I have this gaping hole in my stomach that I had hoped was just hunger.

It isn't. Food isn't helping any.

She hasn't returned my email.

I sent her Another email this morning...her 24th birthday present. She still has some control over me. I am still not capable of completely breaking free. I tried to give her tortured soul an easy way out...If her delay is to find the words to say goodbye, i told her not to worry about it -- i am strong enough now and Love myself again so that all she need do is write a one line email..."goodbye", never respond, or take one, free, last parting shot.

However...i still have gained enough strength and self-worth to tell her she it will not be easy for her to keep me. I told her to either give me everything she's got or just walk away. 

I don't know if she's capable of giving me so much...and if she can't now, she never will...

I closed by wishing her a fullfilling kind of love that she could share with someone...somewhere...someday. The kind that I originally thought I had with her.

I tried to give her an easy way out in the names of kindness and of love. Maybe i should not have. Maybe i should have simply waited for her response. Within three days time I will finally know who she really is. If her tortured soul takes this gift as another attack...so be it.

It's not going to be as easy as it seemed last night. I'm not going to survive her as painlessly as i thought. This gaping hole is going to continue to appear on a regular basis i think...but i know that in time...it will fade, and it will leave.

And i will never let anyone make me doubt myself or my feelings again.

"One last shot to kill the pain...one last dance with mary jane" Tom Petty. 

(Originally posted as a private entry for my eyes only)

3:28p 
god help me...I'm never going to get over her. I'm never going to stop wanting to reach out for her. I'm never going to be able to hold my thoughts from her. I'm never going to regret coming on too strong. I'm never going to stop feeling this pain over losing her. I'm always going to regret how this has played out. I am never going to grow.

I'm never going to grow again.

I thought i was done crying. I thought i was strong. I thought i could just let her live her life without me. I thought i could last a few more days until she made her choice.

I'm never going to stop believing i can fix this. I'm never going to belive I can live without her. I'm never going to be the same again. She is always going to control me and my thoughts whenever I am alone.

She taught how alone I am. She taught me how needy I am. She taught me how unable to live without her I am. I'm never going to stop reading her journal. I'm never going to stop wishing I could read her private entries. I'm never going to stop wondering if she is thinking of at any given moment of her wakefullness. I am never going to stop wondering if she is dreaming of me.

Three more days of hell. Then I can either feel again...or i can die. I don't want to die. God...I don't want to die.

I don't want to die. 
 

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