Katrina,
I love you. I don't know that i could ever stop loving you. Right or wrong...i don't know how i could have ever doubted that but i've never been so sure of anything in my life. Everytime i log onto the internet i pray to have an email from you...some contact...any contact. The majority of my days are spent occupying my mind lest i think of you. When i find myself alone...i drive myself insane.
I don't want to hurt you anymore than you've already been hurt...by me and more importantly, by yourself and by life. I don't want to force any ultimatums on you, but i can't go on living like this. I can't help but feel there's more to your side of all this than you're telling me...and keeping me in the dark is killing me. Just waiting on you to maybe come around and tell me "when you're ready"...that might be what you need to do...but it's not going to work if you want to keep me around. I'm at the breaking point. It's been a month since your feelings began to change. 
This might sound unfair to you what with your ex's, work, finances, and school...but i have my own issues too...i need you to respond to this email. I need to know whatever it is you don't want to, or feel you can't, tell me. Whether it's about me, about you, or about the world in general...i need to know. I've been honest enough with you that I think I deserve to know. I don't know that there's anything I haven't already told you by now. Speculation about your end of this can only hold me off for so long. The only way to have a real friend is communicate. I don't want to cry anymore.

If i hurt you so bad because i'm not the man you dreamed of, you owe it to me to tell me so i can move into a healthy sort of pain and get on with my life. As it is I'm having a hard time even convincing myself that I'm not a monster. If that last bit alone doesn't move you to help me...i don't want you in my life.

I'm not asking you to IM me or email me every night. I'm not asking you to tell me straight up that you will never love me, never could love me, or don't want to love me. There's a year to go before that issue need even be touched. I'm just asking for something...*anything* to tell me that you care AT ALL.

If don't hear from you by the end of the month, something...anything that proves to me you want to be my friend, don't bother later...because real friends help each other when they're hurt...no matter the pain they feel themselves.

I've tried to give you time. I've tried to give you space. I've told you everything in my head. That's how I've tried to help you. I would do more if you would only tell me what it is i should do. I've shouldered about as much pain and confusion as I think i could ever manage...and then gone back for more.

i don't know...maybe your life is so fucked up right now I should feel lucky to have my...you. but how could i ever know if you won't talk to me?

I keep telling you "OK" when you say give me time, or not right now, or I can't. When I say that...all I am doing is deluding myself. Well...i'm not saying OK anymore. Either help me out here or get out of my life. If doing this makes it too hard for you...I'd rather know now that I'm not worth the effort to you.

-glen 

current mood:  cynical
current music: Genesis _We can't dance_ 

rainingvodka 
2002-11-25 14:23 (link)  
Thank you for all your advice. I do value it. You've given me the best clues as to how to get through this than anyone else i think.

But no. I'm not taking this advice. I'm not giving up quite so easily...not yet. She's not on my friends list, and I'm not on hers. I will write what i am compelled to write. Please don't take it as a personal affront.

 Re: 
greeneyed_devil 
2002-11-25 14:41 
Oh, I'm not taking it personally at all. I really enjoy reading your journal; you're very expressive and well-written about what you are going through right now, and it really sucks that you seem like a really nice guy with good intentions and your heart's been torn out. 

I am so bitter about relationships in general, and I hate it when I feel like people are being manipulated. I mean, she may have good intentions and not be manipulating you - I may be reading the whole thing wrong. I just like to write a little more than "don't worry, things will be okay, " or "things will get better," because sometimes that is horse shit and often, things *aren't* okay and *won't* get better for a long time and I don't like to candy coat stuff. 

But you don't have to follow my advice - not everyone does and that doesn't bother me at all - I am just trying to give you another perspective, but of course, you have to do what feels right for you. I'm always willing to try to help out though ;-) 

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