Nothing
06.23.98
9:00PM I saw Chris Sneider again tonight, for all of about 30 seconds. Our dialogue consisted of "She told you to leave", a shove, a fall, several kicks resulting in a bruised shin and right wrist...and a "You want me to leave? OK fine Chris I'll leave...you sure have changed." and I wanted to say 'for the worst' but what words stated were already useless...why banter about.
Any semblence of joy left within him seemed long gone. One short look into his eyes told me much...confirmed essentially everything I'd been told by Rebecca and everythign I'd assumed on my own. He was not the boy I was once friends with and would never be again.
I can only guess at his thoughts, but the guess is this: either relief he didn't have to bloody me up (i got the hint from the little beating I took), or dissapointment he didn't have to bloody me up. If my appearence caused any turmoil for him is up for grabs...i don't know him anymore to say.
So I said I'll leave, and I meant it. Rebecca wasn't being honest with me about him and her I'm sure now...I saw him pulling on his pants as I got to the winnebago the two came to have to share...both because they had no where else to go and being reunited because of that shit heap was the last place to live...maybe they were having sex, or getting ready to, or just had, or maybe not, but Rebecca's nonchalant attitude toward meaningless sex clarifies things a bit...maybe they're having sex, and maybe she's not doing it for love, but she's trapped with him now just as she ever was, and it's not just the close confines of that mobile home either.
"Hello, goodbye, you know you made (me) cry" Smashing Pumpkins _Adore_
I was never 'meant' to be in love with rebecca...perhaps I was never meant to be part of her life at all. Perhaps she was supposed to be just a minor player in my life's story--the girlfiend/ex-girlfriend/sex toy of my dealings with hopeless life embodied in Chris. Perhaps I wasn't 'supposed' to care about her. maybe there was never anything I could do for her even then...sure isn't anything now. Chris hadn't been a friend for a long time, what seemed a lifetime...but I didn't want to believe we'd come to blows. I know it was just naivete on my part, there was nowhere else the two of us could go together *but* to blows...but even still. I told him I hadn't come there to fight him, but maybe I should have. He was still bigger than me and would have hurt me badly I'm sure...but I would have settled that issue once and for all...what beating I took was small, insignificant really, and did little to clarify where things stand...only muddied it up...a split lip, bruised ribs, dislocated shoulder, missing teeth or a broken jaw would have settled it for sure.
So I think I'll just let them both go now. I gave up on Chris already, maybe it's time to give up on Rebecca.
It just seems 30 seconds is too short a time to force such thoughts. It also seems as if I am triviliazing it here, by it's mere presence here. On the same hand, it seems as if I blow it up by putting it here, analzying it. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize it's bad news to engage myself with either of those two people...of course I know that, and the point of this portrayol wasn't to discuss that bit...but to ponder the righteousness and lack of it I'm feeling now by abandoning Rebecca...what has she done but become a victim, and do I do but victimize her by these actions. But in reality, what is there for me to do? Even feeling like leaving for the army is stranding her on the wayside...what moral code forces my hand but my own and why cannot I just walk away? Because despite it all, she remains a friend, and I still care for her as the little sister I never had.
Now I can't help but wonder what results my existance cause within their relationship, what part my near involvement in a three-some caused, Rebecca's acknowledged lust for me at that same time...and even now does my friendship with Rebecca frighten Chris? He's always said becca is the only thing that's ever made him happy, and It sure is true I helped paved the way towards their breakup...now perhaps he's scared I'm trying to take her away again.
Of course it's all pure speculation still. Mayhaps Chris beat me because Rebecca asked him to make me leave. It's hard to imagine why she'd do so, but it's a possibility. Perhaps he was simply trying to get in on her good side again...I really don't know for sure.
But now I'll simply wait for her move. If she wants to explain things, if she still wants to be friends...up to her. I lost her pager number which is why I even went over there tonight...never really thinking about what would happen if Chris was there, which was stupid of me really...
I've lost a lot of faces...Chris was the first friend by choice though...Rebecca it seems will be the second. In a way, perhaps it's better that way. Maybe I'm right, and I just wasn't supposed to get involved in this. One less thing to tie me down I guess...one more tick away from being a lonerly drifter...
As of late I've been bored with life. Everything it so monotonous. School, work, even journaling and almost even music. There isn't a whole lot of things in life that appeals to me right now. Drugs don't do it..haven't had a bong load in almost a month, haven't had sex, haven't felt an endorphin rush in years...TV is getting old quickly--now I remember one reason I stopped wathcing at school. People are becoming few and far between--friends that is...real friends. I can count on one finger the only people I'd call friends...Christa, Sarah, Amy, Greg...two of those I haven't seen in at least a year, one I haven't seen in over three years...What really does life hold for me? There just doesn't seem to be very many good answers. New music, live concerts, faith and love from my family. Being financially secure is starting to lose it's high...it's more just the function of every day life that it's *supposed* to be now...
Christa is coming in from Lodi tommorrow. I hate to think I'll find myself unloading some of this on her..."she'd met a boy" she's said :)
My wrist is starting to feel more normal now...thank god it's not bruised up...musta taking a kick full on. At least I didn't take any hits in the gut...maybe Chris wasn't trying to hurt me too badly. After I stood and walked to my car I really thought he wasn't going to stop...but he held his ground and just watched me as I got in, sat down, drove away. I hope Rebecca didn't fare badly because of that...but I guess I should start trying to be more callous about it.