| Thursday, January 9th, 2003
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 8:08a so I had to give some blood today for an HIV test. jesus but everytime I have to do that I just laugh hysterically to myself. HIV? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha right let's see...blood tranfusions? never
I swear I am batty right now. I've been up and down, off and on, left and right all day so far. gaaaaaaaaaaah. < whimpers > make it stop make it stop < /whimpers > current mood: up and down
taliana
3:34p - Ruminations on relationships that don't work...from a first
hand perspective
Sometimes people just don't work together, as friends, as lovers, as partners, as husband and wife...that's just the way life works sometimes. If a relationship fails, it just fails. No amount of blame or anger or negativity can ever repair that failure. Often times, even the best intentions cannot repair it. I don't know, really, why this woman won't talk to me. I can't say if it's because of my actions alone, or if there is something she brings to it. I can't say if she still cares about me and doesn't know how to say it, or if she just wants me to go away forever. I can't judge her for her silence...I don't have any basis to judge her on. The only basis I have is what I think she SHOULD do...but that is based purely on an estimation of how I want the world to be...and the world is rarely the way I want it to be -- Love and my interaction with her dosn't have to be the way I want it to be...i can't control it Yes...I can be sad...I can cry, I can feel hurt by her silence...but i cannot so let that sorrow consume me that I cannot let hope for myself go, and hope for a return to happiness go. I may have even, inadvertantly, given her the notion that I'd prefer she didn't contact me. Given my relapses and the tone of some of my entries lately, some of the email or IMs I sent when I WAS sending them...she might think that I hate her. She might think that I WANT her to be gone. She might think me a crazed lunatic who can't see reality. I can't say. But the bottom line is that I cannot go on living my life thinking we could make a relationship work. We can't. I don't want a LDR, and, at this point, I can't go with my plans to relocate to be with her...because my faith that this could work is pretty much shot. I can't talk to her w/o walking on egg shells, wondering when she'll cut all communication off again. I don't know if we can repair the damage we have done to each other through all of this. I would really like to try...but that means getting to know each other all over again, without putting one another on pedestals this time. I think I would like to do that, but I don't know if she wants to, or will ever want to. If we were try...I thought once maybe I could relocate near her, just until I finished my undergrad degree...I don't know. It's an option I have no reason to consider anymore...not at this time. I wonder sometimes what I will say if she waltzes back into my life several months from now. I wonder if I will overlook the pain her silence has brought and try again. I wonder if I will drive her away again by requiring some leaps of faith on her part. I wonder if I could just "look her in the eye" and say no. I wonder if I could say anything at all... but i guess that doesn't matter right now. Why wonder about that future until it is before me? so bad things happen to good people...even people who love. even people who realize they don't love. We're all human, we all make mistakes. we all have regrets. it's all just part of life. I have thought a bit lately about that amateur pyscho-diagnosis someone
left anonymously in my LJ...and I think that perhaps I DID hold myself
in too much esteem. I think part of my pain is self induced in that I can't
understand how she could not love me because I'm such a "catch". I can't
reconcile with the fact that just opening myself up to someone is not a
guarentee of returned affections. I have trouble accepting that maybe she
just can't overlook what I did, irregardless of the reasons for it. All
because I have such a picture of myself as being "all that"...but I'm not
neccesarily "all that". I'm not all that unique, or special. When I die,
the universe is not going to put up a sign that says "silence please".
I SAY that I know all of this...but sometimes...sometimes I wonder that
even as I say it, I still think it...
so even if I never hear from her again, or if I hear from her tomorrow...the important thing to realize is that we are both human. We are both borne to make mistakes. I'm not going to hold anything she does against her, because I KNOW that she is a good person at heart. She does not consciously seek to hurt me, just as I did not consciously seek to hurt her. Sometimes we just do things and we don't realize the full implications of our actions. Sometimes we have been alone so long we don't understand how we should act to foster our affection. We can't be with everyone we love. current mood: contemplative
verviness 2003-01-09 03:43 I went through a bad break with my last ex. He's now one of my best friends. I've discovered. Time and space. Even no matter how hard it is. One day you'll get an email from her, or a text or a phone call asking how you are. Possibly. I've always had bad breaks. But after spending time without them, we've become good friends again. :) just chill *hugs*
Previous |
|