We talked last night...and it got ugly. It got so bad we gave up and went to sleep...well...i tried to go to sleep. Ended up out in the living room watching _Top Gun_...finally coming back into her room to sleep on the floor. Now I'm dead on awake and i know i'm not falling back asleep...and it's hard to just cuddle up in that warm happy not sleep but close to it daze when you're on the floor. The couch isn't really much better.

So I'm here, typing away...and everytime she rustles about i wonder if i'm waking her with my keystrokes.

I told her if all we can be is friends right now, I have to live with that...but later i put a condition on that...She said once that she wanted to love me. I told her that i needed for that at least to still ne true...

and she couldn't do it.

i tried to explain to her that i don't think i can ever be her friend and be in unrequited love at the same time. I don't want to close the door on us...but i have to figure out a way to stay sane as well. It's a bit scary to think i could get suicidal if i don't get either a sign of hope, or closure. Because right now, the way it stands, everything in my life is covered in this ugly ash gray soot. I know this feeling...i was there a lifetime ago...and i almost didn't make it through.

She told me once this could be a terrible thing, "us", because if it doesn't work out, it's going to shred our already wounded hearts to pieces. As lovers are wont to do though, i paid this risk no notice.

i'm here for three more days. how am i supposed to do this when we're both so dissapointed in each other? I've done everything i can think of, and it's only made things worse.

sigh 

current mood:  confused
current music: none  
 

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