Ned's Atomic Dustbin God Fodder
06.22.98
11:50PM I wonder sometimes what I rate on the general actractiveness scale (1-10). Personally, I don't rate myself so high...maybe a seven. I just don't know though...never really have had anyone to make me think any one way or the other...another downside of this pathetic dating history of mine...makes self esteem an interesting issue. It's not lke it matters so much...but it would be nice to know just how the dating pool sees me you know? Let me know where to start...I know i'm not drop dead beutifull or dashfully handsome...at least the fact that women don't throw themselves at me leads me to belive that...who knows. Does my attitude make me come off as stand offish? Do I seem cold, aloof, detached? I feel that way sometimes so it probably shows I would imagine. I know, it's vain to even think about it, but everyone is vain to at least an extent. How does itm ake me so strange to be curious? It's not like I can see myseld doing a randowm street poll..."excuse me miss, how would you rate me on a 1 to 10 scale?" Most women would see it as a pick-up line I would guess and get hissy....
On "E!" last night was an hour special on 'beautifull internet women'...Danni's hard drive was on it, as was Jennicam....quickcam 24 hours a day...much like a journal with it's full on access...but then, there is not the same introspection...the internet can *see* but not *understand*, cannot read the thoughts, the struggles...quickcam exposure is more like watchin TV than interacting with it...as I see journals (not that this one has generated much response...it still has garnished some loyal fans and some interesting emails...especially when the suicide plan was layed out...)
The other day, as I reflected on life passing me by with
every breath...something I've found myself doing more often lately...I
thought about the end of this journal. The planned terminal dae, at this
point, is the day of my death. I don't see myself ending this thing until
there is an end to my thoughts. Of course, I cannot write my last entry...being
dead woud make that kind of difficult. That of course means I have to essentially
write my own eulogy/obituary/farewell and have a trusted friend/family
member, upload it for me. Or I could just upload it prematurely, even link
to it...make it a dynamic farewell, changing up until the time It's actually
needed...
It was done once before, with the suicide
letter of february/march 98
Today was the three year anniversery of my first Pearl
Jam concert experience...the thought completely eluded me all day. Perhaps
that was the impetuis behind my yearn for _Ten_, loud and repeated a few
times...was thinking of trying to road trip for a few more PJ shows...now
that I'm working and making money...but I decided against it...better to
work and finish off the bills first...I've got the show at Arco, and I've
got SP next week, and Tori in September...might end up being anotehr club
show in there somewhere as well, I dunno...have to see who's coming around...I
know rollins band is supposed to be touring again...
Picked this disc up today at Tower Records in Concord...bargain deal $8.99, couldn't resist. Picked up the 2nd Thomas Covenant Trilogy at Bay Books (used bookstore in Concord--biggest one in Contra Costa County...*great* store...)...have the first one already, but it's in storage 300 miles away...
A lot of things are in storage that I need to access before shipping out...my car pink slip, a few Jordan novels to loan Greg and Steve, school paperwork, clothing, CD's, a few books, etc. etc.
Went to Guitar Center looking for a 90meter (three hour) DAT for the pumpkins show...they didn't even know they existed...great...I may have enough time to mail order a few though...if not it means the likely event of needing to changes tapes at the SP show in the front row...eeek...it's not *too* conspicious if you're practiced at it...but I'd rather run as few risks as possible...setting levels is going to be a serious hassle I bet. Hopefully security will be light/clueless as usual...more chance of getting caught at this show than any other I bet...
Still playing phone tag with Christa. Haven't seen Becca since the other night, the 'rum' night. *sigh*.
I have wednesday and thursday off. I'd like to hook up with christa for some time wednesday...but we'll see if we can even make contact...
I gotta hit the library tommorrow and check email...