| Thursday, December 5th, 2002
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7:14p so today was the day I was going to group therapy...and i got there to learn it was canceled. lovely. one more week alone in hell. I started writing my reply to what I know is going to be her goodbye. Actually...that's not true. I started it tuesday and was going to include it with the gifts of hers I was planning to send back...But then I burned that letter and I'm not so sure I'm going to send the gifts back. I don't think that I will want to keep them either...but i don't want to throw them away or burn them either. Sigh. Maybe I'll just stick them so far back in a closet that I won't find them again until I move back home. That's probably the best thing...hopefully one day I'll look back and actually be happy I had what small time with her I did, instead of just valuing the opportunity to learn as I do currently...and in that case I will probably like to have a memento. I took the opportunity the cancelation presented today to get the JCI insurance/inspection process started for my car, which included new tires and an oil change while i finished my christmas shopping. Then I came home. Monday I'll get the process completed. and actually, right now I'm going to delete the reply I drafted. done. I have never felt so alone, so worthless, so unloved, and so uncaring about my own life. I know people love me and care for me...but they're just too far away right now to be any consolation. I just want a real hug...the electronic ones all of you send do help...they're just...not as good as the real thing. :( I think perhaps part of the problem I had on getting back here is that I have no support structure. There is no-one I trust enough to bare my soul to face to face here. the chaplain was the first person outside the internet who heard my pain... I would very much like to leave this life and have someone else's. Someone who understands love. Someone who won't fuck up the best thing that ever happened to him. Someone who has hope of finding a woman that could ever measure up to this girl i've lost. I don't know how someone responds to the pain you caused being explained by a mental illness. I do know that any positive response would involve a lot of compassion and a lot of love on some level. I've begun to look at her decision as the measure of it all...if she can't forgive me and be in my life...she doesn't care about me enough, and in that case it's better we part ways. If she does forgive me and we stay friends...well that just makes it awfully awkward for a while but at least I'll know my feelings weren't misplaced and she is as compassionate and loving a person I thought. the longer I wait for her decision, the more i try to convince myself that it's a good thing. The longer it takes her is a greater sign of her level of compassion I think...or it could just be a sign of how utterly cruel she really is...right? but it's easier to just prepare for her goodbye...and that's what I'm doing. Is it possible to have manic depression temporarily? Because while I don't feel exactly high, or terribly happy right now...I'm not crying like I did just four hours ago... sigh.
crescent_fresh
I'm sorry group was cancelled. Sending good vibes your way... *hugs*
jeesh! can't a guy get a break? lol current mood: weird
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