Why can't i let her go?

You're afraid you will never fall in love again. You're afraid time is running out. You're afraid.

Why can't i accept that she does not feel the same about me?

You want her too much to see the truth

What is the truth?

She will tell you soon

Will I heal?

Yes...but it will take a very long time

Will i stop believing i am over her when I'm really not...happy one night only to cry the next day?

Probably not for a long time

Do I have a mental disorder that compells me to obsess over this girl?

Possibly...go see a shrink

Does she owe me anything?

She might owe you the truth. She will tell you soon

Will i ever be the same man?

No...but you might be a better man

Will i ever trust anyone enough to share my heart with again?

I don't know the answer to that one

Was my visit a mistake?

I don't know the answer to that one

Could the dream have become reality if I'd only been a better man during my visit, and accepted the failure of it better?

No. You wanted more than she was offering. Nothing could have changed that.

Am I a monster who has done nothing but bring pain into her life?

No. You think too much of yourself. You have not had the impact on her that you might think. To her, you are nothing more than a long string of not-even-relationships that did not work. You are one more man who wanted more than she could give. You are just one more man.

Will i learn that alcohol is not a solution to my sorrows?

Hopefully...I feel like absolute shit right now because of alcohol. Having a hang over at 0300 is not fun 

current mood:  lonely
current music: Sigur Ros 

rainingvodka 
2002-11-27 11:07  
*hugs*. i just visited your journal. please try to stay alive. you can survive him just as i can survive her...i want to share something with you...something i wrote a couple days ago that helped me...I don't want to share it here though--i am emailing it to you. i don't feel comfortable adding you to my friends list just yet...but it's a private entry anyway...

anyway, i'm sending it to the email addy you have listed on your user-info page

 Re: 
xsexmidgetx 
2002-11-28 11:18 
you seem so awesome thank you/....
  
rainingvodka 
2002-11-28 13:18  
you're welcome. i understand...this heartbreak thing hurts like a mother...

*hug*

be good to yourself, look out for yourself...care about yourself. we cannot so forget ourselves that we let another's actions control us.

Re: 
xsexmidgetx 
2002-11-29 06:58 
you are really confusing me
  
rainingvodka 
2002-11-29 10:40 
i'm sorry...how am i confusing you?

Re: 
xsexmidgetx 
2002-11-29 10:58 
what do you think is going on with me??
  
rainingvodka 
2002-11-29 14:09 
did i not understand it right from your journal? I thought you were depressed and in large part due to a boy...

 Re: 
xsexmidgetx 
2002-12-03 07:18  
yeah thats true but it isnt totally his fault 
  
rainingvodka 
2002-12-03 17:13 
sorry. In my troubled state of mind i didn't see other reasons...kindreds in pain and it was a small comfort to not be alone in such pain. I'm adding you to my friends list...i feel comfortable doing that now.

please let me know if you ever want to talk about anything, or if there might be anything i could do to help you.

 Re: 
xsexmidgetx 
2002-12-04 07:39   
thank you so much... you are great
  
banzooken 
2002-11-27 14:06  
Do I have a mental disorder that compells me to obsess over this girl?

Possibly...go see a shrink
 

Seriously, I agree with, well, you. If its easily accessable you should really look into it. Not because you are "crazy" but because it can help give you some helpful insight. When I had it avaible for free I went as often as I could for 2 years... I wish I had it again.
  
miss_geek 
2002-11-28 18:57 
a really good friend of mine and i agree with you completely banzooken... 

usually i am anti-shrink, however... in this case... i think it may be not even just a nice suggestion... but a really really really good idea...
  
taliana 
2002-12-02 19:20  
Time is not running out. It is never too late.  

 
12:31p   
I'm getting therapy. I'm all messed up and I need professional help. I chatted with jen today and i finally understood something. For years now I have felt a void...a void i thought that only my soul mate could fill. I've been in so much pain for all my life because of that...and I've latched onto anyone that might fill that void...even people i hardly knew. 

I just talked with someone at Mental Health and she gave me a bevy of phone numbers. There's only one doc on duty right now because of the four day weekend, and he's there for suicide cases. If i get even remotely suicidal I'm going to the ER and will see him before i go get help on Monday. I don't want to go to the ER...if i do that i will probably get kicked out of the army. I've seen this situation before and I've processed the paperwork...i KNOW how it goes. I don't want an early discharge...but i will do what i need to do to keep myself alive.

I'm broken. I understand that now. I'm going to get fixed. 

current mood:  scared
current music: Pearl Jam _Riot Act_  

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