Karma...

what a bittersweet way to consider my life these past several months...

Such joy, leading to such confused actions, leading to so much pain and more confusion...leading to realization, and leading to changes in the making.

All of this had to happen. All of this had to happen so i learn, so I could take steps to outgrow the confines my troubled self has been building for at least the last five year. All of this had to happen at the expense of another person.

Sigh.

I must have had some really...interesting past lives that all of this should happen.

I am certain I will have another very...interesting life my next time around.

Am I karmic bound to repeat these events over and over for eternity?

I feel good that all this happened. I feel horrible that all this happend. The Chaplain said once at a function that the key to life is forgiveness. He said that the key to love is forgiveness. This is a very scary thought...not because i can't forgive her...she needs no forgiveness. Nothing she did requires it. 

This frightens me because it will be a very long time before I forgive MYSELF...even understanding why I've done what I've done...even knowing that it wasn't something I MEANT, or WANTED to do...even knowing that I couldn't control myself or my emotions...it doesn't make it any easier. At this point I've stopped obsessing about what I've lost...just the manner in which I lost it and the effect I may have had on another person's soul.

why must we hurt another to gain our own freedom? I have lived my life in an attempt to never hurt anyone, to forever help others, and to always subdue my own pain to ease the pain of my friends, family, and those I care about...except for the women that I find myself enchanted with. Those I have dirtied, soiled, abused, taunted, violated, and mistreated.

i just want to stop. i want to break this karmic cycle. I don't want to hurt anyone ever again...and I need to forgive myself before I can ever be in a relationship, before i can trust myself, before i can be who I really am.

so it seems that for all my thoughts that I was ready to have a relationship, I was wrong. so very, very wrong.

but it all had to happen.

why? 

current mood:  guilty
current music: Pearl Jam _Riot Act_ 

I'm a firm believer, as you probably know by now, that everything happens for a reason. Maybe the reason why this had to happen was so that you would learn...that there is work to be done before you can be in a relationship with someone. 

I don't think that you are destined to repeat what has already occurred. With each relationship, we need to learn our lessons and move on. Each is in preparation for "the one." And sometimes we don't meet that person on our desired timetable. But it will happen for you..for all of us. And when it does, we'll know it is special..and to appreciate it. 

Forgive yourself, Glen. And forgive her. You aren't alone in this. Perhaps you misread some signs...but I also find it difficult to believe that she didn't send some that would string you along. If someone decides to fly half way across the world to visit me, I've gotta know that it is because he cares a great deal about me. She had to know what your intentions..what your hopes... were. 

There's no blame. Sometimes things just don't work out. Forgive yourself and her. Explore why you felt the need to jump into something so quickly. Learn to love yourself. That's the most important thing.

Chin up..
*Hugs*
 

 
8:46a - Therapy   
This is what it seems i have in store for me:

Cognitive Therapy

pay particular attention to the following:

CBT is usually brief 
Most CBT patients are able to complete their treatment in just a few weeks or months — even for problems that traditional therapies often take years to resolve, or aren't able to resolve at all.

reading all of this feels me with great hope. 

current mood:  hopeful
current music: Tori Amos _Scarlet's Walk_ 

 tahiriwolf 
2002-12-02 19:02
That is good news. Best of wishes to you on it's success and briefness. :o) 

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime
example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed
to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. (From the World Wide Web error message "404
Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located).

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm,
then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

---------------------

splurged today. got new running shoes to hopefully alleviate this problem I've been having with my arches, a disposable u/w camera (cuz i just give up on ever getting motivated to send my broke ass "real one" in to get fixed in time), and the Special Collectors Edition Five Disc Fellowship of the Ring DVD set (yeah...the one with the bookcase ends and everything!).

and to top it off, i endulged myself and ate at Chesty's today for lunch....mmmmm. yummy. 

Anything I can do to help with getting your "real" a u/w camera fixed?

/me envies the collector's edition Fellowship of the Ring, though she hasn't seen it yet.

Does Chesty's serve good milkshakes? *chuckles* Sorry, that begged for it. Really. 

oddharmonic 
2002-12-03 14:30
If I had any chance of getting out sans Laurel to see the movie, I'd jump through hoops for it.

I second the sending of it to biffah! 

