9:24a - Alcohol 
It's a really good thing I didn't have anything to drink last night. I need to continue that. I understand now just how destructive it is, how it deepends my depression, how it has had, at least to some degree, an effect on my actions this past month. I understand because I see how much worse of I would have gotten last night and how much worse of I would be right now I had gotten drunk. It would have been the 14th all over again...

alcohol. already a kilter, it's effect has only made things worse for me. I can't control my emotions sober...how can i ever hope to do it drunk?

life just really really sucks right now. I am convinced of certain things that i know I shouldn't be convinced of...not just yet. I am not convinced of other things that I SHOULD be convinced of. I have so much hope it hurts...because if that hope is crushed...

so many things i still want to say...but i know all i can do now is wait.

i slept through PT this morning. I stayed up past midnight watching the national geographic special on LotR and disc one of LotR. I don't think I actually paid attention to more than half of any of it though. My phone rang at 0607...it was SFC S calling to see if i was ok, I'm sure...but i didn't pick up. Instead i rolled back over and went back to sleep. He called again at about 0645 but i did the same. Nico knocked on my door at @ 0730 and i opened it to tell him I was OK. then i went back to sleep.

I don't want to be awake. I wanted to spend the entire day in bed, whether i was asleep or just laying there. I don't like it when people ask me, in passing, "what's up?", or "how you doing?", as a form of greeting. I'm NOT OK. 

I just got a phone call from the mental health clinic. thank god...I can go to the group session tomorrow. I don't care about just being happy...i care about being healthy. Happiness will come from that. Control of my emotions will provide that. Moving on, one way or the other, will provide that. I've been happy before, but i wasn't healthy. Now i need the whole ball of wax. 

3:21p - The Long and the Short of it. 
You know what? My heart got broken, and her heart got broken. There are a lot of reasons it happened. This isn't the end of the world, and she wasn't the only thing that would ever make me happy. If she doesn't want to be my friend after all this...that's not the end of the world either. 

I've learned a lot of very good lessons about myself. I'm in the process of changing the things I don't like so next time things might work out better.

and that's pretty much about all there is to it folks. 
now let's just hope I can continue to feel so at peace with it. 

current mood:  calm
current music: Queens of the Stone Age _Songs for the Deaf_ 

5:58p 
I have no more tears to cry for my pain. Now I only cry for another.

I just flushed every bottle of alcohol I have down the toilet. I am not drinking again for a very long time, if ever. I don't know exactly how much alcohol played a part in this...but i know it played some...and that is enough of a reason to convince me. There is enough pain and sorrow in the world...i do not wish to alcohol to increase it's reach. I do not wish my thoughts ever clouded by it's evil again...no matter if the consequences be slight or be they great.

Perhaps I am becoming an alcoholic. I have found no comfort in alcohol these last few months...and as of late it has been only a painfull experience. Why then should I continue to intoxicate myself? There is no good reason...and so i cast it away from me.

Since last Wednesday night, I have not had more than three beers all told, and even then spaced over several days. Since that wednesday night, I have made more progress in understanding myself, understanding love, and understanding life than I have since I began this latest chapter in my life. The chance that this two things may be even remotely related are too large for me to ignore.

I have finished grieving for myself. How long now before i finish greaving for her? 

current mood:  melancholy
current music: LotR _The Fellowship of the Rin_ 

taliana 
2002-12-04 21:03 
Remind yourself next time you go to drink...it doesn't solve anything. And often just makes things worse.

absolutpoet 
2002-12-05 21:45 
One Moon. One Star.

Pain is strange. Instead of questioning what's wrong with you, embrace it. For often the most extreme of emotions yield the most creativity, the most passion. You learn through living...and yes, living is pain. 

Sometimes I yearn to understand all the ups and downs, yearn to look within myself to find the reason for all the anguish. But sometimes, you just have to stop...and just go with it. It's ok to be angry, sad, furious, unwilling to live...for that is humanity.

rainingvodka 
2002-12-05 23:25 
i disagree. pain is a part of life, yes, and a lot can be learned from it, yes...but just going along with it is not always a good idea...just going along with it without question makes it nearly impossible to improve yourself by it or prevent the reason for it from happening again.

6:33p 
This journal is now friends only. A women came across it from the PCT planning website I have and my current mental anguish gave her an alarming pause. I'm not fearful of reproach, but I don't want to scare anyone with my current pysche either. All links to the archives will also be removed as i have no other way to restrict access to them. If you want access...feel free to ask and I will grant you access if I can.

I'm really pissed off that it had to come to this though. I was once so free to express myself as openly as I wished and now I can't do that anymore. 

taliana 
2002-12-04 13:25 
Well...at least she cares :)

rainingvodka 
2002-12-04 15:01 
she was afraid I would use a PCT mailing list I'm on (the one I publicized my training site on) to hook up with a female on the trail and i hesitate to say it, but I think she was afraid I would *RAPE* someone.

and that is why i can no longer share my thoughts with the world...a stranger can read and get all the wrong messages. I can no longer use LJ to make friends, and that's what pisses me off the most. 

greeneyed_devil 
2002-12-04 15:58 
You can always just post it elsewhere with something else, completely unrelated to the PCT link...

rainingvodka 
2002-12-04 16:04 
i could but that still wouldn't solve the problem because people could still stumble across the journal in some other fashion...it's already happened before. 

(Originally posted as a private entry for my eyes only)0

9:20p 
I don't know that I have ever felt more lonely or more worthless in my life. All i want right now is someone to hug, someone to hold me, someone to wipe the inevitable tears away from my eyes. All i want is for someone right here, right now, to care for me, to love me.

I've tried to lead a good life. I've tried to attone for any mistakes I have caused. I've tried with as much strength as I could muster to shield others from harm and to never harm others. I feel like I have utterly failed on every account. No one understands me. No one loves me...no one i can reach hold of right now, no-one i can force a smile through my pain for...no-one.

I just don't care about life anymore, at least, not right now, not at this moment in time. I don't see any point to it all, to the cycles of joy and pain, to the failures, to the lost love...to hurting the ones i care about so much.

let this pass from me as I sleep. let me awake with a strong heart and a courageous soul... 

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