| Sunday, January 12th, 2003
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3:38a alright damnit. where the hell is everyone? I haven't slept hardly a wink so far and it's time that at least a few of you people wake up over there in the US, have morning coffee, or tea, or coke, or water, or eh i dunno...air? check your email, weed out the spam, and hop on IM... I want someone to chat up inane bullshit with! My throat has been working itself harsh lately trying to clean out all the crap cigarettes caused down there. My head is throbbing as if to ask me where the fuck all the niccotine went. My hands aren't trembling now at least...they were about seven or eight hours ago. and fuck it all but I think something may come to a head today, which is part of why I can't sleep. I had plans to go to the aquarium with D today but I don't know if I'll make it now. I dug myself into the hole of needing to be around the computer...just in case... and I don't know that I'll get any sleep even if I can tear myself away from my pajamas and bathrobe existence today. sigh current mood: tired
:28p I'm stressed the fuck out and I'm actually drinking thera-flu right now to alleviate withdrawal symptoms. I cried just about all day long yesterday...partly from said withdrawal symptoms...partly from the pain and the stress. There were a couple times where I thought of making myself stop...but i didn't think it would be very healthy. let them flow, let them flow, let the cold tears flow... I visited her journal last night. i figured, as long as I was fucked up and already bleeding my eyes out, I may as well see if she is OK and just deal with the added pain from reading her journal. well... she's NOT ok. we so need to fucking talk it's unreal. BOTH of us need to talk. I sent her an email and left an IM that i think it would be a good idea if we talked tonight after she gets off of work. That might have been a bad idea but god damn, if it pushes her that last step away forever...at least I'll get some closure and stop torturing myself with fucking hope...and at least she'll feel free of me...It's been just a few days shy of a month since we last had contact...even longer since i became mostly rational...I've given her as much space from me as I can give. If she *still* can't talk to me...if she can't even let me give her the space to speak her mind and *try* to resolve her own demons...i don't see how any more time could help. She has neglected me so long and is a hair from totally abandoning me...and from her journal I think she hates that she is on that verge...i think now is the last chance we'll ever have at trying to start over and be friends someday. I am so fucking scared right now though. If she refuses to talk still...it's going to kill me to tell her goodbye. please oh please let it not end this way. it wasn't supposed to fucking be like this...god DAMN the severity of life. go DAMN the nature of Love. I've spent 27 years wrapped up in my own castle...the first time I let my walls down and let someone in...that's when the fucking earthquake strikes. Now we have to either find shelter within each other, or I must thrust her away to fare as she will and rebuild my walls stone by stone. there is a lot of talk about Stop Loss being implemented Army wide. The Marines have already done it. Thinking that whether I get to go home in may or not is precariously perched on a ledge...that's just something I can't deal with...not that AND this woman. Trying to juggle both will drive me to the ER in no time. I love my country. I love my country with a passion...I've just lost faith in the government. I've lost faith in our leaders. I've lost faith that I'm doing anything but wasting my time anymore. so today. tonight. it has to be now. We must decided together, tonight, where we are going. may the universe take pity and aid us. current mood: scared
greeneyed_devil
And as far as the girl goes, now I haven't read her journal nor do I really know who she is or anything, but just remember this - you lived happily before her and you will live happily after her. Eventually. These things take time and I hate to see you torturing yourself like that! I know it's hard. Hang in there!
and thanks for the kind words about the girl situation. I see myself healing a lot easier now that it's really over.
*sigh* I'm feeling the same about our govt, tho.
4:55p - Goodbye so she came back from work (my guess is it was work...who knows) and got on her computer for like ten minutes, then went idle. who knows what she's doing now. she never responded to my IM. i guess that's it then. she can't even give me the courtesy of letting me say goodbye to her in real time...although "letting" is hardly the proper word...more like "forcing" really. was it so fucking wrong of me to want an amiable ending to all of this? Instead, I'm left with confusion about why she didn't even give it a chance to work out or end on a postive note, at least TRY to leave the door open for someday...god damn it. For everything we built this relationship up to be at the beginning...she sure didn't put any fucking work into trying to save it. Why? why not? why couldn't she at least TRY! fuck her for giving up so easily. fuck her for abandoning me. fuck me for hoping she wouldn't abandon me. i just sent her another IM to be read whenever she looks at her computer again. it said goodbye. i can't believe it came to that. it's over. current mood: sad
jentwo
It's HER loss. One day, she will grow up and realize her mistake.
9:03p - When it's over...
I'm not at all happy that it's over. That woman was really the first time i ever opened up. She was the first woman I truly ever loved. She was only the second girl I ever made out with...the first girl I ever slept next to or cuddled with. I knew she liked being alone after a string of long term relationships. I knew she wasn't looking for a relationship. I knew she might smash me to pieces if things didn't work out...and I knew the possibility was very very real that it wouldn't work out. Between her hopes to relocate back to Seattle someday, her current home in SoCal, and me wanting to settle down near SF for good...I knew that was going to be a big issue if we ever got serious. I knew it would be a problem for me to be her boyfriend but never get married because she doesn't want to be married. I knew the fact I missed the free plane ride out there was a sign. Yet i ignored all of this. I threw myself so far down that rabbit hole I couldn't see head for tails. I decided, from the beginning, to think with my heart and leave my head alone..."Your head is the reason why you can't ever make a connection" i said to myself..."go with your heart this time. stop worrying about the what if's and the difficulties...love can work itself out if it's strong enough". Problem: my heart was flawed...not physically...emotionally. I let my emotions steer me...and thinking she loved me and then losing the first girl I loved...my emotions were NOT in ANY way safe to steer me. It fucking amazes me how much I have grown in the last few months. I look back at who I was before I met this woman, before I went to visit her...and I can't believe I was that man. I'm changed now. Some of it is positive change...some of it is scar tissue. I don't know when I will be able to trust anyone again, not like I trusted this woman. I don't know when I will be able to tell some woman I love her. Lately i've been having this daydream where a woman tells me that she loves me...and it terrifies me. It terrifies me because I'm afraid to say those words right now...afraid to open up...but how do you respond to those words without reciprocating, and yet not driving a wedge between you. Katrina never said she loved me...but my heart told me it was only because she was scared to say that...my flawed heart... three little words. I used to be able to say them, and mean them, so easily. *sigh* I ended up at the seawall (in my car...remember where I started this entry?). I parked and went for a walk, eventually sitting down for a bit and just absorbing the sounds, power and the immenseness of our mother. The Sea of China... normally i like to consider the western shore as the Pacific Ocean, and not the Sea of China. I like to consider that because it ties me to home...and it used to give me a tie to Katrina. Now it's the Sea of China. damnit. I did what I had to do. I know in my heart i had to do this. Now at least I am free of her...and she of me. No more betrayal. No more clinging. No more hatred or anger. No more waiting. No more fear. No more torturous hope. this had to happen this way. it wasn't supposed to, but it HAD to. I had to learn my lessons in love. I had to learn the hard way that I have been far too optimistic and dreaming about it all these years. I had to learn that, no matter what a fuckin poet or musician may tell you, Love is NOT all you need...not when it's one sided. Some day I'll be able to refute that dismissal on the power of Love...being loved while I myself love. It will happen. I know it will happen. I have *faith* that it will happen. I am 27 years old and I have an entire life worth of love to give...minus only a few months. At the same time...I don't need love to be happy. I was happy before I met this woman. I will be happy again now that I've said goodbye. My happiness may be a bit different...a bit wiser, more worldly, maybe even a bit ragged at times...but it will come, regardless. so why did I get back online anyway? to spill all of the above it seems current mood: sad
taliana
*hugs*
Previous |
|