She told me a few days ago, when all "the talk" started coming out, that she hates it when i touch her in bed, that the slightest caress or omvement jolts her awake, no matter her level of sleep. Her explanation is it's her body's way of saying "don't be in a relationship now. Don't love this man."...and she's going with that. I can dream up other less negative interpretations for that one, but at this point, I don't care to raise it to an argument.

It's clear to me that this woman could never love me like i love her...probably not even close. It's clear to me that she just wants me as a friend...and she hasn't said it, but i am beginning to believe that's all she ever really wanted.

So i told her yesterday i wanted to be her friend. It makes my last bit of time here easier to deal with, even enjoy to an extent - for both of us. Do i really want to just be her friend? Do i honestly believe i'll stay her friend? I don't know...but I'm leaning towards no.

I wrote a while back that love is, should be, and must be, selfish. She turned those words on me. SHE turned those words on ME. I could be wrong but i think she's the one who's been selfish. That statement of her brings to light an idea i've had for a while now about online journaling, particually journals like mine:

When i post a thought, it's incomplete. It may seem to logically progress from start to finish. It might make perfect sense. It might even be original or well thought out or whatever. The thing is though...it's a personal journal. This isn't a research paper. My thoughts change. They aren't always right or even applicable. Just because i say something in an entry and never mention it again, it doesn't mean that the very next day my thoughts on the issue haven't completely reversed. A journal, to anyone other than the journalist, is nothing more than a half cocked window into my world. I'm the only one with access to the whole house. You can't know someone a tenth of who they really are though their journal. IM helps, but it's still the same general concept. The only way to know anyone is to be with them, face to face. Otherwise you're just kidding yourself...and this trip to validate my feelings for the girl prove that in a way nothing else ever could.

I loved this woman. For a couple of days, I lived a fairytale romance in a dreamworld. It was a short lived dream though, and reality can't support it.

If there's ever another woman (and if so, hopefully it isn't another four year dry spell until then) I have to try to hold a part of myself back. Sinking myself so deep and so fast can only break my heart again. I have to contain my emotions, ration out my heartspeak with my mindspeak, and go slow.

So help me god though, i am never going to be "friends" with another woman that I love again. This girl, asleep five feet away from me...she's the last one...if even her. 
 

 
11:02p 
I never really understood how people can stay in abusive realtionships, or work so hard to ressurect dead relationships, or go to all efforts to save relationships.

Now i know. Despite all my feelings about how this has turned out...i still love her. I still dream that maybe someday it can work out. I still want her touch, her lips, her body next to me. 

I'm pretty certain I'll do this "friends" thing...because i can't see how i have any other choice...but just how close of a friend can i handle being? I guess that's the real issue. I suppose it will get easier as time goes on. Maybe we can be such close friends she'll love me someday. Who knows. Not holding my breath though.

Tomorrow i leave. Tomorrow is my last day with her. 

current mood:  sleepy
current music: Whatever Katrina's computer is playing.  

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