Lots of things to say about the past year...but it's hard to find the right words. I ran the entire spectrum of human emotions and experiences this past year. Overall...hard to really put all of it in the proper perspective -- my thoughts are still clouded with tthe past few months. It's hard to forget and it seems as though it doesn't get any easier. I know that given enough time...maybe I'll look back and smile about it all...after all, I've grown a lot lately so if nothing else, I have that to be thankfull for.

The year started on an awful note...amazing how that set the tone. I went to the Annual SF Association New Year's Eve Bash on the beach where I got so drunk I don't remember much of anything past midnight...I lost my keys and awoke on the baraks dayroom couch...smelling of vomit.

In Pynchon's novel, _V._, the main character constantly referred to himself as a schlemiel. I read the book without looking it up -- taking my definition from the contextual clues. Last night I finally pulled out _Websters Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary)_ (my favorite dictionary/book of all time)...

schlemiel: "an awkward and unlucky person for whom things never turn out right"

while I know that isn't entirely true of me...it sure comes close to describing this past year.

The first several months of 2002 were spent supporting Operational Enduring Freedom - Phillipines. I think work pretty much comprised the majority of my time. Come April I made the trip back to Virginia for a legal conference...visited my friend Dan, and then my family on the way back here to Oki.

And then...honestly, the rest of the year up to October is mostly a blur. I took part in the Okinawan Dragon Boat Race where my team won our heat (but not fast enough to make the finals), dove, saw more of the Oki sights, climbed mount fuji. For the most part...I felt content I suppose. I made plans to leave the service, to make one more adventure, and to live life to the fullest...

Come October I took the plunge on a woman and flew back to the states to meet her...it turned out badly...in fact, it turned out worse than I could have ever feared it would...but through it I learned how much I needed therapy to fix my problems with inter-personal relationships. Now I'm coming to grips with myself and the impossible nature that opportunity entailed. Slowing coming out of depression, although I know it's not over yet...I still don't feel entirely happy to be honest...but I know it's just gonna take time. At times I curse Love and everything to do with it. Other times I cling fast to hope that I will love another woman as much as I think I loved her.

Since the fallout of that visit, I have gotten a cat, I'm on the verge of having some poetry published for the first time, i've finished my Naui Advanced Diver Certification, and I've started seeing a pyschiatrist specializing in Cognitive Behavior Therapy. He says after four or five more sessions and after doing all the homework it entails, I will be ready to end my twisted perceptions of reality...something that fills me with great hope. Everytime I'm talking to him either one on one or in group...I feel good that I'm making positive steps and that I won't destroy the next love I have...but i have to be work on feeling that way outside of sessions still...it's early on, i still have a little ways to go towards that end.

Since October I've grown a lot as a person, and my journaling has changed. I used to write more about the world than myself...now it's the other way around. I've gone through a period where I couldn't post these thoughts in public...but that is slowly reverting back to the way it used to be as well. I envision a time when I'll lift my self imposed ban on making contact with other new LJers as well.

Life is hard. Right now, it's harder than it's ever been I think. Lying in bed, praying for sleep to overtake me whilst my mind moves a million miles a second...that's the worst part...but I'm working on that. I'm working on being stable again. I don't know how long it will take before I move on...I hope that it will be sooner rather than later...but I live each day one at a time now. Every day I live through is a victory...not because I want to be dead...just...because. I went through this once, when I was post suicidal intentions in college... so I KNOW it can be done. I KNOW I will be happy again and feel motivated to do all those things I enjoy again.

So...this year I started off on a shitty note ends in a shitty note...but next year...next year promises glorious things. 

current mood:  hopeful
current music: Goo Goo Dolls _A Boy Named Goo_ 

Happy New Year, Glen.

*hugs*
 

1:42p 
So...following that wonderfully long winded entry...I have a bit of sexual amusement for you all. 

Highqueen : Okay. So instead I can be definitely amused by jesus-shaped dildos.
rainingvodka: ! hehe
rainingvodka: "icicle" by tori amos
Highqueen: And other religious figures: http://www.blowfish.com/catalog/toys/divine_dildos.html
rainingvodka: oh my gawd that is fucking hilarious! LOL
rainingvodka: ROTFLMAO
rainingvodka: if I was a woman I would SOOOOOO have those all up inside me!
Highqueen : they make buttplugs too.
rainingvodka: heh
Highqueen: Yeah, I love the diving nun.
Highqueen: And the baby Jesus buttplug glows in the dark. That cracks me up. 

current mood:  amused
current music: Local H _Pack up the Cats_  

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