Tapping of other keyboards (computer lab)

02.26.98

I was in class this morning. I couldn't concentrate. I'm going batty. This is what I wrote while the teacher was explaining superfluous details:

PJ
played
NZ
last night
(date line
25=26)
Yet Jen
preoccupies
my
thoughts
And the
professor
is way
late.
His entrance
lowers
a boom
of silence
whispers thrive
I'm thinking of Her/Us
way too
much for
comfort
-Planning
moving.
Schooling
around &
work in
Fresno
etc...
Scouring the Net
For even thumbnail
Pictures
Saving journal
Pages.
And I have a
Physics Exam
Tommorrow, less
than 24 hours.away
And I can't concentrate!
Sigh
So twirl
my pencil
Around my
Knuckles
Nervous habit
Return me
to my
Real world
of lonliness
But I don't
want to
Return.
God why
Is this
all so
fucked up?
Spring->Winter born
fever of lonliness & Fear
Death might be nice
 
 

Everything
Right now is
Reminding
Me of Her
"Will I walk the Long Road"
"Seen it happen to a couple of friends"
--Love--
"Exciting & new"
Every thin
blonde has
her eyes,
her nose
her blemishes
her smile
and her lips

I should try to scan those note pages and just put that up...give you the lesson in Structure for American English for the day...but I'm harboring the belief it will look illegible scanned...

I really am having problems with this whole thing. Jen is unlike any woman I've ever met. Everything about her is just so exciting. I'm crushed to know it isn't to be...so I go on in this fantastic delusion.

For someone who wrote me an email at 4Am, just after getting home from a hellish layovered and icky flight, she's taking an awfully long time to reply to that last email of mine. That's bad. I'd rather have her rant one way or the other now. I suppose this would all just make her feel weird. Hate to think I've done that with this, but it's the easiest conclusion. I still don't think she's come here though...either that or she's really polishing what she wants to say...if that's the case...fucking just say what's on your mind. I'm doing it here, you can do. I'm having little enough concern for you feelings it seems to me--why have any for mine? I can hadnle rejection easily enough--done it b4 and I'll do it again...i can see the reasons for it too...I can handle accpetance, I think, I hope...it'll be a hard line to walk, but possible. At this point in my life I'm willing to move for somethign that means enough to me...school can wait if it's important. If not, life goes on. I can bring myself around in a few weeks...will be hell for readers cuz that's all this journal will consist of, a daily Jen watch...but I'll get over it...BUT, if you are reading right now...email me. Tell me to fuck off. Tell me you're confused. Tell me *something* I want to email you/her and just blab, but what I've said already must be enough, I'm sure it's enough. If there is no spark for her, there is no spark. Pontificating won't help. Although I can't say it was love at first sight...everything I really love took me a while to grow into...PJ for example, taping, literature, science, short hair (heh), phiilosophy--this journal...AM I blowing thoughts in the wind? Is she here? Will she ever be here? Was she ever here? AM I just squabbling meaninglessly over her when she doesn't think eitehr way abou any of it, doesn't even wonder either way...Right now I don't know if I should just give it up and let go, or harbor this confusion until I get a definate answer. I think I can live without her near, but I'd rather not. The only clear thought in my mind is that, if she's the one, I can't just let it go. This is the closest I've ever come to what Love must be. I can't help but think she is my soulmate...all of which is *not* a good thing to hear from someone you're not interested in that way at all...

SO, Jennifer Franklin...if you're here and don't feel the same way...don't sweat it. If you don't feel the same, you're obviously not the one I'm looking for, and I don't wanna force somethign that isn't meant to be forced. Just let me know one way or the other. I'm happy enough to just know you. I promise I'll just let it all go...

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