Radiohead my iron lung
06.21.98
10:59PM Disposable lifestyle...car, computer, thought, feelings. When it's suited it's purpose, it's thrown away...true american for you I suppose. This is the last summer for my car I think...last summer for this room, last summer for many many things. Change it is a coming. This journal is going back underground I think, despite the continued use of html formatting. Perhaps it will go online in the future, but the prime purpose for the coding is an infrastructure journal for hard drive access...more convenient for personal use someday. Does this mean I don't want to online anymore? No, far from it. I still like the idea of common suffering and joy, of reachin out to the masses, of shouting my life to all who'll hear...I just don't know what is to come and how things will change. I'm embarkin upon the first new experience of my life since moving to Humboldt...but this time it's for real...yet even as I was sheltered with mom and dad's money and support...now I become one of the nameless, faceless soldiers in the US Army...sheltered from real life to the extreme, yet somehow, growing into a self sufficient person, beginning retirement savings, paying off debts...
A little boy about the age of ten called me "sir" on a delivery a few days ago. That shocked me. I'm not even 23...to be seen as a "sir" is a frightening thought. youth is fleeting and my childhood is long gone...
Christa's called to say she'll go to the concert with me, a good thing...she called again and now we're playing phone tag...big fun there. I have wednesday off so perhaps I'll head out to Lodi to hang out or something....maybe not.
Still niccoteine free at this point. Hooray!
Doin laundry right now. whites still in the dryer. I'm bored. I want to go do something, but I really don't know what. I should have picked up some glow in the dark golf balls by now cause goin to the golf course sounds like fun...
Father's day today...made breakfast and dinner w/ mom. Blueberry & strawberry pancakes w/ bacon and eggs for the former, rib eyes, green salad, sautaied potatoes w/ bacon for the latter...Ron came over and ate dinner wih us....Katrina had already been w/ mom and dad a while...worked from 11 to 5 tonight. work 11 to 5 tommorrow...
need to wake up a bit ealier tommorrow so i can do my running. I wanted to go again this morning but no time. i haven't even been making it every other day lately...quitting the smoking is giving me coughing fits and makes running difficult...(excuses excuses, I know...but I'm still trying to get out there ya know...)
Despite everything I wrote frum induced the other night...now I hope Rebecca will make the first move. I made my last attempt and don't know if I can force my midset back upon that path on my own...most of my life I've been afraid of going first...partly perhaps due to the fact that I've never *been* first at anything...always second best, second rate...never quite edging over that finish line ahead of the rest...or at least not in anything but small childish games--nothing that seems to leave a lasting impression upon myself now. Now I find myself alone with no friends to compete even good naturedly with. Competition is becoming foreign to me it seems...perhaps that's something I can find again in the army--somehow it just seems I've missed a few lessons in life somewhere along the way...i can't quite say what but I just seem to feel like I'm missing something, something important...but I just can't seem to grasp what it is...Love plays a part perhaps...I contemplate it as an ideal often enough...but I whine about that enough. maybe i'll find what it is eventually, or, more likely, simple realize it's how we all feel, how man is "meant" to be...maybe it's a god...boredome comes easy now...no friends here except for rebecca...one can surround oneslef in music and literature and alcohol but in the end it's people that make life worth living, as Angel Soto said to me so many years ago...day in day out everything else remains the same. All the people I work with...the people I come into closest contact nowadays...Sabrina, William, Wendy, Peter, Paul, Jenny...the cooks Rick and Xiao who speak barely any English....I leanred how to say "go to hell" in cantonese the other day..."fide sei" (although I'm probably butchering the translated spelling...) so that brings to a grand total of two my phrases in cantonese...both doggerel cusses...