running on fumes here people. 

current mood: hurt
current music: Whatever Katrina's computer is playing.  

Previous

Next

My Earthly Shell home