If I seem a bit cantakerous in the next few days...please excuse me. I'm going to stop smoking again now.

Thank you, that is all and I am going to bed now. 

current mood:  tired
current music: Queensryche _Empire_ 

oddharmonic 
2003-01-07 15:51
I'm very proud of you. *hugs*

Also, feel free to crank at me all you want. I've cranked at you during sinus flareups enough that you're practically obligated to crank back now. (:

 
taliana 
2003-01-07 17:29
*hugs* I'll care for ya anyway :)

  
tahiriwolf 
2003-01-07 18:31 
heh, thanks for the 'warning'. Best wishes on your success! :o) 

3:42p 
So I've been awake for like four hours now...and I've got a lack of niccoteine induced head ache already. I just drank some some green tea so hopefully that'll help the physical withdrawal symptoms a bit...

that and motrin.

So tonight I'm gonna split a (horrible) pizza with D and watch _XXX_. That makes it like five days straight now that I've meant to make chicken curry for dinner but haven't. Saturday I got as far as chopping up fresh vegetables and throwing them in the fridge.

fuck.

tomorrow I've got group than _The Two Towers_. won't have time to make dinner. looks like friday.

blah blah blah. I know....this is all hideously boring...but I'd rather write stuff that is completely unrelated to...and be boring instead of...

yeah. fucking rare that my life turns into a soap opera. 

current mood:  bored
current music: Brad _Discovery Park_ 

taliana 
2003-01-08 00:06
sorry..logged out unintentially. drunk. forgive me.

*hugs*

feel like i have more to say. but nothing will come. 

11:46p 
Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.

So out of the blue this evening I started balling my eyes out again, got angry, etc. etc. I went to sleep at 8PM and amazingly, fell alseep easily enough. Fucking nicotine withdrawal symptoms. All the other times I stopped, I never actually looked up the symptoms...depression, anger, irritability, insomnia, loneliness, headache...

< raises hand > yup. all of the above. moThEr FuCKer! grrrrrr

I knew I was using cigarettes for self medication but i didn't realize how bad it was and how fucked up it was going to make quitting. Oh well...it's just gonna really really suck around here for a week or two...all my problems are gonna seem magnified and fresh.

yeah. big change there. lol. i think I've been sucking pretty bad already...this shouldn't be too much more to bear. Hell...I can even use withdrawal as a tool to beat my problems with rejection...focus on the niccotine issues or something...um...yeah, do you know what I'm getting at? Maybe by the time the withdrawal symptoms wear off, I'll be more stable about being abandoned too.

anyway. seeing what happened to me tonight...it was a DAMN good idea to put this off until now. I can't imagine what it would have been like had I tried starting this a month ago. It was fucking hard as shit to keep myself from writing another email or IMing her a few hours ago, just absolutely on my knees *begging* her for an answer. I 7777 (i guess abby likes number 7). I thought I was just backsliding all over again and that it was never going to end...fuck and that thought just made me MORE depressed. Fucking grrrrr. But I was strong and I resisted. yay for me!

yay for me! I am going to survive this abandonment and beat this rejection. I am going to be able to breathe and run again. I'm going to be able to sleep decently. I am going to start my training hikes back up and I am going to fucking make that damn curry grrrr. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I have cut way back on coffee and coke now too...fuck I'm going to be so healthy I'm going to be sick. lol.

oh, and tomorrow night I'm going to see _The Two Towers_ too! Fuckin a man!

"Hey Peter, check out the chick on chanel nine man!" (I don't know why I wrote that...i just had a strange urge...deal with it.) 

fucking weird. now I feel better. lol. yay! I'm gonna try to go back to sleep...

and i like this CD. i put it on cuz it reminds me of you corniecorn. :) My dear friend Christa. It was so easy to be just your friend when I wanted so much more at first...and it's been such a rewarding friendship all these years...thank you for being you...my love for you, and yours for me...that gives me much happiness right now...even if you're so many miles away and sleeping, you're still out there. One of these days I hope to meet a woman like you again...one that's not already taken I mean ;) 

current mood:  indescribable
current music: Ida _Will you Find Me_  

taliana 
2003-01-08 08:57 
hope you were able to sleep...

*hugs*

  
rainingvodka 
2003-01-08 14:09 
thanks. *hug*

it took a bit longer to fall asleep than I wanted, but it did happen eventually.
 

 Relapse 
absolutpoet 
2003-01-08 15:22 
Nick was online last night too, and it took everything in my heart and more to resist saying hi to him. But I was strong...and you were too, I know it's so hard! He just came online to try and get me to say hi to him (he's had himself on block since things got bad). Anywhoo, good luck being healthy! I'm going to try and stop smoking weed when I go back to school, its bad for my asthma and mind.....etc. The new year has wonderful things in store, so smile!

 
 Re: Relapse 
rainingvodka 
2003-01-08 15:30 
thank you *smile* see...I can still smile sometimes if I work at it...

good luck to you too! let's all make 2003 a year to be fucking reckoned with! 
 
 
 

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