Smashing Pumpkins Adore
06.16.98
11:02PM
Like there is something missing, somehow, somewhere...that's
the sudden feeling that's swept over me. I don't know...like sitting here,
typing away, tea cup by my side, cd aplaying is so damn *drab* so uninspiring,
so pointless and worthless...late at night is when such thoughts come most
often...the time I usually enjoy most is the night, the dark...when most
are asleep I get a thrill out of being awake--as many others do I'm sure...like
i'm thumbing my nose at the universe by being active when most aren't...but
that's just a big joke isn't it really? But to think about it...what could
I do, really, that would be so worthwhile right now? Compose another crappy
poem? Finish _Pylon_? what does either truly amount to? SO instead I scribble
here. I could detail end on end details about recording...about plans for
the pumpkins show, about the PJ tickets that arrived in the mail yesterday,
about testing new things out or fitting new peices of equipment or or or
etc. etc....but in the end, what does that matter? Twenty years from now
I won't care to read about such things...i'll aready be moved onto bigger
and better such projects...thigns that work really well will be remembered...like
the dual x-y thing i did thursday...
The autograph Mike gave me is thus:
"Mike Watt
more bass!"
I should scan that and the stone gossard one and put
it online someday...
So I was feelin creative earlier tonight...but it got
lost as I coach potatoed and watched MTV's "Real World"...that show is
so much like these online journals...it's amazing....I went to the library
yesterday b4 the recruiters appt to do more paperwork...(obviously, there's
an entry online for that day...) and i completely just lost where I was
going with that...hrmph, how odd...that has never happened b4 here...well
everything that happens happens a first time...
OH Yeah! downloaded a few weeks worth of other's journal
entries...so...I now have some reading to do...
11:56:30PM
Just went through two + weeks of chucks life An emotionally troubling time which he seems to be taking better than most would...I never got close to my grandparents, any of them, and have never felt true sorry over their deaths...never really been confronted with death of anyone close to me...perhaps that helps contribute to my nonchalant attitude abou death...yes perhaps I wouldn't have bee so eager to kill myself if I'd seen my mother die, or my father or sister...who knows...today on delivery sometime around 5PM my head perked up on Highway 4...i felt so invigorated all of a sudden, happy to be alive. Moments like that cause me to pause and take notice of everythign around me...to ponder other people's stories, take wonder in the flying v formations of those birds, the twist on the bass rhythm...oft times on delivery the music fades away and I don't notice it so much...in fact I don't notice much of anything. By this point, driving has become so routine an activity, so practiced a skill, that I can almost let my hands go alone and make my mind wander...but I've always maintaned this sense of my surroundings, this knowledge of the jerk tailgating me, the car five lenghts up changing lanes too fats without a signal, the car behind me trying to merge, the green light about to turn yellow then red...etc. etc. Driving is somethign I love to do because of this. It's time to myself, my own music, my own dictates. I can go where I want to go how I want to go there. Being a delivery driver gives you an intimate knowledge of the streets...the fastest way to get from A to B, alternate routes, when rush hour hits and where it hits hard. After a while, you get a sixth sense about where the street you are looking for should be...basic things like name association (obviously, 'flower' named streets are the same neighborhood...but you get to know when that isn't the case...when you see offbeat combonations...yada yada)...but I like to feel the wind rushing by, feel the curve of the road as I corner Somersville to Delta Fair at 25-30 mph on a green light...the subtle joy of a red light free delivery run...it's the simple things that you start taking joy in I guess in such situations...But I think the main thing about it all...it's the ability to just hit that zone and go somewhere else. Losing myself in that routine of driving..checking mirros constantly, scanning streets and cars and checking delivery tags...but letting the thoughts go...a blank mind is a comforting mind.
I spend too much time with a blank mind...that's my biggest problem. It's not just putting things off or refusing to address certain issues...it's refusing to face *any* issue. It gets to the point that even when i *want* to work thigns out, I can't...stare at the sunset and try to ponder life and death--good luck vomacka. I like the comfort in thoughtless action...of routine--just like every other rat in this race. I think that's why I'm always finding ways o break the monotany...brash acts like Maui and the Canyon and maybe even now the Army...all just trying for somethign new, somethign exciting...In the strangest of ways, I'm terrified most of what I love best...blind routine. I like it best when I don't need to think...but I love it most when I'm doing something new...I would really like to get back into rock climbing...it is so like a new experience every time without real though...it boils down to that next hold, plain and simple. nothign else matters, and there is no other thought, no awareness of pain or joy or love or hate or tenure or money or anything until the top is reached or the biner is clipped...normal exercise comes close, but it's different. There's too much room for extraneous thought. I haven't been running lately because of this damn cold, but when I do, when it gets toward the end and I'm huffing and puffing, the pain is there, the 'left right left right' mindless repition in my mind is there, the searching for lyrics to think instead of thinking about how much further I need to push my body still...and it's always the hardes, the last mile, no matter how far I run...*knowing* the end is close makes me want it to be over so much more...knowing there is still a long ass fucking way to go is comforting...lose myself in the run...blank out the thoughts and just run. don't think, don't search, just run...I'm going running tommorrow even if I'm still coughing and snivneling...