Tori Amos Little Earthquakes
06.19.98
1O:56 PM What makes alcohol such a seductive, powerfull drug? It's ability to confuse pure logic/reason and let pure emotion take free reign. This is why so many 'great' writers have lost themselves in drink...let the emotion consume you, and the writing breahtes life unto itself.
I just left Rebecca realizing she doesn't love me, doesn't lust for me, doesn't yearn for my love...all as I once thought she did. it's a tough realization to face when just yesterday I found myself *wanting* to *LOVE* her, *forcing* myself to feel for her as I have never felt for any other human in my entire life...tonight I found myself with drink and desiring to try that love, try that comfort and support...so I paged her and met her after work for scant minutes...but when I pulled her to me...she pulled away. I am such a fool, such a bloody fool to project my own fantastic notions of reality and emotion unto this life, her life, our life...just when I thought love was reaching for me, when I thought I was being foolish to deny it...I succumbed to the ideal and am now scorned...it's a painfull experience to realize I am alone once more and even further, that I was never *not* alone...or at very best...alone for much longer than I had perceived. When she indicated an acceptance of "meaningless sex" and "I don't know (if I still want to have sex with you")...I thought she was being afraid to voice her true feelings...
And so I sit here, bemoaning the reality I wished *was* reality...such a cosmic irony to realize I fooled myself into pushing the other way--but too late for it to have effect--when all being done...what is now real is what I have proclaimed to desire all along.
Ah such a tangled web of truth and lies and emotion all life is...such a powerful drug alchol and pain combine themselves unto...to bring thoughts of escape yet once more...of a credit card induced trip away and to the end...but it isn't what I want and it isn't how I will end--simple hazy thought now discarded and disdained as the thoughts once were and shall forever be...
State of Love and Trust continues to elude me and what I thought was is not and what I wanted to be despite it's truth shall not reign herein so I force myself furtehr down the lonely road of solitude and wonder if it shall ever find it's end...if it is ever *meant* to end...and still further what makes me both want it to end and see it last forevermore...
"I can't remember where I come from" TA "Mother" (totally out of context...or is it????)
And to think I quite nearly succumbed and stopped for a pack of cigarettes on my way home...almost but not quite at the tipsy point where I shouldn't have been driving...a full week from my last cigarette...this time the stuffy nose and bloddy snot symptons of withdrawal *do* plague me...this last time I try to quit smoking. Next thursday is the big day...when I find out if I have allowed enough time for my system to clean the marijuana residue out enough to pass the urine test for Uncle Sam and his Army...and I really have been consdiering Airborne Rangers as my role in the military--despite how my parents will object, and I wonder how much of me wants thats objection as a reason to do it, how much of me wants it just for the experience, how mucch of me wants it to prove myself *to* myself, how little of me wants it for my country., etc. etc. We must always question our desires, our motives, and our plans...when becca voiced that quiet "not tonight" this demand hit me on the chin again, much harder than ever...all this as I sip yet another rum 'n' coke and wonder if I will masturbate in bed again or simply slip into oblivious slumber...regardless of which to only rise, step into my plastic coffin of a car, and waste another day of my life to pay for other days of my life I did *not* waste, or like to *think* i did not waste...
Not even a kiss...a kiss a single solitary kiss and expression of feeling of love of compassion of passion of tenderness of life and sex and emotion and truth and a kiss a kiss was all i needed to set my mind upon a path leading far from here this solitude this life alone and I wanted to love her to make love to her to perhaps even impregnate her and marry her and grow to support her and a child and leave this life I am almost now diverting myself from...a kiss a kiss just one long passionate moment to celebrate shared emotion and truth and peace and love that I wanted to feel for her to give her a life she deserved more than the one she is to have despite how I feel for her and want her to have better and I just wanted to fall in love with her *GOD MOTHERFUCKING DAMNIT* and make a life both of us could want and enjoy and never regret for regret does nothign for the present save cause pain and helps not the future but only destroys it's chances of building itself bigger and better and more rewading and how would such a life aid either of us and perhaps even I could neglect school and be with Sam for my twenty years or whatever until that golden pension then finish school and work and support us both because I doubt she will make big money on her own in life pessimistic and cynical and corrupt and evil as it may be for me to think that way...to think hardline and truthfull and not neccessariy cynical why couldn't we just have kissed just that one time when I pulled her close to me and fall in lov so deep so true so natural and swept away with all that emotions have to offer...it's a moment in time to remeber, a second of time to ingrave within my mind to recall for years on end as the moment love failed to impregnate my soul...of the moment we chose to not love each other and to not grow a life together...and I shall always wonder if things end badly for her why I did not force her to my lips and force the love to grow despite the wrong in that thought and action...for love is not a single bodied and souled feeling but a coupling, a joyfull expression of union between two people, two souls, two 'destinies"...at least so I think...and now I ache. Even with drink I can feel the righteousness of this ache...never again will I touch the issue for it shall never be my hand to touch, never be my thought to introduce...real love shall be if it is meant to be, and I must think if it was meant to become itself, a single kiss tonight should have been...
But it was not.
So alone again I find myself babbling to myself, crying upon a keyboard, and lost within a drink.