So it's confirmed and over. Jen email me this morning and gushed. I trembled at first, sighed, forced myself to mediate a bit...actually was able to calm myself and settle my nerves somewhat for my physics test...still think I did not so well on it though. *sigh*.
I offered to move to Fresno...she wants a *non* Long Distance Relationship. Funny thing is, I do too. LDR's have never worked me, and I've tried a couple. I know I am freaking her out...I so selfishly wrote the "I will always love you" bit all those sappy romances/movies/plays/whatever use...it's incredibly cliche and can do nothing but freak the woman out...but i had to get it off my chest. Maybe someday I can get past that and just be good friends. Maybe someday I can find someone who reciprocates my feelings and isn't some 400-500 miles away.
I think I've pretty much decided I'm taking next year off from school. I really want to get the shit done, but I simply cannot afford it. I need to find some decent job (or a couple not so decent jobs) and work and save. Maybe I could read and write more than I am now...haven't found my stomach for 2nd coming in quite a while...just hope it's not destined for the trashbin like all the other false starts...probably is though. *Sigh* everything seems to be fucked up. Love, literature, school, finances...sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and not wake up. Sometimes I just feel like there isn't anything worth sticking around for. Jen said she caught herself up on this journal so she read everything I had to say about her/us/blah...don't want her to get the wrong idea when reading this...her rejection is not the catalyst, it is not the straw that broke the camals back...i'm still relatively sane, healthy, and non suicidal...maybe I'm delving back into depression...can't really tell at this stage. I know I'm not happy. Fucked up thing is, I really don't know if there is any one thing that could *make* me happy now. Maybe I was just clutching at straws with Jen...hoping somehow she could be the *one* thing to make me happy. Maybe it was just unrealistic expectations of her...maybe I just latched onto the first thign that came along. I'd really like to believe I *really* mean what I've said to her and about her. Life is so fucked up right now that I just can't tell...i'm just so fucking confused. I don't want to sleep (slept *lousy* last night)...I'm hungry but I don't want to eat. I could really go for a few stiff drinks or a bong load right now...but I don't want to be drunk, and I don't want to be stoned. I just don't know *what* the fuck I want, and it scares the loving piss out of me. I'm writing it all down, and nothing is resolving itself like I'm so accustomed to. Maybe I'm reaching the point where even this journal and my own thoughts can't keep me sane or force realization. Maybe I just need to go out and get the shit kicked out of me by something. Maybe I need to just fail hard at something and shock myself out of this limbo...but I don't want to fail at anything, not love, not school, not money. I don't want to fail in my parents expectations of me. I don't want to fail in my ability as a writer. I don't want to look at the keyboard as I'm typing but the words are just flowing and they're taking me wherever the fuck they want to go...I'm in pain yet I feel no pain. I'm depressed yet I'm just this empty mass of nothing. Right now I feel like I'm just a shell of a man. Religion right now would be *****really**** fucking nice--something, ***anything** to anchor myself back to the ground, but it just isn't gonna happen. I've spent too much time debating about religion that I can't just *accept* one out of the blue. I actually prayed a couple weeks ago...prayed for myself, prayed for sarah, prayed for the cosmos in general. Maybe it helped. I dunno. All I can think right now is that feeling of numbness I had when meditating this morning is how I want to be forever...that feeling that just a few more minutes of numbness and I could just leave my body behind, transcend my earthly shell and be *free*...it's a rusty cage my self is.
Right now I think I'm just going through so many changes, so many branches are diverging in my life...so many paths to consider, options to take...so many paths to fail on...so few paths to succeed on. All I want to do is take a rest on this trail and now I can't. I need to make decisions I suppose. I need to figure things out. I can no longer hide behind this mask of insecurity, this mask of childhood. I am not a child, I am my own person now, and life is no longer throwing me bones...I have to fight for them, bite then hand that fed me if neccessary.
So what do I want? I want LOVE, I want financial security. I want a purpose, a reason, something to really just sink myself into and never come out of. I'm tired of piddly winking around. I want something to involve *all* my time, *all* my energy, *all* my emotions, my strengths, my weaknesses. I also ***********really************ fucking want an
So I think I need to latch onto something, or have something latch onto me. For the life of me, I just can't figure out what.
At least I've found my voice again. I have no idea where to go or what to do, but I sure as hell am finding it easy to talk about.
Things worth staying alive for. I wrote a suicide letter today. UP until about ten minutes ago: tommorrow's plan...pick up my pictures from safeway, get enough postage to send Kurt his tapes...get enough for Liz to return any tapes I might get while gone, then get in my car, drive to the Grand Canyon, and slit my wrists...ending my life were it should have ended what, 4 summers? ago.
I started this list on a whim. It made me feel a bit more
sane. Every day now, I'm going to add to this list. I need to keep convincing
myself there are things worth living for. Counseling won't help me...if
I can't stay sane now, on my own, I won't be able to do it in the next
few years when I get sick of life again...it's a viscious cycle I now realize
I'm trapped in.
Fuck it, I think if I come as close as I did this evening, acually planning out who gets what, where I go, what exactly I do to prepare (I actually marked my wrists with a pen to practice...) I will *force* myself to call the hotline.