Session Start (AIM - rainingvodka:zorry01): Tue Dec 03 18:30:09 2002
rainingvodka: ok...if you tell me to leave you alone...it will be a lot easier for me to do that...because i am trying, finally, to respect your desires. before you say that though, i just wanted to ensure that you know you have only been part of my learning I have them and solving my mental health issues...never a reason for them...and i will always value what little time I had with you in my life because of that
Session Close (zorry01): Tue Dec 03 18:37:55 2002
 

Session Start (AIM - rainingvodka:zorry01): Tue Dec 03 18:39:53 2002
Session Close (zorry01): Tue Dec 03 18:39:58 2002
 

Session Start (AIM - rainingvodka:zorry01): Tue Dec 03 18:40:37 2002
rainingvodka: ok then. I am so very sorry I am sick katrina...if i had known this earlier...i would have never troubled your life with mine. goodbye.
Session Close (zorry01): Tue Dec 03 18:41:55 2002
 

Session Start (AIM - rainingvodka:zorry01): Tue Dec 03 18:45:16 2002
zorry01: inasmuch as I've felt attacked, inasmuch as I've felt confused by your conflicting words, I've always wanted you to be happy glen and I hope that your therapy will aid you in that persuit.
rainingvodka: does that mean you will ever consent to be in my life again?
zorry01: that decision will take some time.
rainingvodka: i know you hate apologies...but i am so sorry for everything. i honestly did not do any of it to attack you or hurt...i just...such a huge void in life for as long as i can remember...i thought love would fill it. i don't understand privacy...i'm learning. when i first hurt you by that and i saw myself losing you...i went insane. 
rainingvodka: so this is it then. this is really your goodbye. oh god. please don't let this affect the way you view men and or love and or relationships. i can't ever forgive what I've done if it does 
Session Close (zorry01): Tue Dec 03 18:54:28 2002
 

Session Start (AIM - rainingvodka:zorry01): Tue Dec 03 19:02:14 2002
rainingvodka: that was too abrupt for me to finish like that. you didn't say goodbye. i have hope for the future. i will healthy katrina. it's just...goodbye for now. please just let me know, once you've decide, if you decide i am gone forever though. there is no need to respond to me further for now.
Session Close (zorry01): Tue Dec 03 19:04:56 2002 

current mood:  depressed
current music: Pearl Jam _Riot Act_ 

She never said goodbye. She didn't say it would take her a long time. She didn't say that you are so fucked up and you need to just go away. She never even said leave me alone. She 

She

She

it's finally about her and not me.

So i will NOT contact her again...not by email, not by IM, not by phone or letter or any other way my mind can seek to wiggle through--not through her journal, not through her friends...nothing.

NOTHING.

leave her in peace. give her the space she needs, uncorrupted by your deranged , obsessive mind, and let her decide if she can ever forgive you and let you back in.

it is her decision to make. there is nothing more you can do to load the dice. you've tried to load the dice this entire time, from the very first time you said "if this isn't love, I'm damned sure it doesn't exist". It won't help to tell her you don't understand love. It won't help to tell her you don't know if you really do love her. It won't help to tell her losing her will be like losing an arm, or that you will never love again, or trust again if she walks away. The ball has left your court. You never for a second should have even dreamed that you held it. Love is not one-sided. It is not selfish. Love understands when it it time to live and let live. Love understands when you can do only harm by continued expression of your troubled pysche. Love attempts to understands all of another person...and then accept what cannot be understood, and yet continue to be regardless.

If she cares about you, and she does, as evidenced by her only wanting your happiness, she will understand your pain. She will not give you short change. She will do what she must do and you must accept that. If that means goodbye...leave her to it.

Just leave her alone until she decides. Leave her be glen.

You can do this. You are already on the road to recovery. You have already made great leaps and bounds towards health. Make this leap as well. Make this leap or you will not recover here, and you will never recover yourself.

If you care about her, irregardless of whether you truly love her or not, you will respect her and her need for this time. You will respect her decision. You will not respond if she says goodbye. You will accept that she cannot continue to shoulder your pain any longer. She is only human. She has her own trials, tribulations, and pain. Accept that. Accept her pain...do not increase it.

and do not drink. do not drink even a single drop. you have trouble controlling your emotions as it is. alcohol will only make you cling to her. alcohol will only cloud the reason you are typing even now. alcohol will only ruin you.

Let her go. Wait as long as you have to. be it weeks or months. wait

Employ what was once a world class measure of patience. Good things come to those who wait. And if it doesn't...move on. She will never be your girlfriend, your lover, or your wife. That is the fact of this situation. If you do not wait she will not even consider being your friend.

You can survive without her...but life would be so much sweeter if you could email her, IM her, read her journal and know her innermost thoughts. Right now you simply cannot do that. Right now she is nothing more than a part of your past. SHE will decide if you will be part of her future. SHE WILL DECIDE.

acceptance. Love accepts what must be. Friends accept what must be.

do not read her journal. do not put her back on your IM buddy list to see if she is online, to torture yourself over whether she is considering her email or IM or journal comment. Do not consider anything about her because it will not help you. It will only hurt you. You have caused enough pain in her and enough pain in yourself. DO not continue that.

do not write about her again.  
 
 

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