so i gave up. i gathered up a blanket,a pillow, and went to sleep on the couch. She followed not too long after and i told her everything...

and there were moments when i literally couldn't speak through the tears.

someone help me but i'm not going to just sit back and wait for her to maybe decide she loves me. I'm not going to just be her friend and pretend i don't love her more than a friend should. I'm not going to pretend anything. It hurts her that i can't be a friend after this...but her pain couldn't come half as high as my pain. Self preservation.

I still don't know if coming here was a mistake. I feel like it was... but honestly, isn't it for the best that i know now? That this just isn't going to work. 

I've got four days, including today, to love her, be with her, live as close to my fantasy world as I can...After that...

i really don't want to think about "after that". 

current mood: dissappointed / crushed / hurt
current music: Catherine Wheel Mix CD 
 

 
12:41p - I Lost my Love 
I awake in a haze i cannot fathom,
Be it lies or greed or bliss
Realizing that's another day lost.

If i could supsend the cosmos i would,
For another hour, day, or week with my Love;
Because it's ending.

I'll be leaving this possibility soon
Because i can't stand the pain
And the hinted destruction.

It's been a collapse of my dreams
To hear her speak those words,
Or roll away in bed.

Suddenly it comes to me 
my long insomniac nights
Are a blessing in disguise...

Laying awake as she slumbers, 
When she can slumber
It's all i can do not to seize her
Wake her
Hold her close and love her
As i have never loved before...
And fear never will again.

She is my fairyland, my nirvana.
Her smile is the rainbow 
From my life's thunderstorms

I regret my birth, I regret her,
I regret our meeting,
And i sing the praise of it.

One man should not bear such pain 
Especially not alone.
But my freshly returned lonliness 
Is the reason for the pain, afterall.
So alone i self destruct.

In her arms, the clock ticks like satan's laughter,
And i feel her dissapearing.
Running with her wind,
Until she's gone...
My tears my only comfort.
And sad company at that. 
 

 
3:51p - I've been on crack. 
Kindly disregard the last few posts regarding the hopelessness of my situation.

Today, a few brain cells kilt whilst watching ducks, i came to my wits a bit.

What the hell have I been thinking? I LOVE this woman. not like, not partial to, not enarmored of...but L*O*V*E. 

What is a bit of pain in the face of that? What is indecision or fear in light of that? What the FUCK was I thinking to so readily toss aside what I've felt in every red blood cell I own? 

Love isn't easy. Fairytales don't exist. Nothing worth having falls into your lap without a bit of a fight.

"Cuz it's gonna take time. A whole lot of precious time. It's gonna take patience and time, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it right now"

"You spin me right round baby right round like a record player right round round round"

"You're the meaning in my life, baby you're the inspiration..."

"Hail Hail the lucky ones i refer to those in love"

I'm not going to give up so easily. I knew long before I stepped off the plane that she wouldn't just fall into my arms and ride off into the sunet on just a smile. I knew then that this trip was to prove something to me, not to sweep her off her feet and make her unable to live w/o. I knew when i planned this trip that even if everything went PERFECTLY, it would still be a matter of almost an entire year before we could build a real life together. I made peace with that.

I knew all of this but somehow my heart got in the way and suffocated my brain. 

I'm still an infant in the ways of love, but I've learned, and I'm learning. It took me years to even consider that i loved Rebecca. It took over a year to realize I DID love Christa. It only took me a month to see that i love Katrina. 

Up until Katrina I used my head to make sense of my feelings. I used to think and think and think and neglected almost every message my heart threw me. When i met this woman, I resolved to ignore my head and listen to my heart for once...

but that too is wrong. I realized this today. I have to make peace with my thoughts and my instincts. I have to learn to listen to both my head and my heart. So that's what I'm going to do.

So she's only comfortable with being friends. Does that really make a difference when you're 5000 miles away? It's not like I was looking for internet or phone sex. Fuck, I mean, I said it myself that I can't force an ultimatum on her...so insteand I'll give her nothing at all? How is that loving her?

The only thing I have to fear is that she'll meet some other man and I'll fall away like a parachutist with a malfunction and no reserve. Even if that does happen...i really think being tossed would be easier than doing the tossing.

need i say it again? I love katrina. I love her with a passion i've never felt before. i love her like there is nothing else to love.

Damnit i said a long time ago that I would fight for her. Now it's time to step up and prove it. 

current mood:  calm
current music: Whatever Katrina's computer is playing. 
 
 

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