"Right now it's just not a wise move", or, Chinese, Tori...Tequila, or You sure know how to pick them Glen, or One more shot to dull the mind, or ????...

I'm having trouble with tonight's title.

"I'm not saying NOOO, I DO dig you, think you're a great guy, and I want to get to know you better...it's just, I'm messed up and don't think it's wise right now (to have a relationship)". What do I say to that? "I'm here if you need to vent anyways.", "I don't care"...and a few more lamos is what I came up with...but really, what now? I can't go on downing shots forever, no matter how much I think that's the solution. I do know it'll take three or four b4 I'll be able to sleep.

It was a ****great**** date and I had a steller time. Stories and laughter and huge grins ruled the evening. Dinner was just delish and the way her face looked in the articial light...We sat afterwards and just *talked* forever under the night sky and the stars. She did most of the talking, which was fine with me. I hung on every word.

*Sigh* maybe things will still work out between us. I can only bide my time. She's having a rough time, it's obvious, but I can't help but feel this incredible connection. She's not a supermodel, but I don't care. The way her face scrunches up when she laughs, that teethy smile, happy frantic wave, beautifull aqua marine one second, light blue the next eyes...that brunette cascading hair streaked with red when the light hits it just so...I can't get her out of my mind. That's what the Tequila is for...shot number one coming up...cough, burn...warms the gullet if not the heart...

I feel so damn *comfortable* around her...she makes me feel special, good about myself...and I know this is all way too much too fast considering we've only had one date...even this one tempered in her mind from the beginning, from the "where/how do I 'brush' him off?" This is a form of rejection I've never encountered before. It's maddening to hear her say so much about herself, then know how little a part I can play in her life for now.

She's going to play some songs for me on her radio show tommorrow..."China" and maybe some sonic youth, maybe even some TOOL.

I felt so awkward when I was about to leave. Granted, I woulda felt awkward even if things were better...first kisses are hard, but I knew there would be no kiss. What I didn't know is if a hug would be appropiate. I told her I felt awkward, and she solved the problem by giving me a *fierce* hug...a very kind and loving hug.

Shot #2

Jen emailed me anxious for details since I'd been out until midnight...checking here often she said for an update...SO tell me Jen...you said I could come to you for advice...what's your advice here? *MY* best guess is to see her in class and be just a friend for a while...give her space and let her decide when, and if, the time is right...She knows she's not being fair. I just hope it isn't a painfull thing for her. Seems like no matter what I do, I end up hurting someone, somehow.

She asked me why I ended up asking her out...and I had no suitable answers save for a lame "I just found your face in my head at odd moments" and couldn't really find myself ellaborating for I had no other thoughts to ellaborate. I simply wanted to get to know her better...and hope for the best...is all this confusion normal?

I personally found myself devilishly handsome, without trying to sound vain, it's what *I* thought.

Shot #3