I'm journaling, I'm not journaling. I have this account, i had another one. I deleted the other account and erased all the past entries in this one. I'm private, I'm public...

I don't have a whole lot of anything figured out. I thought i had to stop journaling. I thought i could solve some problems by doing that. I thought the very journal in and of itself was a character flaw -- a lonely crippled method of expression and an attempt at sympathy or pity or...love. I thought i had to destroy access to the past so i could create my future. I thought I had to forget because i couldn't forgive myself.

I've run through every single human emotion known to me in the past month. I've had just about every conflict of thought i can imagine. I've spent a lot of time trying to get lost in sleep or alcohol or just...solitude. I've woken up crying, been unable to sleep at all. I've dreamed wonderous dreams and slept like the dead. I've had rays of darkness and specks of sunshine. I've been with the fishes and have enjoyed it very little to be honest. I've seen days filled with nothing but grey ash of worthlessness and other days so filled with hope for the future that the longing was but a pinprick in my side. I've been unable to write at times...and unable to stop at others. I've wanted to say everything. I've wanted to say nothing.

There have been times these last few days where it was all i could manage NOT to write...NOT to visit LJ...NOT to visit her journal and see if she is OK. I vowed never to reach out to her again and I failed. 

I have my issues. Perhaps this journal really is one of them. Perhaps just having this journal makes real life hard for me to live...inflates my ego, makes me feel important...makes me dream things I shouldn't.

But i have no-one else to talk to. I have no shoulder to lean on. I have no counselor save myself, this journal, and those of you who read. This journal is about me, by me, and for me. That's all that fraggin matters. Perhaps it is a mistake to bare my soul to the world in such a reckless manner...

so? I've never sent out invitations. I've never asked for RSVP. I have tried over the years to implicate my friends as little as possible in here. I have never used their full names...usually not even writing their entire first name. The only life i pry into here is my own. If i damage anyone here, it is myself...

and if I am wrong in this...it's never come to my attention. I would like to hope it would...

So i want to start this again. I won't be restoring the deleted entries. In time i may restore access to the archives I have backed up off site...but right now what i want to do is start fresh. I considered going underground--moving to my old site or another blog. I considered going paper only. You know something though? I like having my friends here. I like them knowing that I'm OK, or when I'm NOT ok. I like getting comments that say nothing other than 

*hug*

and I don't think that makes me a voyeur or narcissistic and a horrible person...i think that makes me value my friends and feel good that they value me.

I will be changing a few things about the way i run this journal, however. I will be making more entries Friends only...or perhaps even Private...this entry you are now reading, for example...this sort of entry will be restricted in the future. I will be more selective in who I add as a Friend. I will no longer allow anonymous comments. I can't say right now but i might not post as often either.

I've been thinking two much in abslutes lately--all or nothing, black or white. Life just isn't that way. 

Why the sudden change? I realized something today. Right or wrong, this journal is part of me. I can't cut it out any more than I could cut out my own heart. There need be no other reason...and really, there isn't one. 

current mood:  indescribable
current music: Tori Amos _Scarlet's Walk_ 

tahiriwolf 
2002-11-24 10:37 
Glad that you're not entirely deleting your journal. Hope that the change is good for you. It's hard sometimes to decide who to share what with. I know I've gone more friends only in a huge portion of my posts lately, just because...sometimes you run into some really odd ducks out on the internet. lol. *hugs* May things continue in a positive manner for you.
 
greeneyed_devil 
2002-11-24 17:39 
Well I hope that things get better for you... I was wondering how you were doing. Good luck and i hope you feel better!

taliana 
2002-12-02 20:50 
*hugs*

We all want to be connected to someone...to each other. And that isn't a bad thing. 

10:43p - Insomniac Reflection   

Great Love inspires great art...

all of this has given me some new material (great or not i leave to you to decide)

Recapitulation through Poetry.

Before my visit:

Chameleon Thoughts

I fear this Dancing Thought

and after my visit...the last two i just wrote today.

I Lost my Love

Gone

Dreams of a Return

we IM'ed a bit a few nights ago. I learned, to my relief, that she doesn't hate me, and it looks like i'll be allowed back into her life someday. Now my pain has changed a little in that i have to deal with purgatory as well. Sigh. Some hope is better than no hope. I can't forget her and move on like I once thought. She'll always be a part of me. I want to hope that someday she will return my love. I want to...but i can't. Whatever the reasons...honestly i just don't think it could ever work out the way i envisioned.

I don't know if i want to love again. beyond the will I or can I...i just don't know if i even want to. All the women i become interested in...there's always something in the way...something that i could never remove. Trying to get through only breaks my heart.

but love has a funny way of making it's own rules, doesn't it?

I'm still in the whole "i could never possibly meet her match" mindset. It's unreasonable I know...she is but a single person in a world of millions...but such is the pain of the heart breaking. I know that the possibility exists...i just don't like the fraggin odds.

so this has been the worst one yet. The brightest chance and the hardest fall. I suppose in a few more months things will mostly settle down and I can return to my dreaming, hoping, lovesick self. I suppose. It just feels like for every three steps forward, I take two steps (or more) back... 

current mood:  lonely
current music: Genesis _We can't Dance_  

rainingvodka 
2002-11-25 00:47 
she is. it'd sure be nice to know if it was intentional or not though.

 Re: 
greeneyed_devil 
2002-11-25 09:07
Well, with all honesty, it looks like you're submitting to her every move, and letting her control the way you feel about yourself. That's not love, that's control. Whether it's intentional or not, it's unhealthy. You used a shitload of leave days to see her, not even your family, and she fucks with your royally the whole time you're there. And since then, it's been a fucking roller coaster. Even if, one day, SHE decides that you two should be together and you once again submit to her decision, would that really be healthy for you? I mean, look at all she's put you through already. Personally, I wouldn't be able to put that past me.

 
rainingvodka 
2002-11-25 09:26 
you're right. I HAVE been just rolling over for her. she's been steam rolling my heart ever since I met her and given me absolutely nothing concrete. See the email i sent her (cut and pasted as my next entry). I'm making a stand damnit. I don't have to just put up with this. I made mistakes, sure...but she had her emotions canned from the start and i went to see her with both hands tied behind my back as it was. Then i get home and...she just lets me this way -- hasn't returned a single email. Never calls me up in IM. The most contact I've had this month was when she blew up to me after reading my alcohol induced confessions of hatred and anger that i couldn't keep contained...after i'd already told her numerous times reading my journal could hurt her after everything.

She's got her own issues about love and relationships she has to work through. That's understandable. I do to. We all do. But I don't have to just sit back and watch her shread my heart to pieces, intentional or not, because she's unwilling to deal with it right now...unwilling to deal with ME right now.

so i don't think she'll reply to this email, given what I've seen of her. And that's a good thing, because it will prove to me, once and for all, that she doesn't care enough about me to warrant my love.

 Re: 
greeneyed_devil 
2002-11-25 14:23 
I also think that since she's no longer on your friends list that you may want to restrict your entries about her to friends-only so she doesn't see them. A lot of these issues seem personal and I sincerely hope that you can work your way through them - I'm as always a very bitter person when it comes to love and relationships and am always willing to give my cynical opinion ;-)

 Re: 
greeneyed_devil 
2002-11-25 14:24
By the way, I'm not trying to put you down or anything - I just don't like seeing people get hurt like that...

oddharmonic 
2002-11-25 18:53 
Thank you for saying that. I don't think I could have ever mustered the nuts to say it, much as it's needed to be said. 

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