| Monday, December 2nd, 2002
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 11:57a So i get to work today and call the outpatient mental health clinic on Kadena AB. Despite what i was led to believe, the earliest they wanted to see me was 16 Dec... i just about lost it right there on the phone. I called the clinic at Lester Naval Hospital...they won't see Army personel -- Kadena does that. i used up just about every ounce of compassion trying to get something...but no dice. I had worked so hard just to make it through the weekend. All i have to do is make it to Monday I said to myself, over and over and over. My self realizations and the high they caused were wearing off and yesterday i just...i don't know. So when it seemed i had to go two more weeks of this...i felt like i wouldn't make it. I felt like any chance I had at recovery was fading fast. I had to talk to someone...not just today, RIGHT THEN. Broke up to the point i almost couldn't keep my tears in at my desk, I went to see the Chaplain. I didn't want to do it...i really didn't want to talk to a man, someone i see almost every day, someone in my unit. I know my confession won't leave his office but... i had to talk. I just HAD to get some help, ANY help...be it nothing more than a semi trained religious advisor. I sat there, tears rolling down my cheeks as I started, stopped, faltered, and stuttered my way through my pain. At the end all i could think was...I haven't painted the whole picture. I haven't put her into it nearly enough...i haven't fully explained my past, how I've acted, my bipolar emotions, my inability to maintain control... but it was enough. He looked at me...and he understood how much pain I was in. He asked me if I wanted him to call Kadena and try to get me in early... and so now I am going to the clinic in an hour. current mood: indescribable
greeneyed_devil 2002-12-01 20:18 Let us all know how it goes! Sometimes, even if you don't want to talk to him, the Chaplain is the best one to go to becuse he'll at least get you to where you need to be. rainingvodka
taliana
I'm so glad that you found the strength to go for help. *hugs*
4:14p so i just got home from the clinic it was...not what i expected. I thought I was going to sit down with a pyschologist and tell her everything that's going on. I thought she'd listen to everything and then give me her opinion on just what the hell is wrong with me. What happened is I was given a lot of paperwork to fill out...the burns test and I think the evans test and a evans test variant(?) can't remember the names for sure...as well as the other "why are you here? in brief.", "have you hurt yourself?", "do you have any family members that have problems?", and the famous "are you on or ever been on any medication?" questions. Then the desk sergeant took me back in a room, had me explain my situation (again, in brief), and go through the major questions I'd answered. Ok OK i thought as all this went on...when do i actually get help? Turns out I wasn't going to. Today was just an evaluation. I saw a shrink, with the sergeant present, for about ten minutes maybe...in which time she discussed the treatment options we'd pursue and that's about it. Grrr. So now instead of the 16th, I have an appointment on the 18th with a specialist in "cognitive bahavior." Said specialist in said field DOES, however, do group sessions every thursday and I might be able to go to that in the meantime...so that's good at least. I left feeling very happy that i bled my soul to the chaplain because i didn't get that chance at the clinic. Grrr. but even still...i do feel a bit better and more capable of moving on without katrina now. I don't feel like I can't make it until the 18th. That's a definite plus. current mood: disappointed
banzooken 2002-12-02 00:03 Group stuff can be pretty nice too. I did a lot of that... On one hand you may be hesitant to be open with so many people. On the other you get the benefit of people showing you that you are not alone. I like my groups. Another good part was if you become close with a member or two they can usually help with emergency support out of meetings. rainingvodka
but i think going in to see the chaplain really helped settled me about sharing so maybe it won't be so hard afterall...after you do it the first time...well...i just seem much at ease to share with others. i didn't tear up or break down at the clinic at all! Re:
rainingvodka
So I see not crying as a sign that I am accepting all of this and am on the way to recovery. When I went to the clinic i didn't feel as burdened anymore...more relieved to be honest... It might just be that it was such a...sterile experience at the clinic though... Re:
Relieve is a good start. But dont get discouraged with ups and downs.
Somedays will be good, weeks can be good, then you can have a "relapse"...
thats how these things work.
oddharmonic
Group sessions were a catch-22 for me, but I hope they'll help you. *hugs*
5:48p i put a lot of stuff in the mail today. greeneyed_devil your coral is in the mail. katrina and caralyn's china dolls are in the mail i ordered dad's christmas gift...a book about triathlon swimming, and technically i mailed that too cuz it's going straight to his house. all kinds of cds to all kinds of different people for all kinds of different reasons are in the mail today the last reminds me...i need to get cracking on CDs for dan. poor bloke had to pawn his whole collection of ~300 off just so he could eat some months back. I promised to burn like a hundred out of my collection...perenial favorites of ours, Dennis Leary, The Who, Doors, tori, MxPx, MeatLoaf, etc etc etc. go me! today was such a great day! I feel so...almost born again. I guess I got my utmost wish...i died so i could live again. "Today is the greatest day I have ever known..." Billy :) Now i just hope i feel like this more and more often instead of just every once in a while ;P current mood: satisfied
biffah 2002-12-02 01:12 please email me at biffah@aol.com and send me your snail mail addy so that i can send you a xmas card. oddharmonic
Mailing is fun. I need to pick up some stamps and envelopes to mail cards this year. Laurel's giong to help with the illustrations. Muahahaha! Yeah. You've been warned. (;
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